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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 15217 times)
Stu
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« on: May 17, 2003, 01:39:15 am »

Had to post these.

Tommy Cooper Jokes      
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Stu
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Mr. Rick
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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2003, 01:56:25 am »

Thanks Stu, still crying!!!!!
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Stu
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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2003, 01:57:50 am »

Liked this one as well

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed suited man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the “Suit”.
Chris - I reckon he's an accountant.
James - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris - He ain't a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris - 'scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris - Oh! What's that then?
Suit- I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris- Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris - It's in a pond!
Suit - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris - Me? Never.
Suit - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris- How's that then?
Suit - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James - What's that then?
Chris - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James - Nope.
Chris - Well then, you're a wa n k e r


Stu
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Mr. Rick
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2003, 09:32:10 am »

Cheers Stu! That one's going in the LM file too. If you're anywhere near us on MB at about 2am Thursday night/Friday morning, you'll hear all your jokes again. We have a sad fecker who prints, organises and files a year's worth to amuse us in France (no, before you ask, I'm not the sad fecker, well not this time anyway, I just forward them on!!).
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« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2017, 02:42:20 pm »

I went to Cardiff yesterday and as I left the car park I spotted three somewhat large framed young ladies walking by. In the spirit of entente cordiale I hailed them with "Hello girls, which part of Scotland is this?" "Wales" the largest and nearest of the three shouted back at me, "Wales!" "Oh" I replied, "Well hello whales, which part of Scotland is this?" That's the last thing I remember ....
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« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2017, 11:03:14 pm »

The REAL Holy Grail

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8
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JimMichaels
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« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2017, 07:02:24 am »

Had to post these.

Tommy Cooper Jokes      
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Stu

Lol! These definitely cracked me up. Grin
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Rhino
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« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2017, 07:54:43 pm »

I just got sacked from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off.
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« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2017, 09:08:24 pm »

^^^ stolen ^^^

(thanks)
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JimMichaels
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« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2017, 10:27:06 am »

I just got sacked from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off.

Lol! Grin
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lofty
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joint european drinking initiative


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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2019, 06:28:01 pm »

gun joke


* gun joke.jpg (56.51 KB, 494x627 - viewed 643 times.)

* gun joke.jpg (56.51 KB, 494x627 - viewed 733 times.)
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J.E.D.I.
i dont want to be in a club
i want to be in a gang
or perhaps a drinking order
jimclark
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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2019, 10:28:14 pm »

I really don't know if I should or I shouldn't. I in no way mean any offense to anyone....'not my way. It is
a funny one tho' so I shall. If warranted , feel free to delete it, of course.

A truck  (lorry) driver has a load of restaurant equipment to deliver from Chicago (northern U.S.) to Key West, Florida (southeast U.S.), about 1500 miles.
He gets it down there in two days, has no loads on the way back to Chicago, nor set up when he gets back, so decides to take his time returning.
On the way up from the Keys, he decides to stop at the tourist attraction "The Monkey Jungle". He enjoys himself taking the tour and finds the monkeys rather cute.

"Hmmmm....." he thinks to himself, "I'd like to have one of these as a pet."

Before leaving, he approaches the tour guide and asks "Is it possible to purchase one of these little guys?"

The tour guide says "Yes, absolutely."

"How much might they cost?" asks the driver.

"50 dollars." replies the tour guide.

"Oooohhh, not bad. I'll take one."

The tour guide, smiling, winks at the driver and takes a furtive look around. Recognizing that the coast is clear he lowers his voice and says
"I have a special one you might be interested in." Another glance around and he continues "He does a very special trick and is only $50 more."

"Well....what's the trick? And, is it guaranteed to perform?"

"Oh, 'guaranteed for sure, I trained him myself."

"Fine, but the trick sir....."

Whispering, "You just have to smack him on the back of his head and he'll perform the best fellatio you've ever experienced."

"You sure....Huh"

"Absolutely."

"Okay, I'll take him but, if not true, I'll be back looking for you."

"No problem, he's yours"

To make an unneccesarily long story shorter, the truck driver gives the monkey a few hundred miles to become acclimated to the cab and driver
then pulls into a rest area and smacks the monkey. Surer than you know what, as guaranteed, the monkey pleases the driver better then he's ever been pleased in his previous 58 years.
"I'll be damned! Thank you buddy." They both rest for a few hours and then back on the road. A few hours later, they repeat the process.

Up the road, the driver sees a gent with his thumb out, decides to pick up him up, and introduces him to the monkey, explaining it's wonderful gift.

"No way," says the hitcher "that's too amazing. I don't believe you."

The driver, proud of his new companion (the monkey) says "Watch, I'll show you."

Without even stopping the truck, he smacks the monkey who obediently does him again, and says "See? Isn't that great!!!"

"Yes it is..." says the hitcher, "...I sure would like to try that myself."

The driver, pondering, "I don't know. It's my monkey and we don't know you that well, or if I should even share him at all."

"I understand. 'Don't worry about the monkey, I think he likes me and won't mind." replies the rider, really wanting a piece of this action.

The driver ponders some more, not sure what to do. "I just don't know....."

The hitchhiker continues even more convincingly than before...........




".........I promith to be fery gentle............'jutht don't thmack me tho hard."   



 
 

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jimclark
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« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2019, 02:26:28 pm »

'Only one more, I promise..........

You know in racing there's that old rule of thumb...."If it looks right, it usually is." (Like the Ford MkIV, for example Smiley)

Well, I have to admit, I'm no personal trainer; I don't claim to be an expert.

But this............

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

juuust......doesn't.....looook......right!  ..........



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"Those were the days my friends. We thought they'd never end..."

jimclark
Barry
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Kick out the jams, motherf*ckers!


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« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2019, 01:26:16 am »

A Scottish man walks into a pub.

Normally there would be an Irish man, an English man and a Welsh man there too but they are still in Japan!

 Grin Grin Grin
« Last Edit: October 17, 2019, 01:39:37 am by Barry » Logged
Barry
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Kick out the jams, motherf*ckers!


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« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2019, 01:50:30 am »

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
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