Club Arnage

I noticed a lot of chaps with their own hosepipes and fittings this year.  I suppose that they were mostly used for legal purposes, but if I wanted to take my own next year, can anyone tell me what size the fittings are for the standpipes.  I bet they're not standard 50 or 75 mm threads!

The ones on Houx Annexe this year and the ones on Expo last year were standard external threads. Not sure whether 50 or 75mm but the standard one we had fitted fine.

Just looking at a ruler and 75mm looks far too big. 50 looks quite large too but might be the right size.

There should be at least one person with the right size fitting anyway so just ask them if you can borrow their thread and connect your femail hose connector onto their male connector.  :)

Cheers JP

Have to see if I've got enough space in the back of the motor to fit the hose!  Threatening to do something abominable to my mates arse!!!!!!!! :o

Andy

After a diet of red meat, beer and red wine for a week I don't think any of our group need any loosening off in that area.  :o

His 'Club-Speed-Es-Car-Go' name is Captain Claggy.............Says it all I think ::)

Captain Gibberish

Just stick you hose on the standard euro wide fittings , if there are ant problems Ze Germans will sort it out .

Cheers Robbo, I'll give it a try ;D

We bought a cheap hose and nozzle set this year at Carrefour for 'amusement'.
It came with various sized adaptors and fittings which are the same as UK tap threads.  So no probs there.
Us (and many passers by) got very wet in Houx Annexe on Sunday night.  ;D

Must admit, I was wondering about a very long hose up to the Houx Annexe Roundabout next year instead of worrying about refilling the SuperSoaker!!   ;D

During our moist misbehaving on Sunday night, someone drove past in a open car with a passenger who had an amazing supersoaker.  Instead of a piddling stream of water, it just dumped it's entire reservoir in one go - right over my mate standing next to me  ;D

Thanks for the info about Carrefour, Steve.  How long was the hose?

Andy

the best price for a basic 7m hose + the nozzle is around 7 euros on every DIY store... regular lengths are 7, 15 and 25 meters but you also can ask for the lenght you desire as they sell it by meter...

As far as I remember, we were gready and went for the full 25 metres (for extra manoeuvrability)  ;)
One of our number brought it home with him to water his garden.

Gilles / Steve

Thanks for the information.  Very useful.   :)

Hey guys , Gibberish , Gilles etc

You can pick up anything cheap in LIDL . Quality isnt great but if you are a cheap scate !!

Any shop where there are loads of horrible screaming brats , and you will find bargins  ;)

Don't try to find any hose in LIDL, I never saw it... They are really poor in evrything but food and cleaning products nad al DIY goods they sell are occasional sales, they don't sell the same products everyday...

BTW it's a good bargain place for food, especially vegetable, and they have some bargain prices on beer, if you like to it a lot, it's the cheapest place to provide your beermountain !

Thanks Robbo, but I'm with Gilles on this one.  I've only experienced one LIDL, and I don't fancy it again.  Besides my own screaming kid is 19 now and I try to avoid them these days ;)

For Gods sake, don't eat their food! WHHHUURRRPP!

I once had their tinned Baked Beans. Never again. The can was designed to look suspiciously like Heinz to the casual observer. Upon opening the tin, there appeared to be small rock hard gall stones swimming in a foul smelling sauce of thin pink vinegar. Mind you at seven pence a tin, what do you expect.

And as for their meat! Their tinned ham says on the back " "May contain marine mammal fat and other meat biproducts".

Incidentally, I was once surprised to see Dame Judy Dench coming out of the Horley branch. No wonder Michael Williams is dead if she fed him on that crap.

So, as far as Lidl is concerned, hose pipes yes, food no.

Tend to agree with that one Andy.  I had a look in theRedhill branch when I worked in that town, and I wasn't impressed.  A chap who lives next to me told me that they are very popular in Germany.  Can't see why.

Regrettably, Germany is in a contiuing and worsening economic slump. It has ten percent plus unemployment, over six million people on social benefit. Hence, I guess, Lidl do well.

Ah yes...........the benefits of re-unification.  I was in Leipzig recently and they are spending a fortune on the place.  Wouldn't surprise me if they won the olympic bid.

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Awesome

I can concur...

We took some ' Lidls Chilli Con Carne' to Le Mans in 2001.... We all know how bloody awful the weather was.... Well I (in my role as Little Chef) started to prepare what we all hoped would be a hot meal to restore some warmth to pi55ed, wet and cold bones....

They must have run out of lips, eyes willies and any other animal/marine derivatives because it was the consistency of gravy... but without any of the taste....

The fact that I managed to burn the disgusting gloop to the bottom of the pan and is something I have been reminded of every year since, is another story.... ;D

I am told that the Pepperoni Pizza's are really good , 3 for £1.50 .

Just need to work out how to cook on the BBQ .

Any idea ????? :-\

Pizzas DO NOT WORK on barbies!

If you want to see decent camp cooking, come and see me next year.  My mates were so stuffed it hurt...........or so they said :D

Robbo

Do NOT eat their stinking pizzas. Made in Poland out of genetically modified cheese and rotting Albanian tomatos, all on a base of stone-ground bones and left overs from the cattle cake factory. And the pepperoni is an actual sliced up donkeys cock, which is why it has a hole down the middle.

Ever wonder how they can make them, ship to the UK and sell at a profit all for £1.50?

If they can sell Baked Beans at 7p per tin , when cans cost 7p to make ???

Try not to think of it , but then i eat Mc Donalds and Portsmouth Cities famous KENS KE-BABS ( donkey nuts and monkey brains ) .

So .............

nothing wrong with Kens Kebabs. Better than most godawful burger bars in Southsea.

I presume your idea of a balanced meal is a Big Mac in each hand?

If you are a true Pomparian ( i'm not ) it would have to be Uncle Sams from North End , 2 mins from my house and yummy .

Maybe a Bacon Cheese double or Special request !!

Not a scummer myself but have pals down there.

Is a Special request the one with pus?

Scummer - No way  pal . Thats fighting talk round here .

I am a proud Englishman , raised in the green lans of Yorkshire and then vacated to Portsmouth years ago . So here i am .

special - pus , thats differnet , no, nail varnsih , hair , usual poor service as the check out girl is having a barny with her fella or some thing .
 

Strange cos when I lived in a dump called Southampton, I could swear everyone called people from Pompey a scummer.

Boys Boys Boys...........now now then.......anyone got a recommendation for trravelling by ferry from pompy?  I'm trying to guage whether it's worth it, or whether I go via Dover/Calais again.  Dover and Pompy are about the same drive for me.

We do Pompey to Caen. Only a 90'ish mile drive the other side then. We take the overnighter, but it's considerably more expensive than Dover-Calais. I think we paid £338 returning Monday afternoon including reclining seats on the way out for a car and four people.

Don't worry Gibber, I wind up friends from Southampton by calling them scummers too.

If you leave from Three Bridges, it is actually closer to Pompey. It is 58 miles from Handcross down the A272/285. Plus you save the best part of a days drive in France and you miss out Rouen traffic.

But as JP says it is more expensive generally, even after you have saved the £60 odd on petrol. I suppose it depends on how many people in the car and your budget. The Commer was £269 with Brittany Ferries this year on day time sailings, we went Thurs morning and came back on the tuesday.

Personally, I wouldn't go via Calais even if it was free as it would take to long in the Commer.

As with Andy Z and JP Chenet we go from Pompey, but taking the Brittany Ferries Wednesday night over to St. Malo, returning on the Monday after from Caen late afternoon.

If you have a reasonable number of passengers the costs can be easier to swallow, plus there is a great atmosphere on board. Almost makes the extra cost worthwhile on it's own.

Friend of mine (Wishywashyman) used to do the Dover/Calais run then 6 hours in France, even though he was only 30 mins drive from Portsmouth. Now he prefers the more relaxed route from Pompey and it's a great start to the weeks festivities. For instance you can spend all night in the bar - taking the p*ss out of the extroadinarily amateur 'entertainment' provided by the ferry operator.
This years 'magician' was a corker!!

Some things are priceless  :)

i always go Pompey to Le Havre , better entertainment ??

I worked out at £50 each for seven in  vw van thing .

Its 150 miles ish , but its a good drive down with the 400 other cars .

I went Weds night and returned mon afternoon , but those are the most popular sailings and are fully booked really quickly .

Dover is a dump . Calais is a hole .

P&O do a special Le Mans breakfast , basicaly as much as you can eat and drink for £8 , which sorted us out for all thursday .

Andy, Robbo

I know it was only a wind up.  Thanks for the info about the Pompy crossing.  Just a matter of convincing my mates.  Budget is a bit tight for some of them.

A friend of mine is a dab hand at fitting V8's into most things.  I'm sure a Commer axle will handle it - maybe not very aerodynamic though  ???

Tell me more Steve!! I have been having the same thoughts too about V8-ing it. Although recently I bolted on a Weber carb and it has knocked about 15 to 20 seconds off the 0-60 time.

The axle is a tough number, but will not handle stupid bhp. Maybe will need a Sunbeam Tiger axle.

How much do you reckon it would cost for say a standard Rover V8 or maybe even a Ford 3 litre V6 to be installed?

I remember a friend put a Rover V8 into a Bedford CF a few years ago.  Also I've seen a Jag V12 complete with rear end in a Transit (the engine was next to the driver though).
Assuming you have space in the engine bay, a Ford V6 plus gearbox can be picked up for £300-400 from a specialist scrappy.  Then it's a case of fabrication of replacement engine / gearbox mounts, modifying the propshaft and reconnecting or rerouting things like exhausts (single or twin pipes), radiator hoses, cabling and electrics.  A reasonable Ford 3000 V6 should give you maybe 150-180 bhp.  Rover 3500 V8s start at 180 bhp and up to 300 bhp or more for a 4.6 ltr.
Basically, in cost terms it amounts to the time spent carrying out the swap plus the buggeration factor of sorting out the above items.
Myself and my comrades in arms are kit car enthusiasts (cobras in particular) so we all have spent time scratching our heads over strange car building problems, so nothing is insummountable.
As they say "There's no replacement for displacment".  I have 6556 cc of displacement  ;D (and the fuel bill)  :'(

Sorry, made a mess of the last posting,  should have been as follows:

Good grief Zarse...............this sort of behaviour is likely to get you into more trouble with the gendarmerie.  I'm just imagining a commer van drag racing outside maison blanche!!!!!!!!!!     :o :o 8)

Well, I got all excited when I saw the title of this thread, but sadly the topic wasn't probed fully, or at least as fully as a 75mm standpipe will allow.

I mean I know Colonic's a small nation, and El Presidente can be a real tw*t when it comes to foreign affairs, especially when we know they hold the world to ransom with their main export, chiclets. But the people deserve water for chrissakes, even if not a real fancy scheme. What is this Club Nazi Arnage?

A V8 in a commer, a damn fine idea. Personally I reckon the crankshaft will stay put, and the rest of the vehicle will start rotating. Andy, I suggest an astronaut type training regime to select the lucky boys who will be embarking on this voyage. God bless every man Jack of them.
H

Irrigation of the colon is not a simple as it seems BigH, but you're right.  Not enough use of the 75mm standpipe :o  Like many things in life, this thread has ended worming its way incomprehensibly into ......  into ......  into  ...........  sorry lost the plot! ::)

possibly the ascending colon

I think I have it...................

Why don't we arrange for Andy's V8 commer to run a powerful water pump which could give colonic irrigations to all the spacesuited figures in the van.  75mm standpipe to be welded to the back bumper 8)

that's a great idea, can the  b*st*rd who decided to charge early arrivals 10 euros a night. be the 1st  victim

Sounds good to me ;)

Hope you're getting all this Andy.  Sounds like you might have some work on your hands ;D

Yes indeed, I think I am still with it. This thread has meandered from a simple question about hose pipes and the diameter and functionality of their attachements, through the byways of the toxicity of food from Lidl and Kens kebabs, scummers, the best way to cross to France, V-ing the Coma, astronautical training and finally a dehydrated small country whose cheif export is chewing gum and is presumably located in the Caucasus Mountains between Azerbaidjan and Ngorno Carrabak. Only on CA!

Was it or was it not Bedford Pat who put a BMW 3Litre auto in his camper? I seem to remember he terrified himself with the performance it kicked out. This and the question of it being an utter waste of time and money is all that is holding me back from turning the Coma into some sort of rotting, mildew infected street dragster.  

Actually when I was a kid there were too many prats who jacked up the back ends and put air scoops on bonnets of Capris, Marinas and Cortinas. My how we used to laugh at them. It now seems I am having serious thoughts about become such a prat.

Anyway, on the subject of hosepipes, I think it is time I attached one to the end of the Commer's exhaust pipe, started the engine and went for a long sleep.... Does anyone know if Carrefour do a Hoselock adaptor for this purpose?

I thought you would be doing such a conversion in a tasteful manner, and thus avoid the 'pratishness'.  I can fully understand your desire for more performance Andy, and I wouln't let this thread put you off :)

Besides which, its fun to muse over ;D

Jesus mother of canaries!!!

In a quiet moment I did a search for 'customised v8 commers', and came up with this little beaut:

http://www.ricecop.com/hatemail.php

Be careful out there boys....

H

The Commer is already a "rice burner". But only cos, like a fool, I let the pan boil dry.

Burning rice in the current engine might be OK (0 to 60 in ten minutes) but how are you going to make that work for a V8? :D

I think I'll just give up on the whole idea, as it seems these commers can be lethal.

I heard that Idi Amin died in one just yesterday. I am sure it said on the telly that he had been in a commer for the three weeks prior to pegging it. I know how he felt. I am in a persistent vegetative state for about a week after being in a commer for a few days at Le mans.

Or have I misunderstood the situation yet again?

Very good  ;D ;D

Aw come on Andy, a little persistent vegetation never really hurt anyone 8)

This commer of yours could become legendary ;D

Gibber

Andy

you are not alone out there:http://www.carsurvey.org/viewcomments_review_4861.html  ;D

Gibber

Yes Gibber, there are one or to about, you'd be surprised.

There was even one Commer camper on the TV news last year, as it was used in a child abduction case which ended in an armed standoff with police, blocking the M4 for some hours. I could scarce believe my eyes when I saw it live on Skynews. The protagonist, who bore a remarkable similarity to a cross between Frank Spencer and E L Whisty, having released the kiddy unharmed, was waving what seemed to be a lime green waterpistol and shouting that no bastard copper was going to take him alive. They told him not to be a silly Commer driver and to put down the gun. Apparently he burst into tears and was led away very distressed.

I don't know what happened to him after that but I bet the Committee ripped up his membership card to the Classic Camper Club double quick.

Andy

I'm developing a new-found admiration for the Commer :o  or is it just that I'm losing my grey cells too fast? ;D

Steve

I think that your ex-girlfriend must have been playing with the wrong sort of vegetable ::)

Gibber

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And finally, the Court bailed this man, which is quite unbeliievable IMO. What is less unbelievable is that he has now gone on the run and is on the wanted list.

DAD!!!

Yes I know Son, it's all getting a little wierd :-[

Andy

I hope that this is not normal behaviour for Commer drivers  :)

BTW what's wrong with cucumber sandwiches?

All in a days work I guess. I unfortunately couldn't make the annual rally of the Classic Camper Club at Hereford Race Course the other weekend. I had more pressing engagements like mowing the lawn.

Gibber, given what he does with them to his lady friends, if you eat any veg from Steve let alone a cucumber, then you are a braver man than me .

Why cant we just shoot all these nutters ( Commer Drivers NOT YET included )

OK Andy I've got the drift :o  Bit slow of me really, but I'm actually a shy retiring sort of chap, who is not given to imagining such misuse of vegetables. ::)

Reminds me of what mick jagger used to do with Mars bars....................... ;D

A friend of mine did something similar with a screw driver once apparently.... his bird wasn't too impressed when he told his mates down the pub about it...don't think he's ever owned a Commer though... so he can't be all bad...  ::)

A screwdiver Russ!!!!!!!!! :o

But which end..............and what type?

...Philips I think... not sure which end though... knowing my mate... probably tried both!!!

And now that I think about it... I think he said there was a hair brush involved that same weekend!!!... but I'm sure that wouldn't have been the bristle end!!!  :o

Perhaps I should re-examine who I call my friends!!! ???

Ferrero Roche and a bottle of champagne! Not the behaviour expected at the Ambassadors cocktail party I can tell you!

Russ

This mate of yours sounds like a truly adventurous type ;) but I tend to agree with the bristle end being unlikely  ;D

Andy

I take it that you prefer the "Come back to my Commer  and sample my champagne" approach 8)

What lady of taste and decernment could resist such an offer from from a fat balding forty something pervert in a campervan? And when I bought the Commer I found a long forgotten bottle of Asti Spumante in one of the cupboards. The label says "Gala Bingo". I still have it.

Balding fourty something...........sounded like me for a moment 8)

Are we now venturing into the hitherto unthought-of area of Bingo in a Commer :o  Please tell me that you didn't drink the muck, and that you've only kept the bottle for some sort of sick joke in the future ;D

Electric??

Aaaaahhh.
Strip Bingo in lay-byes.

I'm sweating, I'm sweating....

H

Good grief Pretzel............that could be truly painful, but I suppose you'd have to ask a member of the fairer sex ;)

BigH
That is a truly perverse idea.  Unless one was slaughered on the aforementioned Asti Spumanti....if such a thing were possible ;D

Two fat ladies anyone  ;)

Oh God, please don't tell me we're decending into bingo jokes.  I might have to kill myself ::)

I think you're almost as sick as my mate there Pretzel!! You'd have to be carful how you held it... :o

Stange how an innocent enquiry about hosepipe fitting can degenerate into revelations about other people perversions :o

Good fun though ;D

What's worse then gibb??? Bingo jokes or using electric DIY tools for sexual thrills??!!!

Sorry guys.. I think it's my fault we descended below 'the bottom of the barrel' with this thread!!

As far as I know, my mates little games did not include any electical tools that were not specifically designed for the appriprate useage...

But hey... it's all comnig together... we've got the ultimate line...

"Come back to the Commer love, you'll get a bottle of fizz in the back and I'll show you why they call me 'The Screw Driver'..."

Now what girl could resist!!!  ;D

(appologies to the ladies who brave this forum...)  ::)

OK Russ the bingo jokes are probably less risky, but the rest of is highly illuminating ;D

Andy Z
the things that you are about to do in the back of that Commer are truly beyond belief :o :o :o

gibber

What a waste of good Asti! On the advice from my specialist wine merchants, Eastenders of Calais, I am saving this prestigeous bottle for a special occasion. It is a '96 from the noted champagne house of Dom Gala Bingo, Epernay. '96 is considered a vintage year I beleive.

It is laid down in the Commers wine cellar (there are some secret stairs down to it by the battery cover). Like any cellar there are all sorts of things down there, including but not limited to, big spiders, an old bike and a gone hard bag of cement.

Is there a substantial collection of blue lint there, like that which collects in your belly button?

Yes loads of it. Also if you look up, there is a strange large brown stain in the ceiling. This suggest that someone had died in the bed above at some point and was not discovered for several weeks. Maybe he kept picking his belly button before he died and throwing the fluff in the cellar.

I keep finding a lot of finger nail clippings through out the vehicle as well. Strange.

I keep finding cat hair in places I know the cat has never been, like in the frozen food isle in Tescos - spooky

Hmmm,
The fingernails could be shrapnel from one of your mates (Chris, the Japanese helicopter pilot) more frantic sessions in the back. Do you really know what he's doing in between making cuppas while you're driving?

Is it me, or is anyone elses computer under full virus attack at the moment. My shields are up and holding but Scotty (aka McAfee) is going apoplectic in the engine room.

I am currently number 428 in the McAfee support line...

H

Was it really cat hair?  Hot weather + lack of female underwear = urgh....... I don't want to go there.   :o

H

Sobig F ........  its the biggest windows virus yet.  Spreads by E-mail

gibber

More info on this virus  http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/3169573.stm

I always access this forum from the office - where we have on-line security procedures that would make the MOD look like an unlocked BMW M3 with the keys in and ignition running... so we've not had any problems...

At home however, I have spent the last 2 evenings cleaning up 3 nasty viral infections from over 1000 files, and a ridding a small number of trojan's from my PC...

I'm yet to be satisfied it's 'clean' and was up until 1:30am last night finishing a fresh install of the OS prior to a complete re-build...

Seeing as the box only cost me £20 from a mate (not the same one with the screw driver!) I'm not to worried if it goes in the bin, but it's just all very inconvienient!!!

The lesson here I think is ...Don't have unprotected surf with sites of ill repute!!!

See BigH's suggestion on how to have protected s** , sorry surfing, with your PC.  http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=797;start=30

 ;D ;D ;D

Is BigH planning on using the Philips on his infection? That sounds the most painful yet!!!  Although a Philips would probably be better then a flat head! :o

My PC sits nicely under my desk... covers off for easy access when required... purring away... flashing and winking at me now and again... grinding away 56X faster than a normal PC...

... I'd say I needed to get out more... but I can't get my Knob out of the drive hatch, and the box is a little heavier than would be comfortable swinging between my knees...

And there I was, thinking that this thread had gone and got all techie :D

Nice to see we're back in the realms of fantasy ;D

I wonder if we could fit one of these unprotected PC's into Zarses wine cellar in the Commer?

And would it need a CD-Rom drive... or would a 3.5 inch floppy by more suitable???  ;D

Never!! The commer would reject it, it's too dangerous. Havent you seen Jeepers Creepers? There would be all manner of hobgoblins, incubus and succubus set loose. We'd be having terrible nightmares and wet dreams throughout the Le Mans week.

Anyway it already has one of those old coal powered Welsh religious computers. Its called a Cannon St John Mainwaring Grylls XV. It sits quietly in the corner of the cellar, bubbling and gurgling away and blowing out little puffs of steam, pipes and plumbing clanging. It contemplates the human condition and other ecumenical problems. It's quite well natured but fucck with it at your peril.

Bwwahh ha ha,
Bwwahh ha ha,
Bwwahh hahahahahhahahaha...

Good to see the Friday evening drinking has started nice and early!!  ;D

It's the Shop Assistants I tell you. Steer well clear of Tesco.

They're not as bad as the ones in Woolworths tho. Years ago my brother went up to one in the Broad Street branch in Birmingham He told her he had put deadly anthrax in the pick'n'mix. "Owh" she replied rather disinterestedly, "It's not moy aisle".

olny just noticed this but what were the ilegal puposes you had in mind stu??? will i see you in east boldon on sun night, marrow or what ever it is you call gadgies? pls excuse the drunk talk etc

Zarse old chap.........Lost it there I think :D  try again when sober ;)

I had no idea what possibly illegal purposes there might have been, it just seemed like a good question to ask 8)