Mens Rules

[Ruptured Duck Motorsport]

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a). When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c) After wrecking your boss' car.

d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e) When she is using her teeth

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a playstation 2. End of story

[avsfan733]

A man must always take credit for his flatulence in the company of other men

The only other man whos duaghter is not offlimits is your boss

[smokie]

Mrs smokie liked this one...which I received from Pidge

5 rules of relationships...



1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves pleasing you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[jpchenet]

Hang on a minute...................which one are you?

I think I might know Mrs Smokie!! I think she may also be Mrs JP!!!  

[Peter]

A small and simple rule which has stood me in good stead throughout my life:-

Never f**k anything you can't take in a fair fight.

[gibberish]

Annother simple rule:-----------------

It's OK unless the wife finds out

[Russ]

There's a sub clause to your rule there Gibb...

Your Wife finds out = your f*cked
Her Hsband finds out = your f*cked when he tells your wife

Therefor...

If (and only if) Your Wife and Her Husband DONT find out = Your OK!

 

[gibberish]

Thanks for reminding me Russ, but there is also a sub-sub clause.....................

If she doesn't have a husband you can only be f****d by her, or your wife.................I think.  Or is all this getting a bit too complicated?

[Russ]

Yes, fair point...

Also...

If she's not got a husband... then you have to keep f*cking her... 'cos the minute you get bored and stop... she goes bleeting to your wife... then they both f*ck you over!!!  

Not speaking from experiance I might add! I'm not married!

[gibberish]

You should try it Russ (the marriage thing I mean) it really brings a whole new dimension to the art of 'getting away with it'

[Russ]

Well I did marry a dog in Las Vegas... I kid you not. But when it transpired she couldn't keep her legs together with at least 3 guys from her office I thought it was  time she hit the road. Just a shame we weren't driving at 120mph at the time.... now that would have been funny!

Gonna give it another try though. Wife no. 2 comes on board in December!

[gibberish]

Ah you glutton for punishment!

I wish you luck, but will she be at Le Mans next year?

[Russ]

Bit of a sensitive subject that one Gibb... the two week honey moon is in January, her 30th birthday is in March so we'll be going away for a week, and then I've got a week away with the family in May, so I don't think I'll be able to get the time off work next year!   Sometimes these things just all come at once!!!

She loves her motor sport..  she's a Farrari fan and has been to more GP's than I have, but if I take her to Le Mans, we'll need to get a hotel... I don't think she would cope with the basics of camping...  

[gibberish]

Oh Russ.........the price of love

Still she sounds like a good lass.  You could try converting her from ferrari to Bently, but you'd better start booking hotels fro 2005 now!

Alternatively you might try a gentle (short) introduction to camping with a brief stay at LM.

How about the "Let's have a camping tour of France", and 'accidentally' stopping at LM

[Gilles]

Bit of a sensitive subject that one Gibb... the two week honey moon is in January, her 30th birthday is in March so we'll be going away for a week, and then I've got a week away with the family in May, so I don't think I'll be able to get the time off work next year!   Sometimes these things just all come at once!!!

She loves her motor sport..  she's a Farrari fan and has been to more GP's than I have, but if I take her to Le Mans, we'll need to get a hotel... I don't think she would cope with the basics of camping...  

Book a gite or a guest house and invite her to discover France... Anglo-saxon girls can't resist to such an invitation.

But OUPS!!!! what a coincidence !!! You gonna in La Sarthe during the LM week end !!!! "Come on Hunny, why not going a few minutes to see that cars ?"