Modern Commer Replacement

[Andy Zarse]

Andy, have you considered an alternative therapy for the Commers ailments?

I was browsing a workshop manual the other day by Jack 'Swarfega' Chopra that recommended a more non invasive approach.

Park the Commer facing East at dawn and start with a little light chanting. You will need to be dressed in saffron robes, and a large piece of quartz inserted as far up your a*se as you can bear without weeping, will help no end. It'll be handy to have close by a paraffin lamp, some rubber gloves and about half a litre of Karma.

Dust (I'm paraphrasing from the manual here) the transmission and steering rack with fairy crystals blessed by the great Mystic Wizard Merlin (you should find him at most Kwik-Fit outlets). A holistic approach should help with the holes in the sills. Mix about 5 grams of Exchange and Mart granules with about 2000L of distilled water, extract about 5g of this solution, and repeat. Stir this into a huge amount of Isopon with a Chakra stick and inject directly into the sill. Hum a little song, preferably by George Harrison. Install a few druids in the Commers Inner Space and leave them to summon up the God of Glastonbury.

Re-submit to your local MOT station, but don't speak. Hold your hands together in a praying pose and just nod and smile serenely to all his questions. Finally, remove the crystal from your backside before it does some real damage.

It worked with me.
H

I'm prepared to try anything once, although I'm mighty sceptical. I haven't got any quartz crystals and Halfords have run out, so will a piece of jagged glass do the trick? They did have Gunson's Mechanic's Wode and a natty little pine scented air freshener cum Dream Catcher thingy which I'm giving a try out to. I'd also hoped the Commer's ability to self project itself into a shimmering chimera of a new Iveco Turbo Daily would have helped fool the MOT tester but he just muttered a mystic phrase and blew some sandalwood incense into the cab and the image was lost.

Unfortunately the Inner Space is full, inhabited by tools, tow rope, spare inner tube, evil spirits, incubus, succubus etc. I especially enjoy the succubus which comes out when parked near a strong layline.

In summary then, holistic is good as you pass the WHOLE MOT test. Glad the Jagwah made it through but, if your suggestion works, I'll eat my dhoti!

[BigH]

It's sounds like an uphill struggle alright Andy. Short of bribery and Zen Buddhism it's looking grim. Have you explained to the tester that you don't intend doing more than 25mph, at least not without a drink? What's Plan B?

The jag got through in the end, the certificate is still not 24 hours old, all I have to do now is find that insurance certificate so I can tax it.

I'm well behind schedule this year, I haven't even cooked the Chilli yet, let alone find my most revolting y-fronts for packing. I'm sure the race has come around in 51 and not 52 weeks this time, it's shot my program to pieces.
H

[Steve Pyro]

I'm sure the race has come around in 51 and not 52 weeks this time, it's shot my program to pieces.
H

H, you may be right.  It's been over the Fathers Day weekend for the last few years so it is early.

[smokie]

Or maybe Fathers day is late?  

[dryhen]

H, you may be right.  It's been over the Fathers Day weekend for the last few years so it is early.

At last ! Breakfast in bed, papers, warm slippers, the latest Who CD - all provided willingly by my adoring son ..... who for the past xxx years has used the excuse of me being in France for a total lack of Fathers day presents .....

[rcutler]

And you don't let him come.

[Abs]

At last ! Breakfast in bed, papers, warm slippers, the latest Who CD - all provided willingly by my adoring son ..... who for the past xxx years has used the excuse of me being in France for a total lack of Fathers day presents .....

Yep, will make a change my eldest is four years old and I haven't been around for any fathers day yet even when we lived in Saudi I still got to LM!!

[dryhen]

He's got exams in the next two years - or that's my excuse. Besides, we took him when he was 9 weeks old - to take him now would be a serious drain on the beer supply - what are 15 yr olds coming to !?

[Robbo SPS]

- what are 15 yr olds coming to !?

16

[dryhen]

- what are 15 yr olds coming to !?

16

I asked for that, I s'pose .......  Smart ass

[mgmark]

Just been working flat out to get ahead of the game at work before leaving next week, so have missed the recent exchanges until now.   My MGA passed its MOT earlier in the week, so that's all done and dusted  .    I know what you mean about a week missing from the preparation programme - it all seems to have arrived a bit quickly this year!   Andy - best of luck with the Commer - good tip for leaking shock absorbers is not to have any oil in them, then they don't leak - doesn;t work so well with a leaking diff seal though.....

[Andy Zarse]

It's sounds like an uphill struggle alright Andy. Short of bribery and Zen Buddhism it's looking grim. Have you explained to the tester that you don't intend doing more than 25mph, at least not without a drink? What's Plan B?

The jag got through in the end, the certificate is still not 24 hours old, all I have to do now is find that insurance certificate so I can tax it.

H You are a clever fakir!

And thanks to the encouragement receieved from you all guys here I'm pleased to say that due to finding an especiallyn lenient (lax?) MOT station, I am now in possession of a new and valid MOT certificate.

So The Commer will be on it's way down on Thursday morning; I expect to arrive some time on Saturday.

[BigH]

So The Commer will be on it's way down on Thursday morning

wahaaay!

There is a Gott in Himmell! Lark on the thorn, snail on the wing, and all that.

See you for a warm beer!
H

PS Put four commandos in full camoflage gear in the back, and you should have no problems at passport control...

[Abs]

Congratulations Andy, I look forward to seeing the legend that is the commer in MB

[Stu]

Look forward to seeing it. Great News. Audi will be shitting themselves now.