Jokes

[Kev_mk3]

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

[Kev_mk3]

Pharaoh: “I'd like a Venti Frappuccino, please”

Starbucks Barista: “Absolutely. Can I get your name, please?”

Pharoah: "Nefernaferuaten II”

Starbucks Barista: “Ok... can you spell that out for me?”

Pharaoh: “Yes of course, it's bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, another bird, flames..."

[Kev_mk3]

A cowboy walks into a frontier saloon and sits at the bar. After a few drinks in silence, the old timer sitting next to him turns and says, "You come through the mountains, along the wooded path? Well I cut that path myself! Through rain and sleet and snow, but the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Trailblazer now, do they?"

They drink a bit more in silence, then the old timer says, "You see that wolf skin on that there wall? Well I tracked, killed and skinned that murderin’ son of a bitch myself! Shot him twice and still had to finish him with my knife when he pounced, nearly took off my left arm, but the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Wolfslayer now, do they?!"

Another drink in silence. Old timer then says, "You see this axe I’m carrying? Well I was given this by the Chief of the Pawnee Nation for brokering peace between our peoples. But the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Peacemaker now, do they?!"

The old timer turns to his drink, slams it on the bar and exclaims, "But you f*ck ONE sheep...!"

[Kev_mk3]

A friend of mine who works on the dodgems has just lost their job.

They're suing for funfair dismissal.




The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

[Kev_mk3]

Just went to Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat. There was non-stop George Michael music and loads of George Michael memorabilia, so much that it actually made me feel uncomfortable.

I'm never going to Dan's again.

[Kev_mk3]

When I first met my wife we developed a very simple code in the bedroom.

If she would like sex that night, pull my willy once.

If she wouldn’t like sex that night, pull it 100 times.

[Kev_mk3]

All UK car dealerships have now re-opened apart from BMW.

A spokesman was asked when they would re-open, but they gave no indication.

[Lorry]

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[Kev_mk3]

How many Slags can you fit in a freezer?

[trusty]

A man walks into the pub and asks for a pint and a packet of helicopter crisps, the barman replies that they don’t do helicopter crisps. The man replies don’t worry I’ill have a packet of plane ones

[jimclark]

Har dee har-har.....

Git the hook out......