Club Arnage

After winning the lottery last week I have been lucky enough to buy a one owner from new gold H plate chavalier for £250.
As I work in Portsmouth I need the car to fit in with the locals.... any tips???

Huge racing spoiler from halfords,bolt on exhaust trim,chrome look wheel trims and a stick on bonnet vent and you should be sorted  ;D

Vinyl roof, flames on the front arches to disguise the rust, 3 alloys and a space saver, black bin bag over the passenger rear window, tons of kenwood stickers, a hole smashed in the silencer (s?) with a mash hammer, blue light washer jets, twin headlamp conversions done with gaffa tape. Questionable sun strip, and wobbly hand painted GT40 stripes.

And a CA sticker, so everyone who matters knows you're taking the piss.

And the air box missing to make it sound "powerful"

Very essential:-

(http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa64/jjkt15/logo1.gif)

Plus a few minature shirts in the back window.  Kanu, James etc.

You seem to know alot about this... did I see you in an Astra GTE matching most of the above this afternoon.... Perhaps not as this one had a massive but badly fitting sound system, so everything rattled as it cruised past with driver with baseball cap at a jaunty angle smoking a big roll up cigarette. Class!

Nope. I'm from the arse end of west Cumbria, but I have spent a while on the south coast, and it struck me that some of the 'cultures' are similar.

I was thinking about a gargantuan set of bass bins, but usually the kenwood stickers make up for the lack of a genuine sound system.

Are there loads of council diamonds under the drivers seat? (Remnants of a window that lost a fight with half a brick?)

Hey you guys forgot the two blue washer jet lights ;D

Luckily my Chav has spent all its life with one old dude in Burley in the New forest so has not suffered the things that happen in areas of "culture". Sure if it had come from pompey it would be a different story... diamonds, bass bins, "Rockford Fosgate" stickers (is that gear still cool/stealable?) and the like. I will however be avoiding the blue LED washer jets that have been mentioned a couple of times.... I think they will mesmorise the Deer I meet in the drive most nights even more than the headlights do... dont want to dent the old girl do I!!

Hey you have just got to have a shopping list down each door  ;D ;D ;D

You can do what you want to the car but you'll never get the look right unless you have that slightly inbred runt look with a good smattering of acne. Dress is important too- think track suit, big white trainers and a cap placed above the head- not quite on it. Very important that one. You will also need to spit constantly, 'tap' fags and have one hand permanently down the front of tracksuit bottoms. To finish off you need a bottle blond bird who would not look out of place on Jeremy Kyle.
 Result!

I think you'll fine that hand down front of tracksuit is now passe.
This years look demands hand up tracksuit top feeling gut. Please remember to touch knuckles when greeting others and incorperate a rythmic limp when walking. Never walk fast except from the scene of a crash and make sure you have no MOT or insurance on the car.
It goes without saying that you won't tell DVLA that you are the new owner.
Gold jewellery (hopefully knocked off) both on the body and in the mouth are de riguer.
Remember that the car boot sale is your friend.

Quality thread but don't forget the ultimate finishing touch

http://tinyurl.com/2tah9r

It's even got a St George symbol on it so you can "stamp" people when you punch them

QUALITY BLING ;D
Is it available in all branches or do I have to specially order it.

With all of this attention to detail over the appearance of the car and the occupant, don't forget that the "lived-in" look inside the car is just as important. 

Think empty fag packets, lighters, pop bottles, tins of red bull, crisp packets and Mcdonalds packaging.  Loose selection of CDs (no cases) scattered around.  Fag burns on the upholstery.  Loose wires dangling from under dashboard in vicinity of ignition key barrel.  Screwdriver. 

MG Mark   

Got to get one of these

(http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/bre0078l.jpg)

Why - to overcome the noise of your rumbling diff?  I would have thought that a "Thunka Thunka Thunka" CD would be better.......

MG Mark

Oh and as well as all of those essential exterior/interior car and lifestyle accessories and clothing,  there is, of course, the need to possess another car orf the same generic model.  This needs to be in a burnt out or partially dismantled state, preferably jacked up up on bricks at the roadside, adjacent to your house....

MG Mark 

 :) So glad that the Chavalier has amused people and prompted so many replies. will post a pic once I have carried out all the suggested mods. just need to get my next Giro through, smack the various teenage girls with my kids about, rob the local KFC and sell some gear to kids in the local skate park.

She is shaking in fear as she is in for the dreaded MOT on Saturday :(
Friday night will be long and horrid as she is up on the ramps for a set of shocks and some rust hiding work.
Wish me luck!

At least she had the honour of gracing the drive of Zarse Towers last night, sleeping with The Mighty Commer, Subaru and Steve Z's racing Bora.
Following Steve from Chichester was interesting... Drive it like you stole it springs to mind >:D

Andy, Cheers for the B&B and evening entertainment in your local....Chris really is as much of a **** in normal life as he is at LM ;D

 I have never felt so well the morning after 10 pints and made it to my meeting on time (the usual waste of time, but attendance is all that matters!)

I will keep you all updated as I know how interested everyone is in the preservation of sh1tty old repmobiles.

PP

Ha! Marvellous to see you Rex. Yes, we did have quite a bit to drink. Not normally my thing on a school night, but needs must I suppose. Correct, Chris was on form, and he really is horrible isn't he?

The Chav was a welcome addition to the eclectic band of vehicles that have graced the drive of The Towers over the years. Hope the MoT goes well, I find fifty notes left "resting" in the ashtray ensures a blind eye turned to various "issues".

See you soon,
Andy.

Rex, 

Have you and your can of spray paint been at Royal Birkdale today? 

This from the live text commentary:

1258: Els misses a long par putt at the 15th to drop back to seven over. The South African looks like he's returned to his car and found someone has sprayed a phallus on it.

;D ;D ;D

Dx

How about this ;D

If she gets to birthday 35 like the Purple Peril, it will show the level of TLC you have shown her.

Good Luck mate.

Leftie

Yes, good luck from oop north. Prepare well and it should be a breeze.
 S

You seriously think it's going to last another seveteen years?  ??? Have you ever heard it start in a morning? :o

Well, we know the cambelt can pop at regular intervals without threatening the integrity of the motor, and it's not completely perforated yet.

And it's gold with pink penises on it, so no one will pinch it.

And I'm fairly sure even I couldn't burn it down with all he dangerous cack I buy off ebay.

And Rex, being a lord, is certain to have a heated garage with flunkeys bearing spilsorb for its nocturnal emmissions.

Spilsorb you say? That's the stuff that soaks up unwanted "emissions"? I've the Gimp staying soon. Where can one obtain such a product?

Cat litter is an easily available alternative.

And it's deodorising, which I imagine will come in very handy.

Boring...

>Martini...LB

PS Just watched Sunday nights Top Gear with the Alfa... wicked

Much as I deeply loved my old Cav, I doubt if they built even one that could last as long as my little Lara.

She were 42 this March you know

My old Cav XNA---X dissolved all around the floor to sidewall junctions and it fair broke my heart when the scrappy paid me a tenner for her some years ago

B*gger!

If I'd saved her 'til now I could have scored 200 notes for her off a little chinaman

 >:(

I've been in it, people may begin to think that it's a SKIP ;D

Good Luck tomorrow mate.

Congratulations to the Chavelier for behaving so well.

Excellent - shows that the car and the tester have soul.  Another one kept on the road for posterity. 

Just need to persuade that infidel Zarse to keep the blessed Commer.....

MG Mark

Well bloody done mate

the wad in the ashtray trick worked then?  >:D >:D :o

 ;D ;D ;D

great another year of shame for me.....i am a very shallow person, i just wish rex would get something nice, a little aston or prehaps that new alfa that was on top gear a few weeks back.....at least the chav is better than the skanky old jetta he seduced me with.... ;)

What, Bridget?

Shallow?

You?

Never!

"I do not believe it"

you are just trying to wind the lad up for evil and arcane purposes of your own



Keep us informed wont you... >:D

Claire, before the car upgrade, someone needs to update the drive so it reflects the spender of the surroundings.

Lady PP has such a way with words, My Jetta was heaven on wheels, she couldn't even find the stereo the first time we went out in it!
 ;D

You do need something with a very large footwell so that she can build her nest Rex. Imagine all that crap in an Aston  ;D  !!!!

If I ever have an Aston it will be kept in the same manner as all my vehicles.. >:D

I hope I dont post in haste but the Chavaliers days are numbered.
Pig Pen Racing has a new flagship vehicle that should have been taking me to work tomorrow but we have been thwarted by a faulty crankshaft oil seal that came with the car, hence not the usual couple of spares usually bought for such a job.
Gutted...
I will break the suspense for all those who didnt get told on friday (or even care!) at the beer fest, its not the Roller that Leftie suggested or an AM Lagonda >:D

Kev will like it...

Its a Vectra SRI 2.5 V6 24V, V plate, Black with Black Leather, FSH, loads of old MOT's, mileage tallies at 106k, new downpipes and cat, stainless back box, all new disks and pads, fully serviced, all books, tools and key code card!

Just needs said oil seal and cam belt, which was meant to be done this evening....

Seller paid £1500 and has spent loads on all the above.

I paid £400.....

I think I got a bargain.... and it has 4 new tires... and has been fully valeted.

Oh and its got an Irmscher (?) mesh grill which will be sprayed PP Racing Fluro pink... and she needs a name.

Suggestions?

Finally... There will be no dancing, spitting, weeing, drawing or other unruly acts on her at LM next year... she will be towing the PPR Caravan >:D

you cant paint the Irmi grill pink Rex  :'( sell it for good money and get a standard one ;) TBH you got a bloody good bargain as the engine and box is worth £400 easy on there own  :o and low milage for them aswell!

Cam seals and belts on them are a pain as theres 2 - being a v6 and all that. fancy selling it me for £500  :laugh:

Kev

shut up!!!

dont go telling him values or such

Now then Rex

when the body rots away next week (month!) I'll have that engine off you, just to keep that there wooded enclave totally tidy you understand...

then it can come and live in my house with Lara

in fact it might even be tempted to come and live inside Lara's scruffy little engine bay and turn her into a reet sleepin' track day car along with my nice little 5 speed gearbox...

So Kev

keep shtumm please lad!

All of which apart

sounds rather sound Rex

well bargained


Caravan?

did you say caravan?

what is the world coming to?

I bet you have even stopped shaving the bulk of your body hair off too!

Caravan? Got a nice green cardigan with leather plaited buttons too, to go with it?


 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D

 ;D ;D

[/quote]you cant paint the Irmi grill pink Rex  :'( sell it for good money and get a standard one ;) TBH you got a bloody good bargain as the engine and box is worth £400 easy on there own  :o and low milage for them aswell!

Cam seals and belts on them are a pain as theres 2 - being a v6 and all that. fancy selling it me for £500  :laugh:
[/quote]

Kev... its got 4 Cams and a belt that would go round you thrice, its not for sale, well not for £500 and the "Irmi" grille will be fluro pink, did you not clap eyes on the Black DB9 opposite Camp Brethren with a pink snout? it looked sweet!

All will be revealed soon once oily hands are washed and the sun is shining, oh and I wont spend a day cleaning it, possibly not even half an hour.

All this nonsense about caravans and getting old.... remember, I am Pig Pen of The Brethren, Its a one way trip for the caravan and it will be carrying musical delights. Neither will return to Blighty and I hope Pyro Brown is about on Sunday night next year >:D

In honour of our Dutch comrades it should be known as Vinnie's Vectra.

why dont you get a calibra / cav V6 stick a set of 3 litre cams and pistons in it then it will have more bhp and torque than the vectra v6 would know what to do with - plus its cheaper again ;)


you mean this Rex -

(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a74/kev_mk3/Lemans%20Ring%2008/Picture082.jpg)

sure was sext but still not sure untill i see it done  ::)

Oh Kev... FFS... its cost £500 tops and will be more than fast enough.

Seals and belts done without any aggro, fiddly but not that bad.

Why on earth would I want a Calibra.... do I look like a bender ;) and besides, they were sh*t and rusted like a Datsun by the seaside.

Like the pic of the Aston... were you sneaking around our site while we were away.
Someone stole some of Lady PP's undies... and now we know who it was >:(

Private Tray Boy has an official pardon.

i meant the engine from the calibra  :laugh:

i might of borrowed them off Lady pp  :P

knickers??

They were surely only on the washing line for show?  Lady PP doesn't WEAR knickers... >:D... allegedly

Ah well err

Brad I am sworn to secrecy on that subject

Bridget was VERY insistant I'm afraid

If I did publish I WOULD BE DAMNED

Sort of sorry!

ish!

How can a thread about a Cavalier/Vectra slide into a discussion about Lady PP's knickers ;D
Anyway, test run has taken place and its smiles all round.

I think I remember saying the Cav was the best heap I had owned for years, but the Vecky is in Chav heaven league.

As before, I welcome suggestions to enhance its looks and performance.
Remember its Black and will have a pink grille soon, so no stupid stuff please ;)

Oh, and Kev... Lady PP's undies dont suit you, please remove the pics from facebook >:D

What, and I'll repeat that, What in the name of beelzebub's buttocks is going on here? I go on holiday and my furry forest friend buys a Vectra  ??? Have you been hanging out with Smokie?

You might as well move to Thorney Hill now. I suppose the one consolation is the pink grill but it's no Chavalier is it.

Good to see you're still up at 3am on a school night though, I miss those nights  ;D

And Kev, I will need full details of the lady in your Avatar. I think I love her.

I ought to stick up for my Veccy but I won't. It's a harsh ride for a top of the range motor and it's a guzzler. Mind you, it went up to an indicated 145+ quite readily when I went to the 'Ring the other week. At about 7mpg...

I'm sure LPPs new motor will give him hours of pleasure...and hopefully us too!!

Now that's a very nice suggestion. :)

Rosie Webster in Corrie;)

Dear Boy... Nothing will replace the CHAVALIER, One of the finest heaps of sh*te to ever grace the highways and lanes of the UK and France.
Her final mission is Goodwood...
As she departs to a new life I think she may well raise a middle finger to all those that doubted her capability.
36k miles on a £250 car in a year is VFM to me... I spent under £300 on her, had a cam belt snap and split the sump on a rock and she's still rocking.
She will be attending Goodwood tomorrow and retired on Monday when her bigger fatter black sister takes over.

This may be a very sad thing to say.... but....I will miss her, we had lots of adventures, scrapes, twat moments, hero moments and she was a Brethren Mascot last June, taking roof dancing and other abuse in her stride.

Ask Steve Z about the tire smoke last weekend ;D

The Veccy has a massive reputation to live up to.....  >:D
PP
Oh.. thats not Kevs bird in the avatar... His is Ginger.... ;)

Has she been invited to the Z party?..
PP

The Black Pig is on the drive...
It has an angry look about it, almost sinister... I dont think it likes me.

It will be taught a firm lesson in the morning if its naughty.. I have to be in Winchester for 8.15 so will be full of hate.

Best it not test me...

I think its evil because I found out tonite that its shiny black coat is new... the seller had it resprayed a few weeks ago... makes it even more of a bargain :laugh:

Even if it turns out to be rubbish, the bits and the shell have to be worth double what I paid... I know its listening... I think its actually moved from where I left it. >:D

OK - so where arre the pics then?

Long way for me to come and nick    look at it  ;D

Just thought something - it could be Kev's get away car!

Pics will be posted soon, was dark when i got it home and it needs a wash... Its only one!
Do you know something about Kev that we dont?  Get away car... is it him thats been robbing McDonalds down my way during the nights?
If it is, he can buy his own get away car, they got £24K last time... McRobbing at its finest! Perhaps it was Hamburgular!! :laugh:

First day test report.
The Vecky has been good to me and not guzzled too much fuel... ish

Tracking is out and some minor electrical things dont perform, the yellow engine symbol winks occaisionally, but so did the cav's and it hasn't kicked in to "home safe" mode... yet.
Mate has a Solus and has all the training so we can hook her up and do a full diagnostic so its not an issue!

Also means we can tinker with the ECU and the rest so..... >:D

And it gets down the lane without scraping. Result! Ally sump wont be so easy to bodge as it was on the cav but I will still have a sump and cat guard made and fitted by my mate.

All good so far ;D

You wanted pics... well her you go.
She's a 'kin beauty.
Model Princess Alex of Warsaw is a Vectra fan and will be joining Pig Pen Racing and The Brethren at LM next year. Lady PP and Princess Alex have plans for outfits that will old mens eyes water..

They also love Kev............................................................. >:D

and i love them Rex  :-[

I was expecting a comment about my shiny black Vecky..... 8)

Vectra? where?  ???

lets hope so  ;)

Rex ma boy

A Vectra's a Vectra

A chick isnt

contest?

No

Err why Lady PP hiding then?

Bill... you will be pleased to know that Princess Alex will be at LM next June..... even more scope for dirty pics!
Yes... its a Vectra but its £400 of fun. I cant wait till the A31 is empty tomorrow lunchtime after I have dropped Lady PP at work. Time to let her stretch her legs now I am used to it. Oh, and contary to popular opinion its not that much of a guzzler... unless you get toey! >:D

 :) :) :)

te hee

must be knicker envy

Rex you astonish me (us!)

150 on the clock..... scared me ;D

vauxhall clocks read at least 5mph slower than your actually doing. Off the clock should be do able in your 167bhp Vectra ;)

On a private road / track of course, I'm sure you meant to add that  ;)

Told you it was scary, I forgot to add that it was on my friends private airfield ;)

I have sorted my Orientation out ;D

yeah, right.

The Vectra appears to be sympathetic to my current unemployed status. Its being very good on fuel.
Hopefully it will be prowling the streets of Wokingham soon... and towing a Caravan to LM in June next year ;D

It is....  I think I could have beaten the pikeys and the seagulls to the tip today.
The little turd in the Honda Accord  2.2 with a Halfords rear wing ran out of puff at 140....
I may have to sell the black slug as it seems to be a boy racer challenge machine and will cost me my license!
The Bell end in the 200SX with popping and farting fell foul on the long strait past Queen Vics road and I am ashamed of doing such things... but I got my wiring stuff for the stereo... for£3
So f**k them all...
PP

Wow - all these people you meet on your friends private airfield  ;)

Rex.

I know what you mean, it's not easy driving a quick car - people always want to race you, and it's almost like there's someone sitting on your shoulder egging you on. It's one of the reasons I changed cars a few years ago. Try debadging it, sticking a baby on board sticker on it, and running it on craphouse steel wheels (OR, transplant its guts into the chav for a real sleeper)

That sounds like a good excuse for a Friday night at The Plough or werever it was we went last time

The Three Frogs Bob. The Plough is now a Loch Fyne.

And what's Peter's describing is a bit like my motor - looks like a boring Veccie but goes the same as a GSRi (or whatever the other 3.2 is, with all the fins 'n' things)

Today some slug lipped anus in an Orion (!) tried baiting me.... it must be the badges, never had this in any other car... twats! >:D

de badge it rex honestly you wont get hassle as much then - i get in in mine all the time as its the GSI but i just potter along. cant be bothered using the PPPPPPOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEERRRRRR pedal.

De badging is not an option... and its not registered  to me, its still in some womans name who lives way north of the cattle grid! 8)

Lady PP has an interesting story to tell you all about the Chav... ;D

do tell

Claire will have to spill the beans....

point me in her direction Rex

The mighty Chavalier has finally gone to a new exciting home. She was sold this week for £40... after getting £20 for the steering lock and keys. £60 was a fine bounty, almost half the original purchase price.
Buyer has promised to send me pics of pre and post banger race action.

A fitting send off for a fine vehicle ;D

Vectra has a massive oil leak problem.... tomorrow will tell.... just hope its not cam oil seals.... but fear the worse :-\

PP

A fitting end as you say Rex. He didn't fancy the Stinky Bill roof mascot then?

He appeared to be a bit weird... he had no interest in the Stinky Bill roof roof mascot or the dancing TrayBoy version.

Some people are so peculiar!

God speed Chav, we loved you. Givvem hell on the cinder oval.  :angel: >:D

After a weekend of pampering my trusty Vecky V6 kicked me in the gentlemans area this morning. Bitch >:(
She spewed all her power steering juice out in the office carpark and sprayed £20 worth of power steering juice along her underbelly on the limp home...
Stuffing a V6 in a 4pot engine bay is all well and good but looks like its hours of work to find where the leak is as everything is hidden and it looks like the rad etc will have o come out >:(
She has been temporarily replaced by a (gulp) Pug 406 Diesel with a low mileage of 216K....
All is not bad in a way as if she has to come to bits then i might as well fix the hateful oil leak from the cam seals, do another cambelt and change the water pump while she has her lady part exposed.
Cars.... dont we just love them.... and this one I do... 19k since I bought her and £150 spent.. apart from oil... not bad for £400 and with all the options boxes ticked by the first owner.. A 'kin bargain.
She will be at LM in fine clothing...
PP

Rex

It's the same engine that is in the Omega. Even with more space it's still a bu**er to work on. Oil leaks from the cam covers are common and need new covers to fix (there is no gasket). To change the spark plugs and leads you need to remove manifolds which will be more difficult on the Veccy as the engine is turned sideways.

Its a pig of a job... I did 4 plugs on Saturday but the others are as you say tucked away under the inlet manifold... Its going to be in a lot of bits befoer it is better again.... Bloody Cars!

Whats your alternative mode of transport, the VW Camper?

A Diesel Pug 406 with 219k on the clock... its very comfy and rather different to the Vecky!

Better mpg as well I bet. - sad I know, but when you have a cherry picker that does 17mpg it all helps

Just a tad better on fuel!! Does anyone know what number fuse is the fag  lighter one on a 406? No clues in the cover and no handbook.

Pull all of them, if all pass it's the lighter element. Just go to accessory shop and buy a plug in.

It must be the lighter element, as 406s don't go wrong.  The socket could be full of debris, or the outer brass contacts need bending back.

If it isn't try F1, top left in the Passenger fusebox.  Its 10 amp

Checked earlier and there is no power to the socket... so will check F1 later. Cheers mate.

PP

Passenger fuse box being the one under the bonnet by the passenger wing with some relays, big fuses and normal fuses in it?
If thats the one then F01 is missing. Will swap another over and see what happens.... :)

No its under the glove box or steering wheel.  There's two? rows of fuses about 30 in all.

Thats one of the engine fuse box you're looking at

Look at fuse 23 too

I have found the one in the drivers footwell which is as you say 2 rows of about 30 but there are several missing... will check 23 though and 1... a process of elimination ;D

Don't worry about the gaps - it depends on the options.

It may have changed with the facelift.  F23 should be 20A. 

This fusebox has its own section in the Pug owners forum, urrrrm, like the Popemobile has in CA.

Looks like I owe Lorry a Beer or two on the Ferry. It was Number one that was missing nd all is now sorted.
Cheers mate.
The wonders of CA will never cease ;D
How do you know about all this anyway??

Is it because Lorry owns a Pug that keeps breaking down,

or

Lorry's a Automotive Electrian?

I used to have a 406 (4 trips to Le Mans) and it never ever went wrong, so I've got a mint Haynes Manual.   :D

I'd never had a car that didn't go wrong, so to see if my luck would hold, I bought a LandRover.  I had the RAC out 4 times in the first fortnight, then I bought the Haynes manual for it, and the black magic has been protecting it ever since.

I might be prepared to swap the Haynes manual for a conducted tour of the Popemobile at Blue Nord

Jesus H Corbett.  :o That, in itself, must be some sort of record.

I might be prepared to swap the Haynes manual for a conducted tour of the Popemobile at Blue Nord
[/quote]
That could be a deal... but.... I will buy you a beer this year. The Vecky will be on the boat in her special outfit... already booked in for the front end rip down, a weekends work over a month or so. Almost looking forward to it as the Pug is just not quite the same! But beers are yours... I can find my way at work... where did that map book go ::)