Club Arnage

Lads,
I've been giving a bit of thought of how we all get down to Le Mans.
For me, it has to be as quick as possible. Not just because we're in a hurry to get there, but that's just the way it is. Stopping is 'down time'. It follows therefore, that you have to treat your stops like pit stops; stop, get it done, get out. Some stops however, seem unavoidable.
If you walk along the verge of any A-road in the UK, you'll find quite a lot of little 'golden surprises' in the hedgerows. Plastic drink bottles full of piss. Now you don't have to be Einstein to work this one out (or that eejit from Who Wants to be a Millionaire), our van and lorry drivers have deadlines to meet, and widgets and shite furniture to deliver, so like us, stopping is not an option. An empty bottle in the cab, you get caught short, you fill it up, you chuck it out the window. Which is great news for our trucker and his deadlines, but not such good news for the sociology student hitching his way up the A1 towards Leicester University. A 70 mile an hour bottle of exploding urine on the back of your head will really take the sunshine out of his day, and probably the eyeballs out of his sockets. Maybe we can learn a thing or two here.
Hammering down the N138, you're busting for a leak. No problem! Get out the 2 litre drinks bottle, put your knob in it, instant relief and no down time. Mind you, this is Le Mans weekend, you could have been sitting on the vinyl seats in your 70's classic now, for three or four hours, and the Chalfonts are sure to be giving you a bit of jip. So while there's a bit of action going on down south, nows the time to rub a handful of cream on the little mothers, or, if your bumhole is in tip-top shape, maybe just check for a few winnets. Picture the scene: the classic motor is weaving all over the road, engine screaming, the chassis is on the limit and your attempting to snatch a gear, any gear with an oily left hand. Your knob's in a bottle. Now is not the time for the Gendarmes. Also, and we're all men of the world here, your pride and joy might like it in there, after all, it's a tight neck and slightly moist. And if it likes it, you know what happens next! Before you can say Englebert Humperdink we have an escalating constriction problem (there is a medical term for this, but a family forum like this is not the place to quote it). In a matter of minutes your policemans helmet is looking like a Golden Delicious in jam jar. Except it's neither golden nor delicious. It would seem a stop is now inevitable, pulling in to a service area, exiting the car in a frog marching position, one 'canary hand' white and dripping with winnets or sharks liver oil, Germaloid tube behind one ear, shorts round your ankles and your tadger wedged in a bottle of Tizer.
On second thoughts I might stop for a while in Bernay.
H

 :o ;D :D Fantastic tale - almost sounds like non-fiction!

BTW - I hear those Pepsi "slammer" bottles are better - have a wider neck, but only a 500ml capacity, so be sure to have a spare or two to hand, but swapping could be tricky.

Any ideas for the laideees?

H
f**k*ng awesome.
Matt

H

I've seen you weaving and thought it was understeer!!
Now I know why the Badoit tasted a bit tangy......

One of our regular Le Mans team who shall remain nameless (okay its Daz) does the bottle releif trick to save him having to leave his tent in the middle of the night  - or morning or afternoon - think it was the year 2000 he filled up an empty JD bottle which got left behind on the Monday morning for the Houx Annex pikeys.

AB - on the 22:30 out or Portsmouth tonight to blast down for PQ tomorrow!!!

Nurofen,
Bottle selection is crucial, whether you have your bollocks in a Badoit or your penis ina Perrier, it can make all the difference...
H

H mate, sorry completely missed this thread until this morning and it's been bothering me ever since! I  bought a 500 ml bottle of Coke at the services today and having absent mindedly taken a thirst quenching slug, your thoughts came back to me. The bottle was slung in the bin immediately. I havn't felt so ill since I was on the Portsmouth Express!

When I see you, remind me to tell you what went on in a Germans tent in Parking Rouge, vis a vis needing instant relief.

However, the main reason lorry and van drivers piddle into bottles is to do with their favourite hobby; murdering hitch hikers. Having just strangled the aforesaid Sociology student and dumping his/her body in a rolled up carpet in a layby near say Market Harborough, they obviously don't want to leave any forensic DNA evidence lying about. So they piss in a bottle and throw it out of the window near Bury St Edmunds or some such dump miles away, thereby throwing PC Plod off the trail.

Oh, and if you think your old fella likes it in the neck of a bottle, then you should try it in a thermos flask stuffed full of warm raw liver, it's lovely! Apparently. So someone told me.

Andy, that's remarkable! A friend of mine told me exactly the same thing about the flask and warm liver. Although I think he prefers giblets.
And if any of you out there think it would be nice with cold liver, then you're sick I tell you, SICK!
H

Nothing to do with getting to Le Mans, but a woman down the road from here was reputed to be partial to covering her bits in bovril and getting next doors dog to lick it off. We're like that in Sussex.

One of the lads was desperate on the way back from Le Mans two years ago, so made me stop the mini bus so he go for a piss. We were on the N138 just on the outskirts of Le Mans. (You know the busy road that runs through the industrial / shopping area, as you exit LM heading for Alencon).
When I stopped, all the lads dived out and went up against the fence.
One then returned , asked for the bog roll and then went back to the verge and in full view to us and the traffic, dropped his pants and squeezed one out.
We couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes !

Classy.
There's no substitute for good breeding, is there...

Jeez Chris,
I wasn't suggesting we should try and crap in a coke bottle.
It's one thing having a widdle in an empty mineral water bottle, but trying to squeeze five pounds of crap into a Dr Pepper is another thing altogether.
You'd have to have an automatic for a start, and forensics would have a field day with the hitchhiker. I reckon he would have been more than happy with the carpet treatment.
Ahem.
H

Reminds me of a "supposedly" true story concerning a removal lorry driver who used to buy a pint of milk to drink for breakfast and then keep the bottle to p**s into while driving to save stopping.

Having been on the continent for nearly three weeks, he had been emptying the bottle out of his window onto the grass verge while driving. Arriving back in the UK early one morning, he was heading along a dual carriageway in Kent and forgot that he was now driving on the left again and automatically emptied his bottle out his window, straight onto the passenger seat of an Golf GTI with the roof down that was overtaking him.

There is a handy sink in the back of the Commer which drains directly into the rear wheelarch. I suppose it is the mobile equivalent of the sink in a students' bedroom.

No one piddled "on the hoof" in our gang, but just don't ask me what happened in the big fountain in the square in Deauville at 4.30am on monday morning! It was very artistic.

One of our guys used one of those insulated mugs during the night in his tent, emptied it, then left it for the pikies.

We still smiling now when we picture whoever took it sitting down for a coffee!!  ;D

One of our group was determind not to remove the cork between the time we left on Thursday night and returned on Tuesday morning however at about 5pm on Monday in the Carrefour in Caen he suddenly started acting a little strange, you have never seen somebody move so quickley! He made it in time and when he returned I swear he was so light his feet weren't touching the ground...

AB