The Central FL Crawl-Forward

[Matt Harper]

It being early January (Happy New Year, by the way) and not much is happening on the forum other than the customary panic about ticket allocations, I got to pondering about a local phenomenon that puzzles me somewhat.
Because the roads are multi-laned and straight and criss-crossed with intersections, the traffic lights seem to stay on red for quite a long time.
Today, I was sitting in P2 in the centre lane of 3 going straight on (there were also 2 lanes turning left and one turning right) all at a standstill. In P1 on the inside was a Honda Prelude with a massive MugenPower sticker in the rear windshield. It also had gangster black-outs, sticky-out rims and low profiles (worth more than the car) and a huge fart-can exhaust that growled and popped menacingly. In P1 (middle lane, in front of me) was a Chevy Yukon - an SUV about the size of an average semi-detached house. In P1 on the outside was a Ford F150 pick-up truck, towing a honking great low-loader trailer, filled with lawnmowers and weed-whackers. In the crew-cab were crammed about 8 Mexican "Landscapers".
To my right in P2 (inside) was a rather cute blonde chick in a new beetle. I was rather distracted by her bubblegum blowing skills, but that's another tale. To my left was the trailer-ful of mowing equipment.
As I sat there picking my nose and fantascising about Toots, to my right, I noticed that the Prelude started creeping forward, even though the lights stood steadfastly red and would continue to do so for some time to come.
Sweet-tits in the Beetle also edged forward, swizzling a few strands of her hair around her finger and cranking-up O-Rock 105.9 at the same time.
Next, the soccermom in the Yukon lurched forward a couple of feet. Was she going to holeshot Hector Ramirez Jesus Riaz in the Prelude. The Prelude also bore the bumper sticker, "I (heart) Peurto Rico". I wondered what the f**k he was slumming-it in Orlando for then.
The wetback landscape gardners gunned the Powerstroke diesel and inched forward also. The light stayed beligerantly red. I sat and watched this tense moment play-out. The prelude crept forward unabated, as did those around me. Had I not seen this scenario a thousand times before, I would have anticipated an explosion of noise and clouds of tyre smoke, the second the light went green. The light stayed red. By this point, "I love Peurto Rico's" car was entirely past the stop line and sticking out into the intersection. Everyone around me had moved forward at least 5 feet.
The light went green............ Nothing happened. Finally, the collective synapses fired and The Prelude lurched forward with an impressive, "Mmmmmwwwwwooooooooooorrrrrrr", before hitting 40mph and 2nd gear.
The gardners were off to the races too. The jail bait in the Beetle only now realised she was in the wrong lane anyway and attempted to carve-up those turning right. The soccermom in front of me didn't move at all. I noted that she was busy beating the tar out of one of her off-spring in the back seat.
This behaviour is known (by me) as the Central Florida Crawl-Forward and it happens at every light. I cannot account for it and it troubles me. I wondered if it was a regional thing. It never used to happen in England.
You can tell it's quiet today, eh?

[Fax]

Trust me Matt, it's not just regional (Central Fla.)  Up here its the Beechmont Avenue crawl, same cast (minus the illegal aliens)  and yes it usually the bubble-headed blonde who suddenly realizes she's in the "other left turn lane"
John

[Steve Pyro]

A very interesting observation Matt.

I too have observed and compared this phenomenon both in the UK and in France whilst bimbling down to LM in the dear old black beast.

In the UK, when driving around in my regular eurobox bland wagon, you get the odd smart arse attempting a stop light grand prix (particularly in Essex - why is that?)  These cars are your typical 1.1 litre sh*t box with a huge whale tail on the tailgate and 21" wheels.
I take great childish delight in wupping these kids as, although the bland wagon looks pretty normal, the engine is a 2.0 turbo intercooled 190 bhp petrol engine and brings some smiles.
However, when I'm out and about in the big black beast, the side pipes tend to advertise the engine's potential and the self same 1.1 litre sh*t boxes keep well away.  Not so your older smart arse in the euro bland wagon (with the 2.0 T i petrol engine) who "likes to have a go".

Crossing the channel, I find the stop light scenario is very much milder.  Most of the drivers sit in their Renault 16s trimming their finger nails whilst the lights cycle.  Then the lights go red and ............ nothing.  I'm behind, champing at the bit having nearly stuffed the Renault up the arse and nothing has happened.

I've run this though a long sting of calculus and the trusty Sinclair Zx-80 and conclude the major difference in the UK is that we get an amber light.  It's almost as though the lights are gouding you on to race.  You can nearly hear Murray Walker giving the countdown.
Whereas, the lights over the ogin go red ..... green - no countdown, no warning, no adrenelin pump.

QED.

[Abs]

Matt, if you want true traffic light entertainment you should try Saudi.

My trek to work was about 5 miles and if I hadn't seen at least two accidents on the journey things were good, trouble was being the road system is based on the US model there are lanes going all over the place and they are all filled with Surburbans or Troopers. If there was an accident the locals would stop on the opposite side of the motorway and leave there cars to see if anyone was fataly hurt if they were they would ask them to take a message to loved ones already checked out, sometimes you could spend over an hour in queues just for a pile up on the other side of the road.

As for traffic lights this is the only place where I have seen a three lane motorway turn into a five lane, at any set of lights they wouldjust squeeze into any gap available, the best part was as it seems with everywhere they all had somewhere to go and would edge forward only for the guy in the left lane to decide he needs to go right and just pile across. I now understand why the tea clothes are worn by locals it's nothing to do with the sun it's just so that the person next to you can't physc you out!!

[Matt Harper]

It's true Steve, we get no amber between red and green and this may well be the cause of so much sleeping on the line - doesn't explain the anxious creeping forward, suggesting, "As soon as that sucker goes green, I'm outta here".
Naturally we do have amber between green and red. This signal, as far as I can determine, means "Just carry on, there is honestly no need to stop - or even prepare to stop - please feel free to blaze through, regardless". When the light goes red, the locals feel they're still OK to run it for the first 5 or 10 seconds, with no urgency. With the red on for between 10 and 20 seconds, Most Floridians err on the side of caution and floor it.
The number of people killed in this state because of traffic light violations is utterly horrifying. Running a red light is considered to be a traffic misdemeanor and is treated with similar seriousness as double parking.
Those coming over for Sebring, who are not very familiar with driving standards over here, take heed. If it wasn't so terrifying, it would be hilarious.

[Matt Harper]

Hi Abs
My sister lived in Riyadh (?) for 3 years - until the fist Scud attack anyway. Her husband had a Nissan Patrol that seemed bigger than any Nissan Patrol I'd ever seen up to that point. They told me about the craziness of drivers in Saudi. I did suspect that they were laying it on a bit thick, but based on your comments, it seems they were telling it like it is. Perhaps I should shut up and count my blessings.....

[Andy Zarse]

It's all very hi tech and impressive guys, but for totally avoidable traffic chaos, the true connisseur has no need to look further than the Caribbean.

Take for example the traffic lights at All Saints crossroads, Antigua. On the odd occasions they're actually working, (and that aint very often due them being stolen, hit by a high loaded truck, hurricaine damage etc) they are put there solely to be ignorred. This is usually because, due to a maintainance problem, the lights go the same colour at the same time for each direction of traffic flow. Alteratively, it is accepted that drivers may use the petrol station forecourt as an alternative right of way to bypass the lights. Sometimes only one light bulb is working, the other two having blown some weeks earlier. It gets a bit confusing when the only one working is the amber.... Antigua only has a few sets of lights and I recall on particular day when none of them worked on the whole island.

Road safety is a constant worry when out and about in Antigua. It would not be unusual to be sitting in the correct lane waiting to proceed and have a forty ton Mac crane truck come racing through the opposite direction ignorring the red. Notwithstanding the dodgy lights, this is princpally because the driver is stoned; a ten inch spliff dangling from his lips, his eyeballs rotating in opposite directions, ragga blaring out from his ICE at a million decibels, so he can't hear the screams of terror from his victims. The only thing that helps, and I'm pretty sure of this, is that it is perfectly legal to drive drunk, so the lunatic driving becomes a big laugh after eleven at night.

The risk of your dying in a fatal  road accident is 96 times greater than in the UK, I once did the math, sorry maths. But if you're going to die that way, be sure first to give yourself a nickname like the local taxi drivers do. There's one of my favourites called Reckless, another is known as The Risktaker. Unfortunately Elroy "The Fool" Samuels was killed due to having rolled his vehicle after forgeting to slow down for the only roundabout on the island. I won't tell you what happened to Bum Pipe....

The police always ticket the non wearing of safety belts though. A big comfort I think you'll agree.