Credit Card Scam

[Black Granny]

Someone wants to have a word with VISA then!

Over the last couple of weeks I drew out $5000 cash (500 a day, max allowed)  from an ATM.

A few days later, back in the UK, it wouldn't allow me to purchase four cans of Bass down at the off license.... You've got to hand it to the security boys at VISA, absolutely nothing gets past them. Well, apart from record fraud, obviously. In my minds eye, I can see them as the sort of guys who turn up for work having forgot to put their trousers on.

If it had been 5 litres of rough cider it had stopped me buying, I'd have probably looked at it differently.
H

I really think I need to have a good look at your tax return. It seems you have some undeclared income from various dubious sources!

[BigH]

BG,
I certainly did get involved with some dubious sauces. I'm still undecided whether to rub them all over myself or put them in this years LM chilli.
On the other hand I could reserve them for anyone having, yet another, look at my effin' tax returns. Those bowler hats look just a little bit too receptive to me. (great shot, by the way!)

On a slightly different note, and this is straight up, I found myself reporting to the A&E unit of the local hospital on Saturday night. Now I know these places usually figure in a lot of 'I swear it was true' stories, but this is the genuine article.

In the cubicle next to me there was a very (to his credit) chipper sounding young man. I'd seen him enter the cubicle, and everything looked pretty normal to me. Then I overheard the medics conversation with him.
It seems he'd had some sort of skin problem on one of his feet, and a friend (friend! good god!!) provided a tub of something known as Fiery Jack to rub on it. I believe it comes in a small steel tub. This is probably because metallurgists have yet to perfect a malleable enough material that will serve as a tube, but still resist the corrosive effects of the contents for more than a few minutes.  Anyway, our bright young lad had rubbed it in as instructed, and then went on to "well, there was loads of it left mate, so I rubbed it everywhere, starting with the other leg first, and just kept going till it was all gone. Thought it would sort me out good and proper like!"
He then went on to drop his drawers and I'd like to say, that in time honoured fashion, a nurse screamed and an orderly feinted. In reality however, the medic said "God, Jeeesus man!!!", and I think I heard him stumble and knock over a beaker. At this time (I had a brief encounter with Fiery Jack, thanks to my old man, in my youth), I've both sets of knuckles buried in my mouth, not believing what has just gone, and wondering, with a little panic, what on earth could come next.
Another wiser head was called, and a discussion was started on just what kind of infection it was that was spreading over his legs and torso. The poor young wretch went on to mention he had a steel plate in one leg, thanks to a motorbike accident from a few years ago. I assume that this was the source of the effervescence that was exciting the registrars.
I wish there was an end to the story that was a little more conclusive, but the poor fellow was whisked off into another neon corridor, and I couldn't bring myself to ask for fear of dissolving into a heap.
Let that be a warning to you...
H

- Is that a line up so we can have a guess at who is the real Freddy 'Parrot Face' Davies?

[Black Granny]

Let that be a warning to you...
H

You wouldn't be threating a member of the Inland Revenue perchance?
If so let me have their name and I'll let them know

Like you I try and avoid giving my hard earned dosh to them- just ask my accountant (definition of accountant=legalised robbery but cheaper than the tax man).

[BigH]

No no, don't get me wrong BG, not a threat, just an experience I thought I'd share.

Mind you, now that you mention it, the idea of having an event once a year at the Village Fair, where all the IR local tax inspectors are rounded up, stripped naked and covered in Fiery Jack, is certainly something I'd consider paying an entrance fee to watch.

I'd say it would give the Morris Dancers a bit of competition.
H

[Black Granny]

No no, don't get me wrong BG, not a threat, just an experience I thought I'd share.

Mind you, now that you mention it, the idea of having an event once a year at the Village Fair, where all the IR local tax inspectors are rounded up, stripped naked and covered in Fiery Jack, is certainly something I'd consider paying an entrance fee to watch.

I'd say it would give the Morris Dancers a bit of competition.
H

You could leave the bowler hats on for a bit of a visual impression!

[Matt Harper]

provided a tub of something known as Fiery Jack to rub on it.

Good gravy! What was the lad thinking?
I have a friend (although I use the term loosely) who, along with some other associates, decided it would be hilarious to have a little fun with one of their number who had been foolish enough to drink himself into a stupor, relying on his 'mates' to look out for his interests, while he was temporarily off the planet.
They liberally coated his wedding tackle with Nitromors. Understandably, the victim failed to see the funny side of this caper.
I was going to voice protest and concern about this practical joke, until I remembered that the primary instigator had recently self-installed his own Prince Albert and I figured that my castigation of him would have fallen on deaf ears.
Amyways, he thought it was funnier than shaving an eyebrow off......

[BigH]

my Toffees are holding on by the short and curlies right now.

My commiserations Dave. It's not something I've personal experience of, but it sounds nasty alright. Was it the long haul flight that did it?
H

[Rhino]

[On a slightly different note, and this is straight up, I found myself reporting to the A&E unit of the local hospital on Saturday night. Now I know these places usually figure in a lot of 'I swear it was true' stories, but this is the genuine article.




I once had a funny one in A&E. Had a burn to my hand(always wear gloves when welding.) and was sat in one of the cubicles holding an ice pack when they brought in a man who had been knocked off his bike. They put him in the cubicle next to me and gave him a full examination, which ended with 'and now we will have to check your kidneys via your back passage'.
Cue doctor walk out put on rubber glove, squirt lubricant on, back into cubicle.
'If you could hold your knees together and raise them'
Then all you heard was a whimper.
Burnt hand didn't seem to bad after that.

[Dave H]

My commiserations Dave. It's not something I've personal experience of, but it sounds nasty alright. Was it the long haul flight that did it?
H

 

[Andy Zarse]

Mind you, now that you mention it, the idea of having an event once a year at the Village Fair, where all the IR local tax inspectors are rounded up, stripped naked and covered in Fiery Jack, is certainly something I'd consider paying an entrance fee to watch.

I'd say it would give the Morris Dancers a bit of competition.
H

I have today received the result of a tax inspection and it's made me very depressed. The money-grabbing bastards are asking for many thousands of pounds and I really do have better things to spend my illgotten gains on.

It's outrageous, apparently I'm not allowed to offset the costs Le Mans as a business expense. Total Rubbish!! They've even asked for reciepts for the champagne and other "sundry items" purchased in the Relax Club.  

Fiery Jack's too good for these subhuman scum.

[Black Granny]

It's outrageous, apparently I'm not allowed to offset the costs Le Mans as a business expense. Total Rubbish!! They've even asked for reciepts for the champagne and other "sundry items" purchased in the Relax Club.  


You need to put it down as an offical "company outing" for the benefit of your staff! However the receipt of several thousand pounds you submitted for the night spend at Madam Heidis Flesh Emporium cannot be included under the description "relief staff" (or was it staff relief).

[Andy Zarse]

It's outrageous, apparently I'm not allowed to offset the costs Le Mans as a business expense. Total Rubbish!! They've even asked for reciepts for the champagne and other "sundry items" purchased in the Relax Club.  


You need to put it down as an offical "company outing" for the benefit of your staff! However the receipt of several thousand pounds you submitted for the night spend at Madam Heidis Flesh Emporium cannot be included under the description "relief staff" (or was it staff relief).

The relief was only made available for senior executives, thus was defined as "Executive Relief" and obtained from Madame ZaZa's International House of Fun, which as you know, is two doors down from Heidi's gaff.

I've lost the receipts; what are my rights in the eye's of the Revenue?

[Andy Zarse]

On a slightly different note, and this is straight up, I found myself reporting to the A&E unit of the local hospital on Saturday night. Now I know these places usually figure in a lot of 'I swear it was true' stories, but this is the genuine article.

Meant to ask H, why were you in A&E of a saturday night? Did something get stuck up there again? Maybe it was the Hoover pipe this time or perhaps some exotic fruit?

[jpchenet]

On a slightly different note, and this is straight up, I found myself reporting to the A&E unit of the local hospital on Saturday night. Now I know these places usually figure in a lot of 'I swear it was true' stories, but this is the genuine article.

Meant to ask H, why were you in A&E of a saturday night? Did something get stuck up there again? Maybe it was the Hoover pipe this time or perhaps some exotic fruit?

Hmmmmm, haven't heard from Raoul for a while have we?

[Black Granny]

I've lost the receipts; what are my rights in the eye's of the Revenue?

I don't think the IR belive you have any rights.
The've devised a new tax form for 2005. It only has two questions:

1) How much money did you earn in the tax year 2004-2005?

2) How quickly can you send it?