Lets hear it for the mechanics

[BigH]

Obviously the UK is pretty widely accepted as the home and cradle of motorsport technology and skill. Just listen to all the English accents in the pits at LM, and have a look and see where most of the worlds F1, CART, sportscars and so on are built. It makes a man feel proud and provides a glow in his trousers, very welcome this time of year. I was reminded of this illustrious inheritance only just last Friday, when I needed to purchase a tyre for my car at the local tyre and exhaust centre, a place I romantically believe to be a hotbed of spanner talent and genetically connected to those legendary names that echo around Goodwood and Brooklands:

H - Hello, I'd like you to give me a quotation and stock availability check on a tyre please.
KF - Certainly Sir, this is Darren speaking, sniff, how can I help you?
H - Like I say, could you give me a quote, please.
KF - No worries, what size is it?
H - It's a Dunlop Grand Trek 255/75 R15 110S
KF - Cool. Are there any numbers with that?
H - Numbers?
KF - Yeah, cheers mate, y'know, after, like, the name.
H - Well yes! 255/75 R15 110S. Fancy that.
KF - right 255/75 R15 110S (shouting into what I assume is the pristine, sterile, clinically clean neon world of the office or workshop) Oi! Mike! Dunlop Grand Trek, who makes them then?
H - What!!
M - Dunno!
(There's then a burst of sound over the receiver of what sounds like a cross between a scaffolding tower collapsing and a massacre in a shopping mall involving a disgruntled postal worker)
KF - Goodyear innit?
H - If you can hear me, may I suggest that it could be Dunlop?
M - Try the catalogue mate, or ask Velroy.
H - (off phone) oh f*ck me!
Co-worker - Really! I do not wish to hear that language, pullease!!
KF - I'ts in the book! Dunlop do one!! Large, mate. I need to know if there's a number after the size y'know, like have you got a number?
H - 110S...
KF - That's it! You alright Mike?
(there is the sound of what may be an angle grinder and live pig in the background now)
H - Perhaps you may be able to give me an idea of price?
- this gets a bit tedious now, anyway after a bit of haggling, and an explanation of VAT, I place an order.

The next morning, I poodle down there to find, and I know you're ahead of me here, a tyre reserved for me whose only resemblance to the one I ordered is the colour...
BRM eat your heart out.
H

[Stu]

As the ad says H, 'You can't get better than a kwik fit fitter' or is it a crap fit fitter. Reminds me of the time when I dropped a puncture of in the morning and returned in the evening and they had'nt had time to do it but one of the lads had spent all day painting the floor. As the saying goes 'They might be crap but they're sh*t'

[Matt Harper]

Relax H, the UK is not the sole domain of ineptitude. Forgive me for relating a similar escapade with FL's very own Action Gator Tire Co.
MH - you had my car in earlier today to fix a front puncture...
AGT - Sure did, man, that car needs new tires!
MH - Yes I know - can I get a quote for direct replacement of all 4 tires
AGT - Oh, sure! I got a special deal on Falkens right now...
MH- No, no... see, I need a DIRECT replacement price for the Goodyears
AGT - How about BFG's?
MH - No! I need the Goodyear run-flats that are on it now.
AGT - They ain't run-flats on your car, sir.
MH - Yes they are - Goodyear EMT Eagles - original tires - they came on it new.
AGT - Oh shoot, we ain't supposed to repair EMT's
MH - Why not?
AGT - Voids the wuh-haren-tee.
MH - But you just told me the tires were shot anyway
AGT - Um, yessir - we put too much air in that tire also
MH - Don't worry about that - I'll sort it out. Can I just have your best price to replace all four tires please?
AGT - Do you want the Falkens or the BFG's?
MH - Goodbye.......
AGT -

[BigH]

AGT - Um, yessir - we put too much air in that tire also

Oh Lordy, it's time to bite on that bullet.
Maybe the b*stards do it on purpose, like Yossarians efforts to drive the chaplain crazy. Maybe, when we leave staggering from the premises, with our heads reeling and a previously sound belief in logic, communication and Darwin shot to pieces and rattling around in the lobe marked "Junk" they go off to the tea room round the back to discuss string theory and finish that review off for 'Big Bang Monthly'. How else could we have won the War?
H

[Matt Harper]

they go off to the tea room round the back to discuss string theory and finish that review off for 'Big Bang Monthly'.

If only it were true, but alas - and at serious risk of coming to blows with any tyre-fitters we have amongst our exhalted throng, they are a bunch of neanderthal, knuckle-dragging morons with brains the size of California raisins and possesing similar processing power.
I have never, ever had a happy experience at a tyre outlet either in England or USA. They are a sub-species all to themselves. c**ts, the lot of 'em.

[Simon (WRC GT4)]

LMFHO  

Shame this but i supose we can all relate to this at some time or other  

[hgb]

I too had some experience as described above. Again a wonderfull colorfull story directly out of life. I need a new coffee now, the other one is spilled right over the keyboard.  

[Gilles]

I know a good mechanics here in Le Mans who seems to be more efficient than yours  

Able to work on french cars (Espace, Peugeot,...) but also really keen on exotica (Makda, 4WD, MG B,...)

[Steve Pyro]

About 10 years ago I took my wifes Truimph Spitfire to that tyre and exhaust place that are supposed to be Quick in Fitting - know what I mean.

The Spitfire has a cast manifold with a flange, connecting to a two branch downpipe.  This flange is a bit of a sod for leaking, but, if the job is done correctly, isn't a problem.

Any road up, the YTS monkey set to on the exhaust replacement, the old system came off no probs (thanks to the gas axe) and then on with the new.

He managed to loose the UNF fine thread brass downpipe nuts on the floor somewhere so, unbeknown to me, used steel metric course nuts / nylocs and an air wrench set on max, to refit the flange.............and sheared the f**k*ng studs.

So he then attempted to remove the broken studs and fit a bolt - which seemed to do the job of sealing the flange.  I came along to collect the car, was told nothing of this, and tootled off down the road.......and the new f**k*ng downpipe dropped off.

I had to have the car recovered to my house, I inspected the "job", was stratospheric with rage, phoned the company and wrote to the MD.

I received an apology / offer of repair / replacement / refund etc. but decided to do the job myself as my trust in these so-called 'specialist' companies had finally been washed down the toilet.

This national company prides itself on it's 'quality' - you know the jingle...........but why do they employ school drop outs and inbeciles to uphold their quality.


H, theres a cople of good online tyre company we use who are good on price and have a good range of tyres, you just need to have them fitted by your local monkey shop.
http://www.mytyres.co.uk/
or http://www.e-tyres.co.uk/

[BigH]

H, theres a cople of good online tyre company we use who are good on price and have a good range of tyres, you just need to have them fitted by your local monkey shop.

Thanks Steve, too late though. I'm now the proud owner of two new front tyres. The colour is just right, and the way my vision blurs, fillings fall out and wrist bones rattle when I approach 30 mph is just great. Items on the dash develop the St. Vitus Dance. Chuck Yeager must have felt like this when he approached Mach 1 for the first time. I love it, it makes a trip to the High Street seem like another sortie from Edwards Air Force Base in a prototype.
H

[gibberish]

On holiday in Yorkshire last year, my disc pads wore out.  Usual grinding noises    Anyway I found a local Tyre, Exhaust and Brake place, who happily said they could do it, but the pads would have to be ordered in because my car is an import.  (I live with this all the time   )  Two days later I'm back there, and this young lad sets to with gusto.  Total bas**rd of a job with siezed up retaining pins etc.  He worked like a trojan, and got the calipers off, only to find one piston on each side was seized.  So he gets the boss to order up two new ones for immediate delivery, and an hour later they arrive (The lad had knowlegebly said that mine were the same as the UK version). Sadly he was wrong by a couple of very important thou!  We scratched out heads, and I suggested that he might free up the pistons by careful use of the vice, and a very long screwdriver.  He wasn't keen to wreck my calipers, but I was desperate, and he was doing well so far.  He suceeded in freeing them off, and got the whole lot re-fitted in good order.  So he then buggers off on a test drive, and I waited............and I waited........and I waited.  When I asked one of his mates where he'd gone, he said "He's fallen in love that thing of yours, mate, he might be a while"  I didn't know how to take this, so I had a fag, and said a prayer.  10 mins later he rolls up with a smile on his face, and says everything was fine.  He'd only gone and taken it to a mates garage, and put it on the rolling road to make sure the 'renovated' calipers were OK!!!  Bl**dy hel* I thought this kid is dedicated.  He must have spent 5 hours doing a half hour job, and never complained.  I didn't get charged anything extra, and I gave the lad a £10 tip.  he bloody deserved it.

There are some decent ones out there  

[Steve Pyro]

Dunlop Grand Trek 255/75 R15 110S

....and the way my vision blurs, fillings fall out and wrist bones rattle when I approach 30 mph is just great. Items on the dash develop the St. Vitus Dance.

Arrhh, these are for your Hummer!
Are you entering the Paris - Dakar again?

I suggest you try to stay on the black stuff down the middle of the road  with the white lines on and keep off the pavements.

The rattling you are expreriencing is the walking sticks of the little old ladies tapping against the wings as they ricochet off the running boards.

[Steve Pyro]

This guy must work at a Tyre and Exhaust shop.

from the Austrailian Sunday Herald Sun...

GUN PRANK 'STUPID'

An Australian handyman has admitted he was stupid to shoot himself in the
head with a nail gun in a misguided prank.

Brad Shorten, a father-of-three from Victoria state, was left with a nail
lodged in his brain after showing off in front of pals.


He had been enjoying a few beers with friends after working on his house
when they began joking about industrial accidents.

Mr Shorten, 33, picked up a nail gun that he thought was empty, pointed it
at his head and pulled the trigger.

He later said he had turned off the gun's compressor and taken out its nail
cartridge but did not realise there was still enough pressure in the gun to
fire a nail.

"My mates and I were talking about construction site accidents and taking
your eye out with a nail gun, and I foolishly put the gun to my head and
pulled the trigger," Mr Shorten told the Sunday Herald Sun newspaper.

[BigH]

Gibbo, I don't believe you. Had you been drinking? I suppose it's unfair to turn this into a 'slag off the tyre fitters' thread, even if there is a warning written on the step into our local fitting shop "Please mind your knuckles"

If this lubed up urchin did indeed exist, then his days are surely numbered, he'll get bored very quickly and either release nerve gas in the underground or move on, and therein lies the problem.

Shifting slightly, this reminds me of The Most Boring Job I Ever Had. Let me know if this becomes The Most Boring Post You've ever Read. Anyway....

As a youngster I got a summer job working in a bakery. I was shown a guage on the side of a wall, and it was my job to watch it (this is before PC's and stuff were around that could do it automatically). If the needle moved outside of two marks, then I had to give the foreman a shout. Within two minutes I was an expert. After two hours first break came round, and off I went, eyes watering, for a bit of scran in the canteen.
I'd done some serious staring, not much blinking, and it took a few minutes to get my eyeballs at least most of the way back into my head, I'd sussed it was a tough job, but reckoned I was up to it. In conversation with my new workmates I learnt that the needle had never ever moved, at least not in their lifetimes. No one really seemed sure what it was the guage was measuring anyway.
I did this for six weeks, working 6 nights a week, and I can tell you that the things that go through your head are scary. My mates thought I was on drugs, I'd started to stare at everything. A trip to the Gents in the pub had to be timed carefully or things could get ugly. No one ever told me, but I'm sure I'd started to drool as well, that's the only way I could explain slowly expanding damp patches on my shirt front wherever I went.
All in all, I was glad when it finished.
The smell of fresh bread still strikes the fear of God into me and my eyebrows start doing a little dance.
H

[Mr. Rick]

Aah! Jobs at bakeries. Hmmm, a veritable feast of tales available. During the heady heights of my 6th form education, spent most Saturdays and school hols working at RHM Foods (Mother's Pride etc.) in Erith, Kent.

My God!! Some of the sights I witnessed when the plant was producing almost put me off eating mass produced loaves for life. Not to mention airlines hooked up to the orange juice machines! What a hoot!

We were employed to clean the machinery at weekends and needless to say. As a late-teenager raging with hormones, we had more important things on our minds (like Le Mans of course - what did you think I meant?), so actual cleaning of the equipment wasn't quite as effective as it should have been. Remember being close to getting the sack (from my £6 for a whole day's graft "job") when a customer found half a piece of "Scotchbrite" in her cake. The only thing that saved me is they couldn't pinpoint which one of two machines it had come from.

Oh how we laughed!