We Won The Ashes!!!!

Shamelessly purloined from the Barmy Army website:

END OF TERM REPORT
AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM 2005

Filed by: Fletcher, Sir Duncan
13th September 2005

PONTING, RICKY THOMAS (Captain)

Ricky must take responsibility for the overall shortcomings of the class of 2005, despite his protestations to the contrary. As head boy, he must realise that spontaneous outbursts of anger, and accusing other boys of cheating, do not become his office. Ricky was fined a large proportion of his pocket money during term, and his behaviour no doubt influenced the more impressionable boys (see Katich, Simon Mathew).

Ricky must learn the appropriate lessons from this term if he wishes to remain in the school, let alone as head boy. Perhaps he might consider a future career in the clergy, where, as a self-appointed moral arbiter, he can happily preach to others about their shortcomings, whilst consistently ignoring his own.

GRADE: C plus

GILCHRIST, ADAM CRAIG (Vice-captain, wicket-keeper)

A star boy of recent years, Adam suffered a very poor term. Adam must learn to keep his mind on his school work, and must understand that what his girlfriend may or may not be doing with Alumni whilst he is off at school is not helpful to him or his classmates.

GRADE: C

LANGER, JUSTIN LEE

A solid effort from young Justin, who, when fully grown, will no doubt be a valuable asset to the school. Justin must learn, however, that cricket balls are rather hard, and intercepting them with head, chest and elbow is not conducive to his long term well-being.

Justin dealt well with bullying from the bigger boys in the area, and overall, gave a good account of himself.

GRADE: B plus

HAYDEN, MATTHEW LAWRENCE

Matthew ended term well, but this should not obscure his early efforts of which clearly did not reflect his best work. Shouting comments in the playground is simply no substitute for honest endeavour. Matthew claimed that he “did not want to be arrogant”, and I am sure that he did not mean to keep getting out for pitiful scores, yet he seemed unable to desist from either.

A disappointing term for Matthew, whose time in school must surely be coming to an end, sadly just before the Science Master can complete his experiment of fusing Matthew’s eyebrows together to form a single entity.

GRADE: C Minus

MARTYN, DAMIEN RICHARD

Possibly the least fortunate of the class of 2005, but despite this Damien failed to impress in this term. Damien simply must learn that hitting the ball to a fielder and shouting “yes” is wholly unacceptable behaviour, guaranteed to cause distress and suffering to his class mates (see Ponting, Ricky Thomas).

GRADE: D Minus

CLARKE, MICHAEL JOHN
A reasonable term for another young arrival in school, although the appearance of an arthritic back at such a young age must be something of a concern. Like most impressionable youngsters, he must learn that imitation is not always the best way forward, especially where dubious hairstyles are concerned (see McGrath, Glenn Donald)

GRADE: B

KATICH, SIMON MATHEW

2005 was Simon’s first full term in school, and he must do better if he wishes to prosper. Simon simply must learn that leaving balls to demolish his stumps is likely to mean an expulsion from school.

Combined with a nasty outburst to one of the form masters which cost Simon his pocket money (see Ponting, Ricky Thomas), this was a disappointing term.

GRADE: D plus

WARNE, SHANE KEITH

Shane was the star boy of the class of 2005, but there is still room for improvement in the short time before he leaves school. The misdemeanours of previous years appear to have followed him, and he must learn that encouraging English people to play around his balls must be strictly confined to the cricket pitch. On several occasions during term he was caught smoking at the back of the bicycle sheds.

Shane still shows a rebellious streak on the field, with a worrying disrespect for authority. Holidays should be spent revising the laws of cricket, particularly Law 32 (Caught). Shane should desist from squealing “catch it” when the ball has dribbled along the ground.

GRADE: A

LEE, BRETT

An encouraging term for young Brett, who may finally have overcome his nasty tendency of throwing full pitched balls at other schoolboys’ heads. Brett showed commendable bravery, enduring a stay in hospital in order to turn out for the first XI. Rumours that Brett chivalrously discharged himself from hospital in order to protect the chastity of the nurses looking after him (see Warne, Shane Keith) remain unsubstantiated.

GRADE: A minus

McGRATH, GLENN DONALD

Glenn made a bright start to term, but a terminal decline followed thereafter. Must learn to avoid standing on discarded cricket balls if he is to stay in class much longer. Glenn should now be considering his future career options. Given his already considerable experience to date, perhaps a career in sport injury treatment may be the way forward.

Glenn should abandon his ambitions of founding a sports tipping business. Thousands of disgruntled Australians await his return from school at Sydney airport, clutching torn betting slips which read “$100: England 0, Australia 5”. Similarly, a hairstyling salon would appear to be out of the question.

GRADE: B Minus

TAIT, SHAUN WILLIAM

Another new boy in school, Shaun showed some promise, but eventually betrayed a somewhat confused state of mind. He must soon decide whether he intends to bat left handed or right handed, although whether this will result in any discernible improvement unclear.

Similarly, he must learn to check at the start of his run-up whether he is bowling at a left hander or a right hander. Although whether this will result in any discernible improvement is unclear.

Young Shaun will benefit from his time in school, although he should endeavour to forget all the fielding skills he has learned during his time with the Scottish Football Association’s goal-keeping academy.

GRADE: D plus

GILLESPIE, JASON NEIL
A bad start to term from Jason soon became worse. Jason refused to live with the rest of the boys in the dormitories, preferring to spend long periods of time residing in his motor home at an undisclosed location. He refused on many occasions to answer the simplest of questions, i.e. “where’s your caravan?”

The only positive from term is that the other boys complimented Jason, saying that he mixed a smashing orange squash.

Jason needs to buck up his ideas or his time in school will soon be at an end.

GRADE: E minus

KASPROWICZ MICHAEL SCOTT

Michael’s endeavours were hard to fault, but by the end of term it was impossible to escape the conclusion that effort simply could not overcome mediocrity (see Gillespie, Jason Neil; Tait, Shaun William; Katich, Simon Mathew).

GRADE: D plus

MacGILL, STUART CHARLES GLYNDWR

Another boy whose time in school is almost over, Stuart was another whose 2005 term was a disappointment. Although opportunities were few, Stuart still managed to get in hot water for his culpability in losing a vast number of cricket balls. In his defence, it must be said that boys on the opposition’s team must have had at least some part to play in this.

GRADE: E

HODGE, BRADLEY JOHN

Bradley had limited chance to shine, but he is a boy for whom more opportunity may arrive next term. Employed as a substitute, he showed good application in the field, which on this occasion, would appear to have been wholly within the “spirit of the game” (see Ponting, Ricky Thomas)

GRADE: E+

HADDIN, BRADLEY JAMES

Opportunities for Bradley were extremely limited this term. He must take more care when crossing the road, particularly when taxis are reversing.

GRADE: E

CLARK, STUART RUPERT

Who?