Things to say at Work

[Steve Pyro]

40 THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1.      "I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t."
2.      "I don’t know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3.      "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4.      "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5.      "I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6.      "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7.      "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8.      "I don't work here.  I'm a consultant."
9.      "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10.     "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11.     "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12.     "You are   validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13.     "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14.     "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15.     "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16.     "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17.     "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist"
18.     "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19.     "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20.     "I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant."
21.     "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22.     "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23.     "And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24.     "Do I look like a people person?"
25.     "This isn't an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26.     "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27.     "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28.     "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29.     "Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed."
30.     "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31.     "I'm trying to imagine   you with a personality."
32.     "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33.     "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34.     "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35.     "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36.     "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37.     "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38.     "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39.     "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40.     "Oh I get it... like humour...  but different!"

[chrisbeatty]

I must really try to use some of these, great for a chuckle whilst bored at work

Number 14 I've seen before. Bought a tshirt over at LM this year with that exact quote on the back!!

[Barry]

No 11, perfect for those young graduates on the fast track management program that come in and try and f*ck up, sorry modernise, the business.

[Robbo SPS]

No 13 for me today after "Op Waste Of Time"

[pretzel]

Number 41:

"I can't soar like an eagle when I work with so many turkeys"

[hgb]

I like 36.

[Ruptured Duck Motorsport]

I actually tried this one on my apprentice :d
11  "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."

[Co Pilot]

Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Dave'