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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Show and Tell: What Pet/s Do You Own?
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on: September 28, 2017, 10:47:32 am
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I own a ferret named Lemon. Yeah, I know, it’s an unusual pet to have, but I’m always fascinated by this type of critter. He’s a fun-loving fuzzball, usually, plays and hangs out in his comfortable ferret nation cage, munch on cooked eggs and meat (that’s his staple diet), and even cuddles with my wife during Netflix hours (a furry rivalry, I see). I hope to own more than one someday, but for now, it’s just Lemon and me for more fun-filled years. How about you guys? What four (or many) legged creatures do you own?  |
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
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on: September 19, 2017, 10:26:00 am
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A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: Jokes
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on: September 18, 2017, 07:02:24 am
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Had to post these.
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Stu
Lol! These definitely cracked me up.  |
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
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on: September 18, 2017, 06:59:33 am
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I went to the store with my wife.
While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said: "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said (and much to her dismay), "so will a case of beer at half the price."
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
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on: September 16, 2017, 04:47:40 am
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There were once five people on an airplane, all of a sudden, it started to crash. Inside were a girl scout, a boy scout, the pilot, a lawyer, and the pope. There were only four parachutes left.
The girl scout shouted, "I have too much to live for!" So she grabbed her parachute and jumped.
The pilot shouted, "Good luck y'all, but I'm not going down with my own plane!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.
The lawyer shouted, "I'm the world's smartest man! I deserve to live more than you two!" So he grabbed his parachute and jumped.
Only left were one parachute, the boy scout, and the pope. The pope places his hands on the boy's shoulders and says, "Son, I lived a long life. You're just a lad, so I want you to take the last parachute."
The boy scout laughed and said, "Don't worry, we'll both live; the world's smartest man just grabbed my backpack!"
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
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on: September 15, 2017, 09:06:55 am
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sh*t's name is Kevin.”
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Club Arnage / General Discussion / Re: girls,girls,girls
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on: September 15, 2017, 09:04:24 am
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Okay; does just thinking there's an automobile behind her count?  Whether there's an automobile behind her or not, she does represent a formidable "bumper."  |
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