Club Arnage

Help!! I have been hit by this bloody problem, as reported on the telly and news, and it has totally buggered my computer up as a result.

First of all I apparently got a virus warning when I went on line, so I shut down the machine. Then I got a cloth and some Dettox spray and thoroughly disinfected the tower, keyboard and scanner/printer. No germs left. Bingo!

But when I fired the machine back up Norton Antivirus told me that there was now a worm in the system. How did it get in there? The nearest garden is well away. So, out with the screwdriver and off with the back of the tower and a quick look with a torch, but no sign of the worm or indeed any droppings. I do not know what worms eat, or I would set a worm trap.

So thinking back to biology classes at school, I therefore tipped a bucket of soapy water into the tower, knowing full well that if the worm is in there, it will come to the surface to avoid drowning. I was blown across the room by a huge electric shock and lay on the floor dazed for about ten minutes.

Why-oh-why do these so call computer experts at HP and Symantec not put up warnings against these dangers? Or have I misunderstood the situation again?

I opened up the side of my tower and brought one of my chickens in from the garden so that the old girl could have a scratch around for this supposed worm.
All she managed to do was pull out some CHIPS.  When I normally have a portion and cod on a Friday I always keep the paper well away from the PC.  How the hell did they get in there  ??? ???

How's about a real BLASTER WORM'?

OK, if you do want tech advice, here it is:

Before you connect, do this:
1. Click on Start
2. Click Run then type: services.msc
3. When the Services window opens up, scroll down the list to the first Remote Procedure Call (RPC)
4. Right-click on this and select Properties
5. Click on the Recovery tab
6. You will see the drop-down menus labelled First failure, Second failure and Subsequent failures. These will be set to 'Restart' as default.
7. Change each drop-down menu to 'Take No Action' then click Apply and OK.
8. Close the Services window

You may want to have a look in task manager (alt+ctrl+del) under processes and applications and 'end task' anything like 'blaster'.

Connect to the 'Net, downlaod the patch from Microsoft, update your antivirus and away you go.

Best of British....

Just for info the address for the patch is:
 http://www.microsoft.com/technet/treeview/?url=/technet/security/bulletin/ms03-026.asp

No chickens here I'm afraid but hope this is helpful to someone  ;).

Note re Blaster - you can't get it if you are on Win95/98 or ME. Dreamracers the first person I've seen publish the info regarding changing Services properties, and personally I wouldn't touch that area unless all else had failed.

Let's hope no-one here got it. I am working with a major insurance company for the next month to secure their estate against it, they were hit on Wednesday. Not a cheap exercise for them.

HI everybody

YES!!!!!! I have been "blasted",by this trojan thingy.....however thanks to Mr.Gates and Trend-pcillin supplyng patches to eradicate the invisible horse :P................I am now trojan,worm and any other virus free......yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ;D ;D ;D

Am very drunk.
Andy, the only info I can find that mey help ypu with this virus, is a solution from the McMohammed el Fayed anti virus handbook. It;s called the 'F*ck you upside Down Solution'
First, find the fuse box that supplies youer PC and take out the fuse, and replace with a nail, or pair of toe clippers. Mohammed isn't too clear as to whether you f*ck the pc upside down or, sh*t, hang on. You couold be upside  down, or maybe the PC, personally, I think that's the least of your problems, somehow you've got to get your old fella in there. Hang on to your eyeballs. In the days of DOS this was easy, I suspect you should try to locate a whiffy hotspot but not a 3" floppy. Sprinkle the whole show with talcum powder if in doubt. Hump like mad.
That should have got rid of the virus, or Mohammad's not my name. Now you've got to find the worm. If I remember my biology lessons at least very vagually, they're wriggly little b*stards. They also have a saddle so they can be ridden by very small cowboys. Therefore I reckon searching for the worms in the dark, you'll be able to hear the little f*ckers yahooing left, right and centre and see the moonlight glinting off the rhinestones.
Sneak then=m into your neighbours ears.
Oooh.

Haven't seen any worms in this neighbourhood :)  But my motherboard did fail last week.........I don't know what my Mummy has got to do with the infernal machine, but that's what the techie chap said ;D

By a strange coincidence I too was jolly drunk last night at a fancy wedding, where I took the commer as quite a few people were camping in the carpark.

I awoke this morning with a total muthafakka of a hangover. And I could swear my ears were ringing with what sounded like a helicopter getting ever closer and closer. I was somewhat surprised to note that indeed some flash bastards were arriving for lunch in a chopper and that i had parked by the helipad. Not what one expects to see really. I showed him my white arse thru the windscreen. I am not sure why i mention all this  as it has little to do with worms. Except that it feels like there are a few blaster worms eating my brain this pm. A glass of orange and the cricket for me this pm i think.

I certainly do not have the energy to hump a compaq or any other leading brand of hardware. But I have to admit that i am always pleasantly surprised at the amazing variety of everyday household items that H advises us to stick our knobs into. I reckon it'll be a Moulinex masterchef next. That could sting a bit.

Hmmm... According to my  firewall logs I too got an  attempted  Blaster Attack.  However,  Since I  use Linux reather than the micro$hite I never  catch  these viruses or worms that are so prevelent on the Micro$hite  systems.   And guess what linux is Free.

Hey Andy sorry to hear about your worm woes. My worm nearly got me into trouble the other night too.

By an even stranger coincidence I too was jolly drunk on Saturday night.

Spent a splendid day at Twickers where we had to drink Fuller's London Pride to help raise money for a player's charity, oh and watch some sevens rugger too. Carried on in Richmond where we shared a couple of further pints with Victor Ubugo and witnessed all manner of things floating in the Thames that shouldn't have been.

Anyway, I digress. Thankfully the necking of the final (14th we think) pint before the curry house rendered me virtually incomprehensible and worm inactive, and with almost total memory loss from this point, so even if my worm had misbehaved, I would have been able to completely deny it. And Steff, whatever it was I did/said that made you cry .. I apologise!!!

Haven't been that blasted since Le Mans in 1997!

Rick, I like the use of the words "we had to drink". I presume you were marched screaming and kicking at gunpoint to the pub! And just what was floating in the Thames?

Middlesex sevens always used to be a blast but I havn't been for some years. Last time I went I ended up sleeping on the platform at Richmond railway station as the  bastards had cancelled the last train. Too cold, so ended up in the Seven Eleven eating microwave pizza and helping the staff put colour supplements in the sunday papers.

Pleased to report that Mrs Z has stamped my pass to go to the World Cup in Oz. Will see a couple of pool games and then hopefully the quarter final in Brisbane, probably against Wales.

London Pride were the title sponsors of the event and they were donating part of the proceeds from each pint of Pride to the PRA benevolent fund, so in the name of helping injured players, we forced ourselves to consume eight each while enjoying some fine play and amazingly Bath made it into the semis where we were truly outclassed by eventual winners, Saints. We gained a smidgeon of payback for the Powergen final by putting Wasps out in the first round.

Highlights of the day though were 1) a group of four chaps dressed as two pairs of 118 runners, complete with the full vest and shorts kit, bad wigs and moustaches. Seated just a way away from us all afternoon, we then couldn't seem to get rid of them in Richmond - top performance and 2) those pints shared with Victor - hope I wasn't too gushing with my "we're not worthy"s - oh dear!! I was shitfaced by then though!

We are deffo going again next year (wifey vouchers permitting) but have to say that I am totally envious of your World Cup trip!! Good work fella getting the Mrs. Z approval!!!  ;D

And good to hear the Commer made an appearance at the wedding - trust you got some interesting glances/comments?

Cheers!!

Rick

Having gotten rid of the worms and viruses, I have now been told by our computer consultant there is a Trojan Horse in the machine. I simply cannot believe this. How can a horse, whether or not it is from Troy, get in there without detection? There are no hoof marks and I have not heard it whinny.

If I find it, should I try to f**k the horse upside down and risk arrest? Or call in the vet to have it shot?

Careful Andy... a Trojan Horse is quite large and made of wood... despite it's name, you'll be surprised to hear that it's not actually a normal horse... sitting quietly inside it is an army of trojans all tooled up and ready for battle... so poking your wanger up it's @rse may upset them a tad....

Take it to France and sell the horse to Carrefour's meat counter.  :P

It's OK, the bugs in your Microsoft software will eat the horse...

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Oh my god!  It's the remains of BigH's todger :o :o

'remains'...!  That implies there was originally more of it... isn't' that being a little optimistic?  ::)

Can't really comment on that Russ.  I was just going on the fact that BigH no longer appears to be attached to it ;D

Perhaps the worm is trying to escape from the Trojan army!

I read today that the FBI are intending to arrest an 18 year old for creating the Sobig.F virus... They haven't named the source of this info, they haven't named the 18year old, they haven't named where they are from... so lets face it, they are making it up to give the impression they are in control!!

They beleive this person is about to distribute the next variant...Soclever.F  ;D

Little ba***rds who create these viruses etc. need to be locked away from computers for the rest of their lives >:(

They all end up getting jobs with software or antivirus companies.  >:(

Pay a crim to catch a crim...

Not to be confused with a qwim of course... that's something a little different, and even harder to catch...

...mind you, they can also leave you with a nasty virus... >:(

And sometimes you have to pay one (so I'm told)  ;D

I think we can coin a new frase then Mr. B....

"Pay a qwim to catch a virus"  ;D

So the 'Sobig' virus is a condition your old man gets when you catch a virus having paid for a qwim.  :-[
Arrhah, all becomes clear now.  ;)

Does that mean we should all have a qwim on our computers :o

Sounds good, I'll type the relavant words into the search engine.

Funny, all I get are porn sites.  ??? :D

Well there's a shock ;D

I think you'll find that if you hunt around the 'temporary Internet Files' folder on your hard drive, you'll probably find you have already downloaded a number of qwim versions...

Doesn't hurt to get an updated version though... an out of date qwim is the last thing you need... the old ones are more susceptible to infection...  :-[

Any recommendations for the latest versions of qwims.  I was looking on line at T**t version 2.3, but if you know of a newer version I'd be grateful ;D

I'm lead to believe that qwim version numbers operate in reverse. Anything under 1.8 is strictly against the law, however Beta testing is permitted for versions 1.8 to 2.0

I would imagine your version 2.3 will be at it's most effectiveness, however there's little substitute for something a little older that knows all the tricks.  ;D

Ah yes of course, the TRICKS :P

Perhaps I shall look for version 3.0 ;)

Apparently version 3.0 is only for use by those with more experience.

I should be OK...........version 5.0 at home ::)

Should I upgrade  ??? I only have version 4.2  ???

Difficult to say.............these different versions are quite varyable  ;)  You could try the occasional (temporary) downgrade :o

I believe a backward downgrade has very adverse effects on the version 4.2 I have  :-\

Very wise 8)  My own version 5.0 would also take a dim view, but it never hurt to look ;D

I beleive there are some versions you can rent for an hour or so, on a confidential basis. There's load of them on the net appaerently.

These are usually version 4.5 pretending to be version 2.5

Top get back on track, there is now a Python in my computer. And I am not referring to the advice from H. I expect it will scare the horse.

This is more the activity that I would expect from Pretzel ;D

Is it called Monty  ???

It's Ok Andy..it's BigH's lost todger

No. Keith I think.

You mean BigH has a name for his todger :o

No disrespect to anyone called 'Keith' but it's not exactly the most likely candidate for a todger now is it!

"Hello ladies, may I introduce you to Keith the Trouser Python..."

Sorry... can't see it myself...  ;D

Normally Keith is  the name of a man who runs a sweet shop.

How about Percy  :-\