Back from the pub?

[termietermite]

That's the one who spins your bed round and round when you're trying to get some sleep is it?  Have always wondered.

[Perdu]

That seems to be the one.

What I want to know is, how does he spin the whole room and turn it upside down while you desperately try to hang onto the pile on the carpet to stop you falling off.



not that it's ever happened to me...

[Mr. Rick]

PML at this thread!

Cheers boys (and girls of course!). Been a heavy few weeks at the sharp end of the 'Card Making on Satellite TV' industry and with an impending 5-day lads weekend in Madrid with two of the maisonblanche.co.uk Le Mans possee on the horizon (this weekend!) this has served as a timely reminder of the evils of the wicked juicings. Thanks for the warning!

Shall be sure to avoid all manner of questionable Spanish beverages 

Just a thought though, I know Spain isn't far enuff south for this, but does the room spin the other way round south of the equator?

 

[nickliv]

Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:- The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night!!!!!!

[Bob U]

Don't forget that ever present fashion item, The Beer blanket. No matter how cold or how many times you forget that you went to the pub wearing a coat and walk out without it, the Beer Blanket will always keep you warm.

This amazing piece of fabric has been known to keep the wearer warm in temperatures way below zero and even when using the Beer Scooter in a headwind and pissing rain whilst wearing only t-shirt and shorts.

The only fault in the design as far as I can see is, a third party cannot feel the effects. This can be proven by jumping into bed with ones partner and being told to f**k off because you are freezing.

Nevertheless I am sure we have all benifited from it in the past and no boubt will do again

[nickliv]

I know it as a beer coat - when venturing out, my wife will ask why I haven't got a coat. My response that I will buy a disposable one in the pub generally doesn't go down too well.

[Nobby Diesel]

Beer Coat is manufactured by the same people that make several useful items for the following day.

I'm an occassional user of "Domestic Riot Helmet and Crockery Shield"

[termietermite]

Beware of the TAS though nikliv - it comes with some pretty trying withdrawal symptoms including pouring the entire contents of the rubbish bin over your tongue, down your throat and into your lungs.

I did wonder what that strange vehicle was in my garage.  Used to be a beer scooter but is now a wine bike, as this lot can't make beer for toffee.

Mr Rick - you mean the room only spins one way?  Must be a pretty feeble pixie you've got there.

[BigH]

An entertaining thread and no mistake, I'm getting a feeling of nausea, disorientation and deja-vu just reading it:

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=299.msg2241#msg2241

The Beer Coat aka Magic Jacket! I recall waking up on one of "those mornings" wearing a jacket that was plainly 25 sizes to small for me, the sleeves ended at my elbows, the shoulders were puckered under my ears and the seam was split down the back. In my state of 'having a nice little beer buzz' I'd obviously tried this on when leaving the pub, and decided that as it was a perfect fit, it must be mine...
H

[Andy Zarse]

Crikey! I’d forgotten about that thread H, it’s very funny but it serves as a terrible warning as to how ordinarily-normal folk’s equilibrium can be upset once the demon drink’s involved in sufficient quantities. I’d personally hazard a guess I wouldn’t be embarrassed to go into the household lavatory of anyone who posts regularly on Club Arnage (the Gimp excepted of course) for a random and unannounced General Inspection of the Ablutions and even if I didn't wish to eat my dinner off it I'd likely find them in entirely satisfactory condition. It remains a mystery therefore that by Saturday some of the toilet blocks at Le Mans resemble a bad day at a Crimean War Dysentry Hospital following an especially nasty outbreak of The Liquorice. It’s plastered absolutely everywhere, up the walls, underneath the seat, down the outside of the pan, there's even flecks on the light shade, you name it. Who makes this terrible mess and why? It baffles and upsets me in equal measure, really it does, but being of a charitable disposition I’m always hopeful there’s a logical explanation.

Anyway, to illustrate the point, I’ll recount what happened to my brother a few years go when he popped into one of the long row of Porta-loos the ACO had set up in the field where they held the Jamiraquoi concert. I think he’d eaten some tartiflette that had disagreed with him and which was racing through his digestive tract faster than an Albanian asylum seeker in the Channel Tunnel. Getting his chod over the porcelain, or PolyVinylChloride in this instance, was a necessity so he headed for the first vacant facility, was up the step like a mountain goat and had the door slammed closed in very swift order. The overture began when he went into that well rehearsed simultaneous movement, you know the one, whereby one fluidly undoes one’s belt and buttons, pulls down the strides bends forward and manoeuvres one’s arse over the seat just as the Safety Car turns out the yellow lights and pulls into the pit lane to let the race commence. Well, what could possibly go wrong?

It was at this moment he became aware of a certain coolness on his right foot. Looking down he was aghast to note that he’d trodden in the worlds longest turd and crap was now oozing between the toes of his reef-sandal clad foot. I’m sure I need only mention the phrase “reflex gag” for you to understand the gravity of his situation. The horror of what had befallen him stopped him in his tracks so to speak, so that whilst his backside froze in mid-air before it was properly positioned onto the seat, he was distressed to find himself vomiting into the back of his own trousers. Meanwhile the tartiflette, together with the mortal remains of some prawns he’d eaten on the boat on the way over and goodness knows how many pints of beer, wines, spirits took this moment to make good it’s escape from his rectum and jettisoned itself all up the wall, the seat and even the light shade… It was at this point in proceedings he noticed that, drum roll, THERE WAS NO PAPER and he was obliged to use his teeshirt. Fortunately the organisers were giving out those Audi 24 Hour Jam shirts, so good old VW Group saved the day.

Like I say, there’s always a logical explanation

[Doris]

ROTFLMAO

PS:  Was a certain member of Team Zarse trying to emulate your brother in some way this year perchance??   

[Andy Zarse]

ROTFLMAO

PS:  Was a certain member of Team Zarse trying to emulate your brother in some way this year perchance??   

You mean the one who ended up brawling with the uncouth branch of the Shitehouse Family?

[amazing 1]

Hmmm.Lets see,I have to say I like the story of the Beer Scooter better.

[Doris]

ROTFLMAO

PS:  Was a certain member of Team Zarse trying to emulate your brother in some way this year perchance??   

You mean the one who ended up brawling with the uncouth branch of the sh**tehouse Family?

If this uncouth branch of the sh*tehouse family you speak of were located somewhere in the village then yes, that one.

[Mr. Rick]

I have just had to explain in the office why there are tears rolling down my cheeks (facial I hasten to add) as I try to stifle potentially huge guffaws of laughter. And why is it the more you stifle a laugh, the effect is exponentially applied to the offending laugh as it bangs harder to be released?

Top observations!