Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.......................anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation:
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage For whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

Wishy, I have to say I can't fault Haynes manuals.
Having used a decent number of manuals to tear apart various cars, or as a reference to work on various donor bits in kit cars, I would say they are far better than anything else on the market.
I'm not sure about more modern cars but the ones I have covering older cars are well thumbed and have greasy finger marks in all the right places (especially the Triumph Spitfire and Jaguar XJS ones - maybe says something about British Leyland vehicles?)

I have some Chilton manuals for various US cars I've owned (from 60's Cadillacs to 90's Chevrolets) and, in my opinion, these are poor by comparison.  The only useful bit in a Chilton manual I needed were the computer fault codes for a Pontiac Fiero.
I have a Haynes US manual for a 2nd generation Pontiac Firebird and I believe this is better than the alternative.

Having said that, some of the comments on the spoof 'translator' ring true - such as 'remove' the ball joint with a suitable puller etc.  'Remove' sometimes involves a bloody great hammer !!

Haynes manuals , really good for cars .

Terribble for bikes ,

Had one of each manual , Mini - exellent , but very basic.

ZZR bike manual , bloody ridiculous when it came to fairing panels and the spanner ratings. its 1 spanner to re fit ZZR fairings and its a one preson job.

Too me all day , and split one part whilst following the instructions.

Unfortunalty crashed said bike 1 week later so fairing cracks didnt matter then....



Must say the translator made me chuckle.

Haynes is quite better than its French equivalent, the RTA akas Revue Technique Automobile.

The point is that such a manual is unuseful for me, because I need to translate first in normal English and after in technical French.  

Which one would you need in French?

Sorry, my failed attempt at humour, running down my mechanical skills (or lack of)