Club Arnage

Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.
 
Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

 :o I can't wait to hear the smart remaks that are to follow .  :)

Nice one Smokie!!  :D


Why do women have legs??

Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?!?!   ;D

Ah, the old ones are the best!!

And asnother old one!!!!

What do you call a woman with no legs??

A dirty c**t!!!

Corporate Blunder!
Powergen has formed an Italian division. They went for the obvious company name and then they registered a domain for it in the company name. This isn't a joke - the link is live..

www.powergenitalia.com

Q.   Why do women have trouble having a pee in the morning?.




A..Have any of you blokes ever tried to open a cheese toastie.

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Waaay up in the Apalachian Mountains a young couple have just got wed. In their honeymoon cabin the groom is waiting for his young bride  (bout 12 up there I should think) to appear from the bathroom, and out she steps.

"Esau" she says (they have that sort of name up there) "Esau, afore I come to bed I got something to tell you"

"Whats that Ellie May" he replies.

"Esau, I got to tell you Ize a virgin"

Well, Esau screams blue murder, leaps out of the bed, throws his clothes on and runs home, bursts in the door and confronts his father, sitting in front of the fire smoking his pipe. The father looks up and says

"Boy, what you doing home? You should be with your purty (like the accent?) young bride Ellie May"

"But Pa" says the lad "Ellie May done told me she's a virgin!"

"Damn" says the father "Damn! Well in that case you done the right thing coming home. If'n she ain't good enough for her own family she ain't good enough for ours"

Er, any CA members from the Appalachians?

 A little boy comes down to breakfast.   Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to  feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks  a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with  a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"

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A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
 
"I look horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"
 
The husband replies..... "Well your eyesight's f*cking spot on"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Hey Smokie,

Looking at the '24 hour' bit of the company name above the entrance door do you think the owners have permission to use this typeface from the ACO?

[attachment deleted by admin due to age]

Sorry pal, Smokie beat you to it.
http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=853;start=15

It's really supposed to be a subtle plan to get his member(ship) up...

I will need to talk to my mates who are obviously very slow in sending me their holiday photos , but how do get them first , do you know Mr and Mrs from nowhereville. ??

Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.

It's not about the cars, but the size of your member  ;)

steve , this is what you are doing to my jokes !!

[attachment deleted by admin due to age]

Unleaded or Super ??

four Star , with addative's

I wish my car ran on that

http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/32610.html

Idiot!

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have
experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".

Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
 Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"

For all you budding DIYers...

http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 ;D

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SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness. If
 you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 

 SURGERY
 Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.
 

PERSONAL DAYS
 Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called,
"Saturday" and "Sunday."
 
HOLIDAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: January 1st & December 25th and 26th.
 
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
 Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for your dead friend, relative or co-worker. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the required funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks' notice, as you have a duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE
There is a strict 3-minute time limit on the use of the restroom
cubicles.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
lock and the cubicle door will open!
 
 LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to
      eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so
   they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
 
THANK YOU
 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
 insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
 
 Signed
 
 The Management

Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

 

I hope this answers your enquiry.

 

Kind regards

 

 

Mike Pashby

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of cetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic
name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic  name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

Excellent!!!!

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar in Covent Garden one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

A family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age.

"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of willies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

"In his twenties, a man's willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."



With apologies to all the over-50s of course...

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Peter Kay's Universal Truths
 
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it  in a fruit salad.

25 signs you've grown up:


1 Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2 Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel.
7 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10 You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17 Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21 You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25 You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

This is really good.

Quantas Airlines

 

 After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
 conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
 the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
 correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
 form

 what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
 before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
 engineers lack a sense of humor.

 Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
 submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
 engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
 never had an accident.
 
 P = The problem logged by the pilot.
 S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.

 
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 P: Something loose in cockpit.

 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 S: Live bugs on back-order.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 S: Evidence removed.

 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 S: That's what they're there for.

 P: IFF inoperative.

 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.

 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 P: Aircraft handles funny.

 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 P: Target radar hums.

 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.

 S: Cat installed.

 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

 pounding on something with a hammer.

 S: Took hammer away from midget.

2 snow men in a field
1 snowmen says to the other "can you smell carrotts"???

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.  

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."  

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.  

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A  beer please, and one for the road."  

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.  

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"  

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"  
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."  
"Is it common?"  
"It's not unusual."  

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."  

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.  

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
 
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Nice one Smokie. :D  The image left by the panda headline is quite, err, quite, well, um, quite, err  :-X

Our local rag annouced in big bold letters

Dog Wins Award at Crufts

A guy is stood behind a girl at the local supermarket. watching her goods being scanned he recall what she has purchased.
1 tin of beans
1 banana
1 apple
1 frozen pie
1 pint of milk
1 potato
1 carrot
1 bag of crisps
1 chesse slice
ready meal(for 1)
1 tin of soup
a small pack of biscuits

at the check out he says to the girl
"i bet your single"
the girl replies
"why yes i am but how did you know"
guy replies

"cause your minging"

 FINE  - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.  

 FIVE MINUTES  - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the! five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.  

 NOTHING  - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.  

 LOUD SIGH  - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her ! time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"  

SOFT SIGH  -  Again , not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.  

THAT'S OKAY  -  This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done... "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."  

GO AHEAD!  -  At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.  

PLEASE DO  -  This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"  

THANKS  -  A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! . Just say you're welcome.  

THANKS A LOT  -  This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

LOL  :)  very good Russ.................



Paddy had been drinking in his local Dubllin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Irelands draw with Spain.  Mick, the bartender says, "Youll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."  Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on his faxce.  "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool, and dusts himself off.  He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.  "Shoite Shoite!"  He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement (sidewalk in USA). He falls flat on his face.  "Bi'Jesus.....I'm fock*n' fock*d," he says.  He can see his house just a few doors down the road, and crawls to the door, and shimmies up the door frame.  He opens the front door and shimmmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fo*kin way".  He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and says "I can make it to the bed."  He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.  He says "Fo** it" and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did Jess.  I was fo**in   p**sed, but how'd you know?"


Mick called...........You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

 ;D ;D ;D
Brilliant

Blonde joke
 
 
 
 
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch
As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee:
'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... Very slowly?'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The blonde leaned over the counter and said,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiing.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
"Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied,
Chippendale's stripper.  Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, "OH MY GOD."

Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs".  Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their savings, in a familiar scam known as  "a relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

Brilliant Steve! Already on it's way to my joke buddies!!

 ;D

Nice one Steve..

Here's another.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of everything''

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that  the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.  

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of  miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another
survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's
Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.  :P

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything".

"Well there is one thing - would you mind putting on my
shirt?" he says



"OK"



"And my trousers?"


"OK"


At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" Kylie said.

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:













"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
 ;D

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.      

This is how it manifests itself:I decide to wash my car.                                          
                                                                           
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.                                                      

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.            
                                                                           
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
                                                                           
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.                                                      
                                                                           
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.    
                                                                           
 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left                                                        
                                                                           
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.            

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.            
                                                                           
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.                              
                                                                           
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.              
                                                                           
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.                
                                                                           
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.                                            
                                                                           
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.                          
                                                                           
Someone left it on the kitchen table.                            
                                                                           
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.                                
                                                                           
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.                                    

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.                                                            

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.                    
                                                                           
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.                                                    
                                                                           
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.    
                                                                           
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.          
                                                                         
                                                           

Oh dear, this all sounds extremely familiar - at least I thought it did - but I've forgotten.

Bugger......

LOL             Brilliant Nordic.  Reminds me of something..................now what was it?  ::)

Paddy, the Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
 So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought in Sean to identify the body.  Sean took one look at him and said Yup, he's been burnt pretty bad, roll him over".  So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Sean said "Well, Paddy had two a**eholes".
"What, he had two a**eholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a**eholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.... "Here comes Paddy with them two a**eholes".
 

Then after he was actually identified as being Paddy, (two arseholes or not) the Solictor read his will; Paddy had asked to be buried at sea.

So Sean and Seamus put Paddy's body into a boat and rowed out from the beach. After a hundred yards Sean said to Seamus "Roight, stop the boat". He jumped out and ended up to his waist in the water. "No good" he said "It's not feckin' deep enough here".

They rowed out for another hundred yards and again they stopped the boat. Sean jumped out, this time up to his neck "No" he said "Still not deep enough".

Another hundred yards later they stopped the boat and Sean jumped out and vanished beneath the waves, leaving only his flat cap floating on the top. Thirty seconds later he spluttered to the surface.

"It's ok" he said, "It's deep enough here. Roight Seamus, pass me that spade..."

A two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard near Galway. Rescue teams don't expect any survivors and have so far recovered 287 bodies!!  ;D

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.

" Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

LMAO v good steve

Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool... ;D ;D

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........

This is older than I am.  Think there was even a song with the immortal lines "and I met the barrel coming down"

Aha - this one's doing the rounds again then.

Posted back last July -  http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=848

Still, the better ones are always worth repeating  ;)

For your other halves

Marriage part 1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table  unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,   boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
  will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
  not."

> > > >>   > >   Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,   "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and  storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband  says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite
of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

A little story about my Ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track  of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a  little of that magic.

 " Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I
said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a
few
inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she  said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung  up!

So, this futures broker gets sick of the rat race and fucks off to the Highlands of Scotland and buys a remote crofters smallholding and relaxes in solitude.
One afternoon, there's a knock at the door and on answering it, the city slicker beholds a six foot eight inch Jock, bright ginger beard, sporran, the works.
"I thought I'd better introduce myself - my name's McTavish and I'd like to invite you to a party I'm hosting tonight" booms the giant of a man.
The yuppie's feeling a bit lonesome, so he says, "Yeah, that would be great".
"Aye, but I have to warn you, there'll be a fair bit o' drinking going on" says McTavish.
"That's OK" says the broker, "I like a drop of malt".
"Aye and there'll be a good deal o' fighting going on", warns McTavish.
"Well, I'm not a violent man", says the broker, "But I can look after myself, in a pinch".
"Aye and there'll be a hell of a lot o' shagging going on", whispers the giant McTavish.
The yuppie thinks "Great, I haven't had my end away for months" and exclaims, "Sounds good to me - how many people will be there?"
So, McTavish leans down into his face and says, "Just the two of us, laddie, just the two of us".
 

Nice one Matt!!!!  Now, where's the phone number of the Scottish guy I used to work with!  ;D

Hey! we've started now! What? You want another one?

These two guys were stood at an airline check-in desk, at which was seated a particularly gorgeous check-in clerk, with knockers that looked like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race.
A little distracted, one of them says, "Err, two pickets to Tittsburg please".
Terribly embarrased, he turns to his mate and says, "That came out wrong - that's called a spoonerism, you know - when you think something, but it comes out all wrong".
"Really", says the other dude, "I had one of them this morning, at breakfast - what I meant to say was "Would you please pass the toast dear", but what came out was, "You've ruined my life, you fat, ugly bitch"".

n Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad, The Scotsman goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and He splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to the Englishman to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is the Irishman. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts the Irishman.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move at least ten yards away from it..."

Bit of a slow news day...

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly
A rubber glove
And a mug of beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled...

Nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!

Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

LOL, nice one Nordic  ;D

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.


 The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5  persons."


"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."


The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.  I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
 "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

...and now a few for the old timers amongst us (I being one of the above mentioned),

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
    car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
    situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
    wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
    "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    ____________________________________________

    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
    the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
    yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
    starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
    to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
    that forgetful, knock on wood."
    She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
    who's at the door."
    ____________________________________________

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
    fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's
    Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
     ____________________________________________

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
    home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
    "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
    Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
    two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
    ____________________________________________

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
    asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
    said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
    back to sleep.
    A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
    settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
    Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
    "Where are you going?" she asked.
    "To get my teeth!"
    ____________________________________________

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
    She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
    guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
    Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
    they had shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures.
    Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
    week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked
    at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been
    friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've
    thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what
    your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
    and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
    see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
    intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
    it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
    light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
    passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
    really concerned that she was losing i t. She was getting nervous. At
    the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
    through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
    know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
    have killed us both!"
    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.

What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.




















Ans.  They both get sucked off in bogs.

 ??? ??? Don't know where i've been then cos i've not heard that before  ::)

Made me laugh anyway  ;D

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?

This is an easy one, I'll leave it for a bit though...
H

Alimentary my dear Watson! As H sez - easy-peasy lemon squeezy. This is the sort of thing that might crop up in the 11+ - talking of which, anyone been on Friends Reunited recently - you can retake 11+ papers against the clock!! Good fun if you like that sort of thing - I'm off to stick some pins in me legs instead.

Business was bad. The boss had to dismiss one of his employees. It came down to Jack or Jill.
He called Jill into his office and said, "Jill, I have to lay you or Jack off."
"You're going to have to jack off then, cos I've got a headache," Jill responded.

A wife decides she will take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Ray! How ya doin?"

His wife is surprised and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no." says Ray. " He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Ray if he'd like his usual and brings over a Manhatten.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says
"How did she know that you like Manhatten's?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League honey.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ray and says "Hi Ray. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Ray's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Ray follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, " Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight Ray."

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."

LOL  ;D  Very good Steve

Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything- the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.

 The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

 "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started humping away."

 

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

 


The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Excellent Smokie  ;D

(http://www.maxsnax.g2gm.com/images/dog_-_cartoon_14.jpg)

Did they spend it on whores?

Dunno. Never worked it out...

Blonde Joke

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double glazed energy efficient kind.  But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.  Boy oh boy, did we go around!  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.  There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument."

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.  Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A man gets out of the shower on a hot morning and says to his wife.

" what do will the neighbours think if I cut the lawn naked this morning?"

His wife replies

" well they will find out that I married you for the money!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man asks his wife

" Why are you ironing your bra, you have nothing to put in it!"

His wife replies

" I iron you pants don't I"

That is it for now, save some for Le Mans.

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party
in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and
music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters,
champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim
Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and
over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his
skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "Party's just got started. How's about I
get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the
'how's yer father?'"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the
gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks
Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service
to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"
and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door
opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the
face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls............. You're only supposed to blow the
bloody Doors off..."

LOL.  brilliant Robbo  ;D

It’s a bit political but clever and to the point!

I come for visit, get treated regal,

 

So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross border, poor and broke,

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need to see welfare.

 

Welfare say, "You come no more,

We send plenty cash right to your door."

 

Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,

NHS, it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,

Thanks to you, British dummy.

 

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in rags on the back of trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,

 

More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,

But neighbour's patience wearing thin

Finally, British guy moves away,

Now I buy his house, and then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),

But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is mucho good,

And soon we own the neighbourhood.

 

We have hobby-it's called breeding,

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Britishman crazy! He pay all year,

To keep us illegals in comfort here.

We think UK is very good place!

Much too good for the British race.

 

If they not like us, they can go,

There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

 

SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER

 

Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended

I wont as long as you diont kick me off this forum as the ferry spotters did on theirs.

Something about them being "ferry lovers " HELP !!!!

Following todays news reports:

Man walks into a bar with a baby seal under his arm, puts the seal on a bar stool and sits down himself.
Barman looks at him with a quizical expression on his face, and asks ' What can I get you?'

Man replies ' A pint of best for me please, and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '

Piece of red tarmac and a pice of green tarmac walk into a bar. Barman says to the red tarmac "I'm not serving him, hes a cycle path"

Found this posted on another site, thought it quite good as there maybe the posibility of a good ruby murry in MB......



Sing the words to the Queen song
"Bohemian Rhapsody" for full effect

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh ooooh
This korma is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....

 :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

Beast         ;)

Here are a few (sorry arsenal fans) sorry fan ;D

What do David Beckham and George Micheal have in common?

They both come in loos.

------------------------------------------------------

Why do housewives love arsenal?

They stay on top for months , then come second.

-------------------------------------------------------

Highbury Arms

Sign saying:- Don't ask for trebles as a smack in the gob usually offends.

-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Gunner and a Alcoholic?

An alky hangs onto his doubles and trebles!

----------------------------------------------------------

What does an arsenal fan do when his team get to the champions league semi finals?

Turn off the playstion.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A small boy walks into his  mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
 ;D

For those in need of a few hi tech tips can I recommend Dr Clifs Garage.

http://www.cardhouse.com/drcliff/garage/tech/techsupport.htm

According to the papers there are allegations of Michael Jackson having an affair with Victoria Beckham. Michael Jacksons lawyers deny these allegations claiming that their client was in Brooklyn at the time.

 :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
             a) Innovative
             b) Preliminary
             c) Proliferation
             d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
             a) Specificity
             b) British Constitution
             c) Passive-aggressive disorder
             d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
             a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
             b) Nope, no more booze for me.
             c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
             d) No kebab for me, thank you.
             e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
             f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
             g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
             h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
             i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
             j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Why do they use A,B,C,D,E,F,FF to define bra sizes

A- Absent
B- Barely Visible
C- Come in Useful
D- Damn Good
E- Enormous
F- Fantastic
FF- F**king Fake

 ;D

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy
 with his feet propped up on a table.
 He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy,

 "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little
 lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse
 and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to
 find out for herself, so she spent the night with
 him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
 Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
 flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
 services before." The woman replied, "Don't be
 flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some
 boots that fit.

 A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
 mouth. A young nurse appears and begins to sponge his hands and feet.
 "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
 wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
 testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and
 takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
 Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very
nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager" he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the loo. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and started at him.
The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettinga fax."

 One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

'Kin ace Mark.  ;D

Not a joke but...........

[attachment deleted by admin]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment, and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go into the woods and catcha rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls and the SAS are first up.  They done infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.  Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakeable muffled "phut - phut" of their trademark silenced "double tap".  they emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer, and sends in the Paras.

they finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camoflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.  For the next hour the woods ring wiht the sound of rifle and machine gun fire, had grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.

eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.  "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well dne" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whisling Dixon of Dock Green.  For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of walkie talkie " Sierra Lima Whisky Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you........" etc.   After what seems like an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.  "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take that squirrel back, and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago!"

So back they go.  Minutes pass.  Minutes turn into hours, night drags on, and turns into day.  The next morning the trainer, and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, with one eye nearly shut.     "Are you taking the p**s!!?" asks the now seriously irate trainer.




The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks "Alright, Alright,............I'm a f**king rabbit".




sorry robbo  ;)

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.

“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!”

“Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...f**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.

A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: “Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't f**k her.”

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in bed.
 
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.  While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
 
While he's there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes.  He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is probably very dangerous.  If he gets angry he'll kill us.  Be strong, honey. I love you."........
 
..... to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay, thought you had a cute ass and asked if we had any vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey, I love you too."

A man walks into a fish & chip shop with a fish under hid arm.
'Do you have any fish cakes?' he asks.
'Yes, of course,' says the fish shop owner.
'Great,' replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, 'It's his birthday'
 
 

A Fish swims into a wall...

Dam.

 ::)

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her  castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f**k*ng think so".

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: From The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation
.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

'kin ace ridefast.  Are you now taking refuge from the jihad with your name on it!   ;) ;)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "Grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.

" Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, my Dad says it will take the contagious".

Men strike back :


How many men does  take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 

In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That dirty Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

A few pictures to get the humor going.

For those of you that will not shave over the weekend

For the Guiness drinkers among us

Pre-Race preparations

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins".

And another oldie that has re-surfaced...

Subject: The joys of getting older
 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
 
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
 
"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a ch uckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
 
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
 
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
 
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
 
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
 
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
 
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks: "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
 
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

A Man staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A Lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The Gentleman says: " I'd like a bl0w j0b, a missionary sh@g, @n@l doggy style, some mild b0ndage, finishing off with a t1t w@nk, Is that OK?

The lady says: " It sounds interesting, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first ".

This is unbelievable...........definitely worth the read....

 then look at the pic....

 A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine

 Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were

 on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a

 week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high,

 rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home

 Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

 He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard,

 and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while

 watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the

 cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver

 all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again. He

 was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the

 state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the

 state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions.

 How Tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.

 Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your

 family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus

 expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front

 nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20 minutes.


  Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an

 ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out

 and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.

 A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a

 space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what

 looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He

 headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the

 cactus spraying it up and down. After a few minutes the

 flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and

 spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens

 were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert

 appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder.



  "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says

 the cactus man.

  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the

 cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger

 striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of

 two hand spans.



  The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this

 type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to

 full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus

 just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders

 are flung from it, dispersing everywhere.

 They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house

 and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated:

 police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was

 allowed in for two weeks.



  And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a

 full size dinner plate.

List of places I'd like to visit.

Kenya
Bali
Mexico
Sun City

Cheers Nordic!!  :o

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other

How the F*ck do you drive this thing?

(http://www.inference.phy.cam.ac.uk/mcdavey/pics/2000/fish.jpg)

On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple have just peeled off and got into bed, when she asks him:

"Do you remember what you were thinking fifty years ago now?"

"Yup," replies her husband " I remember on our wedding night, I was thinking about sucking your t!ts dry, and f@cking you senseless!"

"Ooh you dirty old devil" she coos "And what are you thinking now?"

"To be honest," he says "I was thinking what a good job I've made of it!"

Portuguese stadium officials have announced that David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.

 

A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well." ::)

Who has the ugliest wife?

Two guys sitting in a bar arguing  about who's wife is uglier. After
two hours back and forth arguing one says lets go to my house and I
will show you an ugly wife. So they went to his house and saw his wife
and the other guy says ya she's real ugly but now we got to go to my
house and see my wife. They pulled into the back of the house and
walked up the stairs into the kitchen and he moved a rug and under the
rug was a trap door. He stomped on the trap door with his foot and
then opened it and yelled honey I'm home and she yelled back do you
want me to put the bag on? and he said NO I don't want to f*ck you I
just want to show you to someone.
 
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Man:      Doctor I need some more sleeping pils for the wife.
Doctor:  Why ?
Man:      She's woken up.

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My wife is so ugly that when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "something to go in my bath" - so I got her a toaster.  

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A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f**ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
 
 Report to moderator    Logged  

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My wifes that ugly she must have been conceived on a day trip to Sellafield. She went to bed last night for her beauty sleep and set her alarm clock for November.  When we got married it was a fairy tale wedding...... Grimm.  

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I haven't talked to my wife for 3 months.

It's not that we've had a row.

It's just rude to interrupt.

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My wife likes to talk when I'm banging away from behind... but it's not easy to hold a phone as well.  
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make the wife cry during sex?

A. Phone her.  

Q. How do you make your woman scream during sex

A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. How do you make your wife buck like a horse during sex?

A. Slap her arse and tell her her sister is better.  
 
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Q. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A. None, it should be open when given to him!

Q. What have you done wrong if your wife comes into the lounge to nag you?

A. Made the chain too long!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the woman cross the road?

Sod the road.. what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen!!??  
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What you call a women who washes the dishes with one hand, makes the tea with the other, does the laundry with one foot and vacuums with the other foot.

A Swiss Army wife.

Their getting worse now.

Wife to husband: There's 3 flies in here
Hubby  yes 2 are male and ones female.
How do you know that says the wife.

well 2 are on the can of beer and ones on the phone..

And the old chestnut:-

2 married women go out for a night on the town and get wasted.
On the way home one says,'I'm dying for a wee' the other says so am I, I'm bursting. I won't make it home, Lets go in that Graveyard. So of they go and do the business behind the grave stones. Hell says one, I havn't got any thing to clean myself with, I'll just have to use my knickers and throw them away. I'm not using mine says the other, they cost me £40, I'll use this bunch of flowers. So they clean themselves and go home.
Next morning hubbys are talking. Thats the last time I let her go to town. Last night she came home with no Knickers on. Thats fuuk all said the other. Mine had a card stuck up her arse that said, 'We'll never forget you'

Thats it Goodnight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a woman cum?...Who cares!!  
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasm ..... because they think men care!  
 
Why do women get married in white??

To match the rest of the kitchen appliances!!

Made me smile  :)

All you can eat Curry House  ;D

When in Antigua, I went in a shop called 'Crabhole Liquors', but this has to be better:
(http://www.appliedinspection.co.uk/images/image8.jpg)

Well know chinese restaurant in Kings Road during 70's at worlds end was called Ho Lee Fook, or Ecstasy by the regulars.

A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed
by his sensitive side.


She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes &
and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with him, they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

One day, a young lad enquires of his mother: "How come I'm black and you're white?"
"Don't even go there," replies Mum "from what I remember of that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

     

How to shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and colours.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower - Wash your face. - Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair - Make shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.  Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Partially dry off.  Fail to notice water on the floor.

Admire knob size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed. Job done!

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. " Breast fed," she replied.  " Well strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously and thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

There's a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The NASA headquarters in Houston calls the shuttle after
exiting the Earth's atmosphere:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature
in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes,
and releases the oxygen

A few moments later Houston calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,
to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation.

So the monkey makes the necessary carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds
the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation.

A little later on, Houston calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the television screen."
The woman moves to the screen and sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says.....


"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a f*cking thing."

Two blokes, Jack & Mike, are in the pub Jack says to Mike  "My elbow hurts like f**k. I  think I need to see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to to do that" Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Sainsbury’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs a fiver...a lot less hassle than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Sainsbury’s… He deposits his fiver, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and w****d into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Sainsbury’s, eager to check the results. He
deposits another fiver, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury’s

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

 Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
 
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
 
The boy says £1,000".

The Father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going  to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

This was posted on the Nissan 200SX owners'club website last night, and
got distributed to other sites...

"Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple
of miles and breathalised.Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no
surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly
disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car.

I was arrested and read my rights.It was all a very salutary experience,
especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business
side-splittingly funny His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and
had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the
other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither
of them look very pleased.

Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he
calls me a tw*t. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public,
in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct
unbecoming.

Plod get back in their car and drive off,with the copper who'd had a
look round my car laughing his head off.

And the moral of the story for the police is....

....................
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..
.

Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before
breathalising the guy in the right hand seat"

Very good Russ, all the more reason for buying a Corvette.

Registration Card

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
    order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
    fill out
    the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions
    is not required, but the information will help us to develop new
    products that best meet your needs and desires.
   
1.      [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_]

    Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other
    First Name: .....................................................
    Initial: ........
    Last Name: ......................................................
    Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ......................................................
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
   
    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified
   
    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......
   
    4. Serial Number: ................................................
   
    5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified
   
    6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
    you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
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    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one
   
    7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
    decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
    [_] Price / value
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    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
   

   8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
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    [_] Iraq
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    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq
   
    9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
    purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
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    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
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    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
   
    10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all
    that apply:
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
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    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
   
    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
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    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveller's check
 
    12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
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    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
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    [_] Eccentric billionaire
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    [_] Retired
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    13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
    the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
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    [_] Sabotage
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    [_] Propaganda / misinformation
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    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
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    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
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    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction > >
   
    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
    answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
    Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
    receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
    extremist groups and mysterious consortia.
   
    As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to
    win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
    McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division
    P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

A man wanders into the doctor's surgery.

"I have a problem, doctor" says he.
"That's what I'm here for sir. Tell me all about it." replies the medic.

"Well.. it's a bit embarrassing really..."
"Don't worry," says the Doctor, "all you say is in complete confidence".

"Well... OK..." says the man, "It's like this:
When I get home at night, after a hard day in the office, it's all I can do to fight my wife off me. She won't give me any of the food she's cooked until I satisfy her sexually, completely."
"Right, " says the medic, "is this a problem for you?"
"No! " says the man, "Not at all I love my wife dearly, and I'm glad that she loves me. It's just that, after eating my supper, she drags me to bed immediately."
"Does that feel uncomfortable for you?" asks the doctor.
"No! We make live until two or three in the morning most nights. It's great! But when I wake up she makes me do it again."
"How does she do that?" the Doctor says (a grin spreading across his face).
"You know! The same as any women would!" says our man, "After that I drag myself off to work. At the bus-stop I always meet my neighbour."
"And how does he fit into this?" asks the confused medic.
"Actually, I fit into her rather well... Too well in fact. She insists on my attention every morning."
"I think I'm beginning to understand your problem" says the doctor, "carry on."
"Well, eventually the bus comes and I make it as far as the station. It doesn't matter what carriage I take, this young girl is always in the same one. She grabs me and before I'm at my destination we're going at it. It doesn't matter what I try."
"Oh!" says the doctor, "I can see why that might make you uncomfortable".
"No it's not that!" exclaims the man, "No! When I get to work I get about an hour to organise myself before my secretary comes in. She drags me into the stationery cupboard and makes love to me there."
"Are you worried about all these women then?" asked the puzzled practitioner.
"Just listen!" commands our man, "At lunchtime, my boss take me out to lunch. See buys me a sandwich and the forces me into the toilets where she proceeds to take advantage of my manhood in every way she can."
"Well, this all sounds very uncomfortable to me, " proffers the doctor, "perhaps I could put you in touch with a solicitor to start an industrial tribunal".
"No! That's not what I want at all!" shrieks the chap.
"Well, what then?"
"After lunch my secretary detains me until 5:30 or until she is satisfied - whichever is the later. On the train home I see the young girl again. I'm pressed into more regular service that Connex South Central!
When I stagger to my bus, I'm dragged onto the top deck by my neighbour. She proceeds to work me like a mule until we arrive home. I walk into my house only to be prevailed upon by wife again!"
"Erm... I'm a bit baffled." says the doctor, "What exactly is your problem?"


"It hurts when I have a w*nk."

Tech Support  

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

    13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
 

Looks vaguely familiar  ???

Enjoy the joke!
 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the  perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

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Answer:

The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have  been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

*** Men Keep scrolling



































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!

Young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man  answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home.

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
 
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
 
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
 
The Aussie said "One."
 
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."
 
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
 
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power  Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him  down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
 
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.

If Men wrote Cosmopolitan Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

How to be a MAN
Oh so true!

 

 

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her

hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She

didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even

saying it to kids makes you the man

 

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A

Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning

 

the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?

Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't

whittle.

 

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,

lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge

pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.

 

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging

your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.

Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

 

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir

paint with.

 

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but

even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been

partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence

of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it

look like.

 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes

for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need

or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!

Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It

doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed.

However,the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,

apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast

man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little

changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with

any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying

the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,

we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it

is then.Seven. Seeya."

 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can

Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,

technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have

toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can

stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the

beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if

you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

haemorrhage".

 

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For

that? Are you mad, bint?"

 

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says

that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

 

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the

shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you

while you were in hospital".

Robbo can't be the last one on this....

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Potentially vs realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned".

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that".

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity".

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically"?

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers".

The father replied "That's my boy."

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang. "Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!" "Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team." "Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers." Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked. "Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied. Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke." "I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday." "Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back" Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off." "I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam. "Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"

Very good Gilles, although I think I might have heard that one before  ;D

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
   counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
   I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter says,
   "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
   who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
   You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
   Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
   to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
   above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says,
   "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

No more nails - it does what it says on the tin.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What' s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of  strangely ( she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks  what
brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. "

The pharmacist fainted.

Get your toasting fork ready Nordic cause your gonna burn in hell. But it is very funny.

This is a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some building workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
 A young family moved into a house next to a vacant plot. One day a constuction crew turned up to build a house on the vacant plot. The young families 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her ,let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and they even gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important. At the end of the week they presented her with her own pay packet cotaining £5.
 The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate of admiration and suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and ask the little girl how she had come accross her very own pay packet at such a young age.
 The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house"
 "My goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week ?"
 The little girl replied " I will if those useless ****s at B&Q ever bring us the ****ing plasterboard.




LOL but more stars next time please Bob! smokie

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter,
  decided they should go to college so they could get
 ahead.
 
 Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him
 to take Math, History, and Logic.
 
 "What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
 
 "Well, let me give you an example," said the
 professor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
 
 "Sure do," the redneck responded.
 
 "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a
 yard," the professor went on.
 
 "That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
 
 "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you
  also have a house. Is that right?"
 
 "GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
 
 "And since you own a house and a house is tough to
 take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you
 have a wife. Right?"
 
 "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching
 on now.
 
 "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can
 assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual.
 Is that right?"
 
 "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most
 fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
 take this here logic  class!"
 
 Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him,
 walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still
 waiting. "So what classes are  ya takin"? Cooter
 asks.
 
 "Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
 
 "What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
 
 "Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you
 own a weed-eater?"
 
 "No." says Cooter.
 
 "You're Queer, aintcha?"

 ??? ??? ???

Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Cherie "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Winston Churchill's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Winston told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Tony's clock?" asked Cherie

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

"Old" is when . . .

-Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
-A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
-You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
-Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
-"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
-An "All nighter" means not getting up to pee!

A Jelly Baby walks into a pub and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading for that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate I'm a soft centre I always end up getting my head kicked in". So Smartie says "Don,t worry about it I'm a hard case I'll look after you". Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you look after me" and of they go.
After a few more beers in the club three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them Smartie hides under a table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls up his battered jelly body over to the table and wipes up his jelly blood turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me"
"I was" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol

This isn't a joke but I didn't think it merited a new thread of its own...

http://korwww.free.fr/stationessence_feu.avi

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He
swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

DB (Aka Paddy)

LOL  ;D ;D ;D

'kin ace Del Boy

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied " Put them between your legs. Your body heat will soon warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up .
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied "Put them between my legs my body heat will soon warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was againin the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied Put it between my legs the warmth of my body will soon warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day he was again riding with the daughter and said "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her " Have you ever heard of a penis ?" Slightly concerned the mother said " Why, yes, why do you ask?" The daughter replies "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost don't they?"

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

Women eh? Botox, boob jobs, face lifts, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed and they won't take it up the arse cos they say it HURTS!

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that
were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.  The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.  (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.

A touch cruel

Sorry Bob, due to my blackened cajun sense of humour, Superman gets the nod from me.

Sick Nordic, but ironic no the less.

I got a great deal on eBay!!!!  An electric whhelchair and a red cape for a tenner!!!!!!!   :-\ :-[

The First Affair:

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they

made passionate love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00

PM As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!  You've been playing golf!"

 

 

=============================================

The Second Affair:

 

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

 

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father

rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was

horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

 

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

 

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

 

 

=============================================

The Third Affair:

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he

examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you

off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has

to be saved for posterity."

 

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's

member.

 

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first

person he showed it to was his wife.

 

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and

opened up his briefcase.

 

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

=============================================

 

The Fourth Affair:

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly

rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're

a statue"

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one

for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was

said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

 

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the

kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the statue, " Eat something. I stood like an idiot

at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

=============================================

The Fifth Affair:

 

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks

for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

 

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu

and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a

fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to

real money."

 

"How much money?" inquires the man.

 

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

 

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"

 

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

 

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

 

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

 

=============================================

The Sixth Affair:

 

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips

began to move slightly.

 

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

 

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

 

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

something that I must confess."

 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's

all right, go to sleep."

 

"No, no I must die in peace. Becky I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend and your mother!"

 

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father sat him  down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed  them to your mother, and said, Here honey, try these on.
 
So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too  big, I can't wear them.

So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and  I always will. Ever since that night we have never had  any problems.

"Hmmm, "  says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try..So,on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here  babe, try these on. " So she does and says, "These are  too large,they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "  ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don 't want you to ever forget that.

"Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you  try on mine. " So he does and says,
" There 's no way I  can get into your knickers. " So Jill says, "...exactly.  
And if you don't change your f****g attitude, you never will."

The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.
 
The teacher called on James to start things off.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/1.jpg)


James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/2.jpg)

Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/3.jpg)

Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/4.jpg)

Jerry returned to his seat.

Kim was called to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/5.jpg)

Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/6.jpg)

Little Johnny had done it again.

Little Johnny does it every time

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.
 
 
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
 
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
 
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
(or Britney Spears)

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.
 
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
 
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the "Gary"!

OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

 ;D

Mr Rick, it's very funny and original. I think we've all been to weddings like that!

MEN'S NAMES

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute but a liar and a cheater.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Ashley - w**k*r who's losing his hair.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bert - looks like he has been pulled through a hedge backwards and chews with his mouth open.
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny... he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christopher - soppy and too clingy to make a relationship last. Spends most of his life drunk and kisses like a washing machine.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, full of his self.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - the lights on but no ones at home.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - sweetest guy in the world,soft and gentle but good in bed! hes a keeper!!!!!!
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a w**k*r.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Ewan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different"
Fred - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - dreams about mud wrestling girls. drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves, treats girls like s*** also a w**k*r.
Gibberish - likes a pint but is exasperated with the behaviour of others.
Glen - the sweetest guy
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry - has back hair.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Henry - has gay like movements frequently. likes to run every where. would screw welli boots.
Howard - likes small breasts
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
JPChenet - A drunkard and a pornographer par excellence
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.
Jason - big headed. never fails to grab the girls attention, full of bullshit.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jon - countless two timer and bully.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kane - an absolute and complete arsehole.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends. Also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - an idiot, who can't spell. would do anything for sex.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - likes drink and is full of s***.
Mathew - has less brains than a donkey does in one of it's hoofs. Thinks constantly about porn.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Morgan - the only thing that is big is his ego.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - the f^$king greatest in the world, everyone loves this guy... no faults at all.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Ron - spends most of his time looking at the base of his spine, when his head is up his own arse.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - tall with sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - not very nice, lies to pick faults (changed now)
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks bollocks.
Smokie - tolerant, likes to fall asleep in a deck chair with a beer.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Teddy - great friend, crap boyfriend. clowns have been known to look more stylish.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - extremely arrogant.
Tommy - no
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around, prefers getting done up the arse
Travis - fat and horny with the best Whats in a name... collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - tall, dark and handsom. ie when it's dark, he is handsom and tall.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zack - thinks he is superman. great in bed due to ego.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.


Sorry there's no Hansgerd, Gilles or Werner.

Why ANDY is not in that list ????

Very funny, but not as funny as the sellers fee he will have to dodge as the bidding is now up to £10,000,000!!!!!   ;D

I resemble that remark  :'(

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H

A quick shufty on the Berghaus website came up with these little beaties. It says:

Extrem Light Tight Pants
New for Summer 2004. Lightweight, stretch tight giving great wicking performance and a quick dry time. The brushed back to the fabric make these an ideal warmth layer.

Well, what more could you ask for H? Just make sure you get your back brushed first or your wicking performance and drying time will be compromised.

Better than WD40 ;D

The reference for Gibberish is spot on  ;D

OK, so I'm not popular or funny. I can live with that.  :P

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.

But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admirals uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed HMS Appeasement!

Nelson ? Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

Hardy ? Aye Aye Sir

N ? Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.

H ? Sorry Sir.

N ? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

H ? Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist

N ?Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H ? Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

N ? In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

H ? The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It?s a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.

N ? Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

H ? I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

N ? Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please!

H ? That won?t be possible Sir.

N ? What?

H ? Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N ? Then get the ships? carpenter without delay, hardy.

H ? Unfortunately he?s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral.

N ? Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd.

H ? Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

N ? Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

H ? Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N ?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H ? A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won?t let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don?t want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts?

N ? I?ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H ? The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N ? What? This is mutiny.

H ? It?s not that Sir, It?s just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N ? Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?

H ? Actually Sir, we?re not!

N ? We?re not?

H ? No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N ? But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H ? I wouldn?t let the ship?s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.

N ? But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

H ? Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it?s the rules.

N ? Don?t tell me ? Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

H ? As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.

N ? What about sodomy?

H ? I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.

N ? Thank God for that ? In that case - kiss me Hardy!

Just follow the link and play the movie :D

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/this_land_af?mid=1

This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up
to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.

LMAO!!!!!   :D

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs  up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
 
Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
 
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...  "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
 
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

Mark, Mark, Mark...................Really not quite up to scratch old boy.

One for Mr. Brown I think....

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95


BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision


BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.


US NAVY: This is the captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.


BRITISH: Negative i say again divert your course.


US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITES STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU  CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off

Yup, true story.

(http://webhome.idirect.com/~rtcind/capricorn/lighthouse7.gif)

Hope this attachment works.

This ain't no joke guys!!!!!!

Hey folks, christmas is coming and this puts a whole new perspective on nutcrackers.  After you view this, just think about the possibilities. :P :P :P
http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=13654&version=2&type=coolad

Brings a tear to the eye  :'(

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EDINBURGH FRINGE


First dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...  Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
 Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
 
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
 Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
 Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
 Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
 
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"    And   you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ....
Self-raising?"
 Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
 
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
 Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
 
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
 Jimmy Carr
 
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
 Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
 
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
 Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
 
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
 Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
 
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
 Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
 
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
 Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
 
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
 Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
 
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
 Steven Alan Green at C34
 
Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.
 Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
 
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"
 Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of cake.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
 Arnold Brown at The Stand
 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.  They're trained
for that.
 Milton Jones at the Underbelly
 
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed."  I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
 Arnold Brown at The Stand

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my
husband."

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe so the barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.  "One more
chance"says the barmaid.

"Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts
and lick the sweat off" she says.

"'ll kill him, where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"And then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the
telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..."

Frequently Asked Questions at the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called, a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A far less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, all of Wales and
most areas of Western Sydney

From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antoniocity park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

A woman took a very limp duck to a veterinary surgery. As she lay her peton the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry but your pet has passed away"
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"
"Yes I am sure the duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure" she protested "You havn't done any tests on him or anything, he might just be in a coma"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the ducks owner looked on in amazment, the dog stood on it's hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed he duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook hishead. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the duck from beak to tail and back again. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook it's head, meowed softly jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm soory, but as I said this is a most definitly, 100% certifiably a dead duck"
He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the wpman.
The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill
"£150" she said "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been £20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Brilliant Smokie.  I was howling at the end.  Funniest thing I've read in ages.

A large woman walked into a bar with a sleeveless dress in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she  pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy  a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at  the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter  and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got  to be a ballerina."

Nice one Nordic!  Here's one.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

You'll have seen these before - I have - but they still make me chuckle...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Another one ona Legal theme-

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....  

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for  contempt."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "The horse doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

Not a joke but made me laugh none the less!

DOUGLAS THE CRAB
----------------

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic olivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.






There was a deadly hush..................................









For quite a while...........................









Finally, the crab spoke.......
















"f**k, I'm pissed."

Brilliant Steve. I was just about to pack up and go home but checked the joke thread first and that one has  set me up for the weekend. ;D

Bloody French drivers!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/carincident.jpg)

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly
gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolise?"



The man replied, "They're Carols"

Happiest day of my life.












Walking down the aisle.











Towards my wife.











Everyone smiling.











The vicar said a few nice words.











I kissed my wife.











And then closed the coffin!

Subject: Cowboy and Lesbian


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
 the  Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the Kwik Save car
   park, I noticed that I was missing the ticket which I would need
 to
get
  out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps
 to the supermarket entrance.

 As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The  
 crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.

He was  short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged fannel shirt  to protect him from the cold evening's chill.

He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he  had  got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me  his sad story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven  years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped  off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy
grabbed  two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?

 The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

 The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

 I  realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.

               Witness Search


Good Day to you all,

This is a call for anyone who may have witnessed the following:
 
Yesterday, at about 14:00 all of my wheels were stolen and replaced with bricks during the period that I was out of the office having a coffee (from 10:00 to 16:00).

I am well behind in my work and now I have to waste my time with these stupidities and on top of it all I will be fired from my job!!!

If anyone of you, my dear friends, has seen anything, please let me know.
I could even go as far as offering a reward to whoever helps me.

Anticipated thanks.

PS. Here is a photo taken at the scene of the crime(theft with irritating consequences).

Once again, good day to you all.













.

I know that a lot of you quite like the firework experience whilst away for the weekend, but the attached piccys demonstrate why you should not mess around with fireworks.

Or at the very least do not allow children or Germans (it is they in the pictures) to play with them!!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum1.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum2.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum3.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum4.jpg)

It's a wonderful stunt and no mistake. Wonder how long til he could sit down again? The plastic surgeon probably had to take a skin graft off of his face to stick on his arse, which is somewhat ironic. :-[

Let that be a lesson: Never return to a lit German.  ;D :D

But really, what a prize twit!

"Stupid" and "the C word" come to mind  ::)

Actually, on a serious note, that top mole looks a bit iffy.

I would seriously recommend that he have that checked out in case it turns out to be malignant!  ;D

At first glance of pic #1, I thought, "Hmm, trouble brewing...." - then I thought, "Wait a minute, that looks like Jaques Villeneuve...."
The subsequent shots just go to prove that alcohol and kids don't mix.
Kinda puts Harry's 'Firey Jack' story in perspective. The quantities of phosphorus (a key ingredient of napalm) in the firework mix look like it's done the job, regarding the deep tissue burns.
That must have been f**k*ng agonising. All three arseholes concerned, need a damn good kicking.

I'm curious, how sh*t-faced you have to be before firing a bottle rocket from your rectum sounds like a good idea?  No doubt Steve...The term dumb-f**k pretty well hits it on the screws.
John

I wonder what the bottle was used for in the first pic?
And then he endured some water sports in the final one :o

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.  Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad.  "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a  quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked  and  disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a  huff.
Cheney  leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced  'quiche'".

Breaking News ...........

The Palestinians are going to replace Arafat with his brother Marrowfat who knows all about the peas process.

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing
through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a
stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation
falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his
boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no
plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
”Once, my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
“Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you
suppose that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth
and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
“That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!”

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.

I always wondered why we do that. Obviouse really now you have explained it.

Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury
fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings
account certificate for 5 million For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to
the Country Club... takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

From another unreliable source.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never
been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming
winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.  "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy

Sven-Goran Eriksson spots a turd in the England changing room.

"Who's sh*t on the floor?" he asks.

"Me Boss!" cries Emile Heskey, "But I'm not bad in the air!"

A housewife opened her door to give the postman his Christmas treat.
"Come on in" she said. Then she led him upstairs where she undressed him, then herself and made love to him. Afterwards, she made him a cup of
tea
and handed him a £5 note.

"This is a very unusual Christmas present" he stuttered.
"Actually, it was my husbands idea" she said " I wanted to give you £50.

But my husband said:` Fifty quid? No way. F*** the postman, give him a cup of tea and a fiver instead`"

Usefull!

Subject: FW: Fw: letters to the Editor


 COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley




HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
 multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used
it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once
again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they?
Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this
turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series

of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach


IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true.
'Absence makes the heart
grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score

place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield


I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten
years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be
punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that
most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail


 Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering
on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.
Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail


With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw
*at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
 Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit  the pan?
 Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

 I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
 with Jenny.
 She is a great sh * g. Thanks again.
 Baz, Bondi

 Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
 with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
 Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
 their splendid sense of humour.
 Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
 Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
 climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars.
 T Barnham, London

Subject: Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think
at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
buy marijuana, press the hash key..."  

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."  

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.  

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."  

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.  

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".  

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.  

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head.  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to
put on it."  

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No,
because he's really heavy"  

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.  

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.  

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat
bast**d!"  

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.  

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."  

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"  

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night  

http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/queen.htm

Turn the speakers up.

This is so funny it boggles your mind.

You have to keep on trying this to see if you can out smart your right foot.

Certainly one to try late in the poo bar!!!


1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot changes direction.

 :o

Elton jhon goes to a tattoo shop .I want a rolls royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make that a Land rover the amount of sh*t it has to go through !!!!


what do you call a couple that like fishing ??????  Rod and Annette

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

 
.....I love the next part....








"Only when he's been drinking."

 

Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period?

If so encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles
again in the evening...


By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away..........

I'm not sure if this is a joke or not, but I had this sent to me by a girl I know. It's one of those pesky chain letter thingys and I normally trash them on reciept or write back to the sender ( and it's always females who peddle this crap) telling them to get a grip and stop being so soft headed. However, whilst I hate swimming, don't suffer from dermatitis and have no intention of kissing my dentist, I really don't want my genitals to fall off. What should I do and does anyone require me to send it to them?

God spare me from the Hot Sex Fairy.

See below:

Nyechi
>>
>>
>>
>>       1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
>>make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
>>shine and skin smooth.
>>       ============
>>       2. Gentle,   relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
>>dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat   produced cleanses the
>>pores and makes your skin glow.
>>       =============
>>       3.  Lovemaking   can burn up those calories you piled on during
>>that romantic dinner.
>>       =============
>>       4.  Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up, unless it involves BigH. It stretches
>>   and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
>>than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
>>       =============
>>       5.   Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.   It releases
>>endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria   and
>>leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
>>       =============
>>       6.    The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
>>sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
>>pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
>>       =============
>>       7.    Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES
>>MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
>>       =============
>>       8.     Kissing   each day will keep the dentist away.   Kiss ing
>>encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the
>>acid  that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
>>       =============
>>       9.     Sex   actually relieves headaches.   A lovemaking session
>>can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
>>       =============
>>       10.   A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.   Sex is a
>>natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and ha y fever.
>>       =============
>>       This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
>>original  is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has
>>been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The
>>"Hot  Sex Fairy"   will visit you within four days of receiving this
>>message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
>>
>>       If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the
>>rest  of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals
>>  will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think
>>need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals
>>has no price.
>>
>>       Do not keep this message. This message must leave your  e-mail in
>>96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
>>
>>       Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true,
>>even if you are not superstitious.
>>

The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.





THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

The BBC and ITV news channels show up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his
comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, the Greens and the Liberals demonstrate
in front of the ant's house.

The BBC, interrupting a Travellers' cultural festival special from
Stonehenge with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."

David Blunkett rants in an interview with David Frost that the ant has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

The Blair Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer.

It is quickly passed through Parliament.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to India, and starts a successful call centre for
British banks.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the
government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Neil Kinnock is appointed to
head a commission of inquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mail blames
it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of Albanian spiders,
praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.

Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
     a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
     b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
     c. After wrecking your boss' car.
     d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
     e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.  If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
      a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
      b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
      c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this
problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager
for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do
you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the
reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the
office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his BSc (Hons).  He was smart,
handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man
the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to
his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear Contact lenses,
don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly
observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The
young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,
it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"


This dude decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come

as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens

the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V

painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant,

come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow,

great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm

tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and

the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both

doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like

that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come

in despair"

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....

- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there -

on the couch -









naked.

good one!  LOL ;D

Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

 ;D ;D