The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Ferrari Spider]

amusing and made me larf

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/269388/shark_cage/

[Abs]

Three blokes -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Australian engineer -- are working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no  infidels, Jews or Australians can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Australian engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the  country. Nothing can get in or out it's completely impenetrable."

The Australian engineer says, "Fill the bastard with water."

[Snoring Rhino]

Very funny 
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6845153163399621017&q=CHAPARRAL&hl=en

[termietermite]

Depressed?  Try this http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595094724/ref=nosim/librarything-20

[Snoring Rhino]

Be careful Christmas Shopping ....................
 
 A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.
 
 After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
 
 Accompanied by his sister he went to the town and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
 
 The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
 
 During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties.
 
 Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
 
 
 Dear Ciara,
 
 I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
 
 If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
 
 These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on
 her.
 
 She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.
 
 I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
 When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
 
 Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
 I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."
 
 All my love Fergus
 
 P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[Nobby Diesel]

Shamelessly nicked from another forum...

Bentley Forum
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Sierra forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo. Why does everyone assume I'm an asylum seeker?

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Bugatti forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help.
I'm from 1985.

www.chavmycorsa.com
- Mum’s giving me her car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Smartcar forum
- Do our cars use AA or AAA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tyre just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fibre dash kit group-buy still on?
 
McLaren F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a Bugatti Veyron tried to race me. I lost!

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the
black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's £35 in petrol.

Boxster forum
-What products can anyone recommend for sun and wind damaged hair?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate the police. Got ticketed again for drifting in the B&Q car park.

TVR forum
... Can I log on remotely as I have broken down in the middle of nowhere?

 

Morgan forum
- Help! My car's got woodworm, does Ronseal™ really do what it says on the tin?



XR2 forum
If I decided to insure my car, how would I go about it?

 

Sinclair C5 forum:
Where is everybody?

 

Morris Traveller forum
Why are there so many angry people following me?

 

Landrover Freelander forum;
Yes, I think a 2 tonne 4 wheel drive car is absolutely essential when driving across town to Sainsburys

 

BMW Forum :

What is the funny lever for on the steering column that makes a clicking sound when I push it up or down

[rcutler]

Brain of Englishman:  IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.

An Englishman man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going back to England on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Englishman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.  He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Englishman for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the Englishman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
“What puzzles us is, why you would bother to borrow $5,000"

The Englishman replies:           
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

[Fran]

An Englishman man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE ITS A TRUE STORY

I walked into a Bank in Miami and asked to change a $50 American Express travellers cheque (or check as they like to call it).  I was told that this facility would only be available to me if I had a US bank account holding at least that amount of funds. 

I did try and explain slowly and carefully (and toning down my "British" accent) that if I had a US bank account with $50 in it I probably wouldnt need to change the TC in the first place! 

Unfortunately despite my best efforts I walked away empty handed.

I tried a couple more banks and got the same story, but eventually one agreed to change $10 but not the $50 I actually wanted.... sheesh.

 

[nopanic - neil]

Lovingly ripped off from another site;

Stupid Questions -

Why is it called Alcholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi my name is Tony . I'm an alcoholic?"

If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get Bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

Why does sour cream has a sell by date?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn is made from corn, and vegitable oil made from vegitables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe, you belive them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

and lastly

did you notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[termietermite]

Another true banking story.  I used to work at Kings Cross station.  One day a colleague of mine went to the local branch of Thomas Cooks to get her holiday currency.  She was queued up behind a woman who, when she got to the counter, presented the teller with a 100 lira note.  "Sorry madam," says the guy behind the counter, "that's only worth about 10p."  The woman then turned to her friend, who was in the branch with her and said, "Christ, and I gave the bleeder breakfast aswell."

[Werner]

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relativelywell.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is
still tossing around the giant burrito from the 3:00 AM Mexican taco place adventure.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who
sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the
hel_l the stranger was passed out on your bed this morning.
Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash
the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now...

[Steve Pyro]

Breaking news - - - - - Saddam has escaped 

[Bob U]

Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr. Honda said, I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him."

St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design:

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Bob U]

I didn't think it was worth starting a new thread for this.

Try it. Very strange.



How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand...Your foot will change direction!!!
dn't want to start a new thread just for this.

Try it, very strange.

[jpchenet]

The story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.


After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it  anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist -

"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French.