Did you see...

[BigH]

Trapped in a hotel room these last couple of weeks, and with the cat trembling in the corner with his crash helmet on, I found myself watching a lot of telly. A lot of cr*p telly at that.
But, there was one program called "The Biggest F***ck Off Trains You're Ever Likely To Come Across In A Bunch Of Sundays, Sunshine", or at least something like that. It may have had the word 'Ultimate' in the title as well. Anyway, it was all about how fast trains can go, and we had a black and white train on film in someone's front room in Paris, the TGV, the MagLev and the Bullet Trains amongst others. The programs grand finale however was about this rocket on a roller skate that the good 'ole boys at NASA are working on, it's on tracks so I guess technically it's a train.
This little fella has three stages, and each solid fuel stage is jettisoned as the next one ignites, and acceleration continues. At the speeds it was expected to achieve the lads decided that air was really just a bit too thick and soupy, so it set off in a kind of extended Millets tent full of helium. The rails were in a straight and level line accurate to a thousandth of an inch, and about three miles long (Christ knows what speed a chair lift would get up to!). There were also a lot of men in camouflage kit around. The blue touch paper was lit and everyone seemed to retire pretty sharpish to around about seven miles away. To record what sort of shennigans this little beaut got up to in it's helium filled tent some super high speed cameras were installed at intervals along the track. Oh, and as the military were involved they just had to make sure it crashed into a huge concrete block at the end of the track to see how big a hole it would make; it would make a hell of a mess of an Iraqi, that's for sure. Why does the army always do that? A little ramp at the end and some fireworks and beer would be much more fun.
Off it went, and it seemed that all hell had broken loose. At normal speed it looked like a very long trouser leg with a dangerously flammable fart going full pelt and out of control. In super slo-mo it looked just fantastic. As the final stage erupted, punched and then fell away the 'train' was approaching Mach 13, that's nearly 8000 miles an hour!!!! Huge shock waves could be seen tearing into the track, and the titanium running gear was melting away behind it. Even the cameras could hardly keep pace. As it slammed into the wall, there wasn't even an impact, more an evaporation of everything concerned. A bit like visiting the cashpoint on Saturday night. Absolutely mesmerising.
But, you know, if you looked really closely, towards the end of the run as it was approaching terminal velocity I'm pretty damn sure that you could just about make out a white Nissan 300ZX gaining on it...
H

[hgb]

I'm in a mix of speechlessness and bursts of laughter. Again, a masterfull piece by the grand lyricist H, pure class. I salute...

[Matt Harper]

The bit about the 300ZX creased me up, no error.
Harry, are you 'in country?'

[BigH]

Matt,
Due to 'slightly out of the unusual' weather conditions I'm barred from all points west of Staines. The roof came off my intended accomodation in Grand Bahama, followed by ten inches of rain, that'll need something more than a Bex Bissell to clear up. God knows what happened to the landladies little tennis skirt. My diary's in a mess I can tell you. Shame, I'm dying to meet some of these intrepid news reporters, I'm sure they can tell me a thing or to about pointing at stains.
H

[Canada Phil]

Thanks H, another masterpiece. I hope to catch that piece on Tv sometime though after your brilliant description it is bound to be  abit disapointing.
Canada Phil

[gibberish]

Awesome stuff H.    Your descriptive powers are unrivaled.

[ridefast]

BigH, if you ever decide to publish your "Collected Works", let me know. I MUST have a copy of that book. It will not make you instantly the most popular writer in Poland, but it's a start...