Club Arnage

Sitting here in that world famous beach bar and restaurant, The Bag Of Grapeshot, contemplating the miracle that is the peristaltic reflex, starved of a decent motor and nary a connection to Club Arnage to be had for months, my thoughts inevitably turn towards June and food poisoning. Yup, good 'ole LM, where the spectators are overcooked and the food underdone.
I know it wasn't Lazarus on the road to Damascus (everyone knows that was Bob Hope...), but for the sake of argument, and an inability to use Google since they changed the toolbar, let's say it was, and I too have experienced a conversion (or I've been raised from the dead, -already I'm getting confused). Anyway, during a recent session of idle banter and serious drinking, it was suggested that some sort of fundraising may help with St Peters anticipated frosty view of things when that personal and inevitable Pearly Gate Moment arises. And what better place to do it than in Le Mans? a place where surely even Mother Theresa would mash the loud pedal, drop her cassock and go large?

Sadly, that was where the good ideas stopped, and I experienced one of those moments (and I'm sure we all have, haven't we?) where someone else seemed to be in control of my mouth and brain, two organs nearly three feet apart, and I could hear myself saying things, and nodding, while inwardly I was screaming "no, NO!! what on earth is the damn fool doing?!", but all people could hear was this idiot in charge of the mouth. Well, what I've come up with is.....instead of sitting in the classic (although slightly dowdy and with more than just a whiff of anusol and Vicks Vap-O-Rub) surroundings  of one of Coventrys finest machines and contributing in no small way to Shells yearly profits, I decided I was going to cycle to Maison Blanche this year. You heard it right, cycle.

Now, it's about 300 miles to Maison Blanche from my place (not being a crow and lacking the ability of flight I may need to round this up a tad. I know I'm getting off the track a bit, but have you ever watched a crow fly? -the ones round our way fly like they've been sniffing Tippex, more like 3000 miles the way the crow flies if you ask me, anyway.. ) and the mouth-idiot reckoned that three days would be more than enough. 100 miles a day then. So, come Tuesday morning on the 12th of June I'll be packing some cucumber and salad spread sandwiches, a half bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, turning my cap backwards and setting off, whistling, in a generally southerly direction, with hopes of arriving in Maison Blanche on Thursday evening in time for a fish supper and a little dancing. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect that the reality may be much more grisly (and probably involve much more than just a whiff of anusol and chamois cream...)

In order to keep my chin firmly pressed to the butchers basket which will surely be attached to the handlebars, I'm going to need a little incentive, and that's where the fundraising bit comes in. Surely, I thought, all my cyber mates on the world famous Club Arnage forum will give me a little help with this noble effort (it took a long time to type 'noble effort', - every time I looked up to check, I'd actually typed 'chatastrophic plan'), and I've set up one of those popular web pages that make contributing a doddle, and all funds (excluding embrocation and unguent expenses) will be heading the way of Kidney Research UK. Let's face it, the little fellas usually have their work cut out that weekend. (Mrs H almost beat me to St Peter last year, but after a quick oil change and one of her brothers kidneys, she's now very firmly at the back of the queue).

It won't be pretty, certainly there'll be blisters and mechanics language involved, but at least it'll give me something to write  about in July. If you pass me on the way down, please don't run me over. My sincerest thanks to all who dare pledge a sum. Oh, and the seat of my 'cycling trousers' has space for a sponsors logo....

Here's the page , go there now  http://www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

H

Oh God, what have I done?

LMAO - when you put it so elegantly how could I refuse!

I hope you arent going to be using the pushbike shown on your justgiving profile!

Let us know how the training and preparation goes.......  ;D

F

Good plan and Good luck to your Ar*se! Look forward to contributing to your incentive.

Adventure? Blarryell! Off rocker must be you!


So I'll bung a bit, gimme a day-or-so but a small dose of my newly extra taxed pension will be yours.

One time years ago my K-words failed for while and the feeling of P***img through shards of shattered glass is unforgettable.

I'm in.

 ::)

OK JPC I need a Tropicoma.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Contribution made big fella. See you there in june, at the gate of MB  with a beer.

Mike

Bleedin' self-publicist.....

Glad to know the plans are still going ahead.  Let me know if you'll need the bike shed!

OK, give me a day or two to get some files off my old laptop and there may well be an auction on a certain well know site as there was last year for Doris' charity!  ;D

I think you are totally barking but it's for a worthy cause so consider yourself sponsored

That was the sort of thing I had in mind.    ;D ;D ;D
Though there is always the chance I'll be out bid this year.   :(
 I hope not I need to mow lawns. :angel:

t.

Good grief H, 100 miles a day? Have you no respect for your perineum? I admire your grit though and no doubt you'll be taping up your nipples, not to mention your testes's sack to you inner thigh. As for Perdu's shards of shattering sheetglass in the shithouse, well it might be nice alliteration, but that alone won't help the Save the Kidney Fund, or whatever it's called. So on behalf of Team Zarse, let's talk about the sponsorship opportunities on the front of your cycling shorts; that bulge of swollen organs will be unmissable.

Anyway, we're in!

Blimey  ;D  I'm off to Just Giving now, my big sister only has one kidney - I'm slightly worried by the prospect that one day she'll be coming after one of mine!

Well then Big H, I'd forgotten about our slightly inebriated discussion about this last June... until now!

Would love to be joining you of course but sadly trackside working commitments mean I need to be there by Tuesday at the latest  :) .... well that and the fact that I'm on the shortlist of reserves for the London to Paris ride two weeks after!

Get paid on Friday and will be forthcoming with some necessaries soon after! Good luck old chap and I do rather feel we need to organise a welcoming committee at the gates of MB! Fireworks, brass band and strippers spring swiftly to mind (the latter if only to see if the nethers are still in working order after such an epic ride!).

And in the time-honoured words of 'Loaded' when it was a decent read.... "Good Work Fella!"  ;D

Ok H, will have Jimmy at the gate with the ar*e cream on his aplicator, ::) i am sure that you will need some rubbing on your chaffings. :'(

Donation made to just giving. Great stuff.

Bri.

Good to hear from you again H, I think you must have been in the tropical sun for to long though.

Will sort out donation as soon as salary paid.

If you need any kit taking down or bringing back just ask, wouldn't want you slumming it on MB after such an effort.

Stirling effort.
I'll double my donation if you do it without a saddle ;D

H, you chosen your route ??

I have to say, it's a great idea! I immediately thought it might pay to contact www.radiolemans.com to see if they can give you some publicity. I wouldn't be surprised if it is something they would be interested in supporting, particularly if you are able to get a daily update to them once you begin your adventure, culminating in a live broadcast when you arrive! Sure to get the money rolling in.

Bloody Hell!
I've gone and done it now, does anyone know any of the Tour de France chemists, I may need their help?
Totally overwhelked (that's spellcheck for you) at this end from all the messages of support and donations, and the odd surgical support as well. Very odd surgical support...
There's some great advice above, and no mistake. In an attempt to follow it all, or at least some of it, I've already prepared a tincture of vinegar, Mazola and uncured araldite, which is going to need to be applied to all affected areas. Gulp!
Training has started, and last night I attempted to pedal some used phonecards outside the local docks, but I admit I didn't get far and was lucky to get home in one piece. I think I'm going to have to look further into this training regime, - someone has mentioned 'strict discipline' and already that has a good ring to it.
Oi Harper! - no need to get the hump because your neighbour did this (below) to your prized possesion. I think it looks nice, now get your 'and in your pocket or the SUV gets it....
H

Blimey H, good man, at your age too!!!!! just been thinking, you'll need a proctologist waiting at MB for a full PR........ of course with both hands on your shoulders.  Ive a good supply of used Scrotal supports ( some bloodstained), and pads for the old ringpiece.

The cumulative effect of 20 odd years of midsummer madness at LM has taken it's toll on H... I mean, not taking the Jag, that’s sacrilegious.

Sponsorship has been dedicated to your cause old son.

See you on MB.

Nurofen

PS   You're not towing the jag by any chance????

It was the classiest thing about MB!!  The neighbourhood is going to the dogs.  ;D

F

Caramba! there's more to this training lark than meets the eye. And the bottom.
I found a local gym last week (yes, with local people!), and amongst piles of what looked like ships ballast, dumbells, crawfish heads and a Gentlemans toilet straight out of Trainspotting, there was an excercise bike. Brilliant I thought, this is where my training starts.
Dressed in my best shorts, and armed with about 4500 songs on my mp3 player I decided to get stuck into some serious pedalling, and cancelled the rest of the days appointments. Well, I was only about half way through ABC's "Shoot that Poison Arrow" when then klaxons started sounding in my engine room. Cranking the lever marked Resistance to it's minimum setting helped,but only delayed things until the start of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Pretty soon I couldn't hear anything above my wheezing. Some really large men were laughing. I may need to return on another day.
I think a personal trainer is probably the best way forward, and I have the young man pictured below in mind, I interviewed him last night and he said all the right things. Quite what they were, I've no idea, but anyone that uses a whistle (loudly) during normal conversation gets my vote every time.
Can you get EPO on e-Bay?
H

Gazza said " BIKE!!!!, that's ok as long as he takes the stabilisers off, before the Rouen tunnel"!  ;D

As was suggested befor, all are willing to take your gear down for you. Good peeps!

Right then remember ,,,,,, you need transportation for the Beer Chiller ,, Fridge ,, Ice Maker ,, Generator! How the hell you got that lot in the jag ,,,,, God only knows !!!!

We shall be round the campsites making collections for Big H's cause. No donation means we will take a VERY close look at your forms in the coming years (and years and years.......................).

So please give generously, you know it makes sense!!!

Done!

Surely you don't pay UK Tax?

Probably just using the payment as down-payment insurance against being misidentified during the rounds of the "boys"....

MG Mark

H,

   As you have seemingly nominated me as Officer Commanding Unguent Wing for this little junket of yours across the briny, I suppose I had better take rather more than a passing, casual interest in this madcap venture, then we can ensure that your posterior is saved for both posterity and for your continued personal use in respect of its usual functions. 

As mentioned elsewhere (on the Marham Track Day thread of all places....) there will be a requirement to recruit an "Application Assistant" and I look to you to undertake the necessary action - if you need any convincing of the requirement, then I merely refer you to the picture conjured by Nathaniel Hawthorne's book, "The Golden Fleece" of  1853 - "So she put a golden box into his hand, and directed him how to apply the perfumed unguent which it contained, and where to meet her at midnight".

You will also note that the website http://www.unguent.net is currently under development, and I have, this very morning, launched a hostile take-over bid to ensure its availability for the team's use during June to provide topical news of the efficacy of the various unguents prepared especially for your use.  In particular, I have in mind Cerate, which I believe will be highly effective, its contituent form being a medicated paste made of lard or oil mixed with wax or resin.  Beef fat, used 20/50, furniture polish and araldite should do nicely.......

MG Mark
 

No, hence the n/a in the tax box next to my donation.

And I thought it was because you didn't want us looking too closley at you returns!

There's that... ;)

Thanks Mark,
This months copy of "Extreme Unguents XXX" already has a dog eared look to it, I've read it from cover to cover, and then once again, buttock to buttock (it was a reflex thing...).
Training is coming along, although I still haven't been on a proper bike, and I've been told that come June I'm going to be either very fit, very thin, or very dead. I reckon two out of three can't be bad, I'm just not sure which two it'll be. If it's the last one, you can have all my spare embrocation.
I've had a couple of great e-mails from John Hindhaugh, and he's keen to get involved and help with a bit of publicity, - top man! I think I might try to get the Pope involved as well, I'm not holding out much hope for a result, but the idea of cycling in a cassock and pope type hat has some sort of irresistable appeal. I could also bless people on the way down.
So come on then CA'ers, get going to http://www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike if you haven't been there already!
H
PS hey, I've found an LM connection!...

Right then - we need to ensure that the two out of three relates to the first two.  In which case, there willl be a need for a suitable machine to train upon.  I can highly recommend this little beauty, an 1899 Simmons Laclede track racer of 1899, which should be just the ticket for a bit of pre-race training in pile de-sensitising.  However, moving onto the event itself, if you are to seriously undertake it garbed in a cassock and pontifical mitre, dispensing munificent blessings along the way to grateful peasants, you will require a suitable velocipede in which to carry the bread and wine....

MG Mark

.....in which case, this trusty old GPO postman's bike should fit the bill nicely.....none of those new fangled gears or other fripperies to go wrong and waste time waiting for a support crew to arrive with spares.  No, by the time June arrives, you will be well set to ride the "dead hard b*st*rd" variety of the finest of traditional British engineering, complete with rod brakes and a single fixed rear sprocket; note also the one concession to comfort, that of a sprung saddle.....

MG Mark

Hi Harry

Mr Zarse and I had a chat with Hindy whilst waiting to board our flight back last night. Apparently he put a shout out for you on the Globecast from Sebring and he is putting links to your Just Giving page on his site.

Apparently your emails have had him in stitches, I can't imaging why!!  ;D

Hindy was most amused to hear that Nassau in the Bahamas is the same as Seaham Harbour, but in the sun. He's going to do his level best to plug this one in the LM media generally and provide live coverage. Frankly I can see the band wagon surrounding this epic ride gathering speed as we get closer and closer to the event.

Phewie!
Finally back in the good-ole UK and it's a glorious day! I'm ready for a bit of hard core training, it's only 10:45 and already I've had five energy bars, and some isotonic lager.
Tomorrow night at the local gym I'm doing something called 'spinning', and can only assume it's one of those games where blindfolded, you quickly drink five shots of vodka, and then your "mates" spin you round on the spot with your forehead stuck to a broomstick handle. - I can see how this will prove valuable, and will keep you informed of my progress. Also, this lunchtime I'll be sloping off to the local cycle shop. where I've been told to tentatively enquire if they've heard of Fax, or the whereabouts of The Rollers.
Andy and Mark, - good to hear you made a connection with Hindy, I hope y'all enjoyed Sebring, - I'm encouraged by Andys prediction that the bandwagon may gather speed, - I'm hoping that soon, I can too...
H
PS. Sean Connery only spends time in Nassau when he's having the damp done at his Seaham Harbour place.

Come on guys and dolls, the Just giving page is a bit sparse of donations, help support Big H and his charity, he requires and deserves more than a £ a mile.

Hurummph!
Well, spinning wasn't all it was cracked up to be, absolutely no vodka at all. I spent sixty minutes looking at the floor with sweat dripping off the end of my nose, a damp patch growing in my crotch and a tin of cranberry juice getting warmer by the minute. Furthermore, I reckon it was pure luck that no-one threw a fit, what with all the strobes and skin tight clothing, -the last time I experienced conditions like that I was in Annabells, wearing a tank top and staggering with a sailors gait along to KC and the Sunshine Band.
The Rollers, not the Bay City type, are also a little different to what I was expecting, and my admiration for Fax has gone up a tad. As I stand here looking at them, the words falling, log, and dimwit come to mind. You wouldn't want to get your old fella trapped in them.
I dread to think what the weekend has in store.....

http://www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

Allez, allez!!
H

H,

I told you that you needed a good old solid postie's bike and what do you do?  New fangled spinning bikes that don't go anywhere, modern popular music and lycra indeed - ye daft old sod.  And as for vodka, hardly a good substitute for the old EPO is it?  So are you going to see sense and introduce a decent piece of British engineering, a flat cap, a pipe and a cycle to the pub and back each evening into the training regime.  The sooner you do, the sooner the old embrocation will come into its own......

MG Mark

Blimey O'Reilly!!
Finally managed to get off the static bikes and try some miles on the real thing last week. On Sunday, Lord knows how, but I covered about 55 miles, and woke up on Monday morning in bed locked in a cycling position. It took two grown ups to get me straightened up, and as a precaution I now have some lok tabs round my knee caps, for fear of them flying off when I climb the stairs. Perinium Status is not just 'Red', it's incandescent. I hope things settle down a bit, as another session is planned tonight with my new found cycling chums (who all seem to have shaved legs and no body fat, they even talk in streamlines). I'm told I should be on the bike 6 days a week from now on, and frankly this strikes me as madness, my crotch is going to end up at navel level at this rate.
Mark, I'm afraid my cap flew off at somewhere called Coombe Bottom, which I thought was quite appropriate...
H

http://www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

H,

    My dear chap, Rule 27 of Machiavelli's rules of Military Discipline applies here, which states unequivocally, "Accustom your soldiers to despise delicate living and luxurious clothing".  So then, let's start getting a bit of the old stiff upper lip going here and stop this quivering, lily-livered, wet blanket rubbish.  No Sir, that sort of behaviour just isn't on - you'll have the natives restless and mutinous with that sort of talk and that's simply not on now is it?  Get the E45 cream out, slather it on and top off with a few beers and the world will be a better place. 

Coombe Bottom?  I would have thought Skinner's Bottom in the Carrick district of Cornwall would have been more appropriate for you....

MG Mark

Whenever I find myself on the receiving end of sweatrash crevice I find that a liberal dusting of medicated atheletes foot powder works a treat. It works such  a treat that my lovely wife, who is the most gentle spoken woman I've ever met now has the phrase 'atheletes barse' in her vocabulary.

One of those saddles with a slot cut in the middle should prevent you from putting your body weight on the penile vein, and experiencing the frankly disconcerting penile numbness. Although with 300 miles to do you might be glad of a numb dobber.

Purely out of idle curiosity nickliv, what sort of occasions/events/activities do you find usually lead to your crevice(s) being plagued by this awful impairment?

Thanks for the advice Nick!
I'm a little worried that too much powder may turn into a sort of mulch as the temperature rises and friction starts taking it's toll. To this end, I may be packing a little hydraulic cement (http://www.damtitewaterproofing.com/products/product.php?colName=7032) for emergencies, or just plain old curiosity. I also seem to have acquired a bicycle seat that you could slice a cucumber with, and I tell you honestly, it's taking some getting used to. Below is a pic of one our crew on a cycling ride on MB, and just look at how brightly his perineum is glowing, and he'd only done one lap!
Mind you, I quite like the idea of having an "athletes arse", only without all the unpleasantness...
H

It's probably got something to do with the way I'm made. Long walks in the hills on hot days when wearing unsuitable undergarments usually has something to do with it as well.

And you're right Andy. It is an awful impairment.

I'm officially a little bit frustrated now...
I've been pedalling like a leper in downtown Cairo for the last 3 weeks, and I'm stuffed if I can see any improvement! - I'm more a 'bag of tripe' instead of the 'butchers dog'. Mind you, the weather lately has been in favour of large BBQs, lashings of strong lager and an early bed, so perhaps my diet needs fine tuning a little. I'm still waiting for that moment (which several b******s have promised me!) where everything falls into place and I accelerate effortlessly, like a train, from A to B. And I can't see that happening, unless I inadvertantly get lost and find myself plummetting from Beachy Head, heading swiftly towards some close range winkle inspecting.
I suspect I haven't been using enough Vaseline, so tonight I'm going to use the whole stock, - if it's flexible it's going to be gassed back, and if it's matt it's going to be shining like a brasso'd towing hitch...
Perhaps I'll ditch the chaps....
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

The collecting tins in aid of the cause have arrived at the tax officecolllecting headquarters.

We will be round the campsites on Friday evening/night so if you want a visit to enable you to donate let us know your where-abouts!

H,

      Have faith and patience my dear chap - you'll feel great when you get to Le Mans, and be able to accelerate effortlessly when you can swop the bike for a car.  In the meantime, more pain means more gain (I think that is supposed to be how it goes).  The recent diet may not have helped, but it will surely come together in due course.  Failing all else, go for a diet of brussel sprouts, then at least the ride will be aided by flatulence.... 

MG Mark

Big H - You should be seeing an improvement by now!

Are you still doing the spinning or only outdoors cycling?  Spinning should be good to give you a fast increase in stamina and strength - go at least twice a week for an hour and work hard - no sitting there without any resistance on your bike pretending - it fools nobody!! 

You should also be working on core strength too, so get down to the free weights section of the gym and start pumping some iron!

A bit of outdoors cycling should be on top of the gym/spin work.... you gotta put in the time!

Keep an eye on your nutrition too, it can make all the difference... get some carbs within 30 mins of a workout... a banana is good, or some white bread with some protein, ie. a ham sandwich.

F

Edit:  Forgot to say - dont do the same work out two days running, and remember to have one complete rest day per week.

Everyone on Venice Beach found Harry's hernia a source of great amusement.....

(http://www.ericthetrainer.com/Events/muscle_beach.jpg)

Come on H., you remember my enforced 6 week workout - it took 5 weeks to see & feel the difference with no change to diet or alcohol input! Its all in the hills man, aim for Ditchling Beacon! ;D

You're right, it is all in the hills, - in fact I left more in the hills than the hills bargained for on Sunday. I think maybe I'm overdoing it, and might take a little breather for a day or two, or at least until I can straighten up. Oh, and I've discovered 'Chamois Cream', and I can tell you it's just the stuff for a drop dead side parting and fish accompaniment.
As well as the chaps, it's looking like I'll have to lose the basketwork trailer and balloons from the handlebars, bloody 'ell, I'm going to end up looking like a cyclist at this rate...
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

You are not alone!  The story of a fellow sufferer:
http://www.completefrance.com/cs/forums/920856/ShowPost.aspx

Big H,

I am sharing your pain and trepidation with regards to this cycling lark...

Indeed, this time next week, I shall be in the saddle en route to Doncaster.. A merry band are sallying forth, as we have done for the last 3 years, on our trusty steeds, to Bedford Blues last away game of the season... Henley, Birmingham Solihull & Harlequins have been safely (if sorely) arrived at... I fear Doncaster will present an altogether more daunting challenge...

I hear on good authority that a mixture of Vaseline and Bonjella strategically applied works wonders easing both pain and chaffing in the nether regions... Never tried it, but I will advise on whether you may like to try it...

DW

DW enjoy the trip, nice ground to watch from, went to watch the Tykes there a few weeks ago. Will be watching Tykes v Rotherham on Sunday, it's a shame theres nothing to play for now.

Thanks all,
Well, I've no excuse now then. I seem to have done more homework than those folks, so it's Le Mans or bust!
I'm sure Mark's going to be disappointed in me, but I've come to the conclusion that this hi-tech malarky is the only way forward. Mind you, I was dismayed to find myself in front of a front length mirror the other day and realised that there really is just no hiding place in these lycra shorts the man in the shop sold me. On the plus side though, it did remind me that I needed to get some fresh vegetables in.
I managed about 60 miles on Sunday, mostly up and down some horrible hills, and on Monday did about 30 miles. Tuesday was an hour spinning followed by a run, and yesterday was another twenty odd miles. I'm now so knackered I can't talk properly, so am going to take it easy till the weekend. I'm not sure my speech will have improved by then, but I'll have had a rest.
Now, if you're ever participating in one of those word association games and someone barks "Bonjela!" when they hear "Arse!", don't come back with "rugby!" if you know what's good for you.
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

You gotta take rest days on alternate days.... .not in groups once you are completely knackered!!

Sheesh  ::)

F

Oh aright then...
Run it past me again though Fran, if a ham sandwich makes me fit, does that mean a roast dinner's preferable if I can get my hands on one?
H

In order not to miss Le Mans by a wide margin and end up lost (and knackered) in France, I reckon it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to do a bit of route planning. Funnily enough, most route planners seem to be car orientated, and the motorway, as far as I'm concerned, has got to be avoided. Mind you, my pal Brian, who has a long history of dangerous and unstable behaviour, might fancy a bit of Citroen dodging, but all things considered I think a nice quiet rural road would be best. I'm ready for a bit of advice from our local correspondants on this one, - my plan is to draw a line from Cherbourg to Le Mans, and stick as close to it as possible using the yellow D roads, although it looks like there may be a bit of tacking involved. I know the red ones are great fun in the car, but I reckon there could be a lot of Artic-Action on them, and I want to avoid a bottle of golden delight on the back of the head at all costs (http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=93.0).
Anyone know where I might find a good route or route planner?
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

Sounds like a splendid wheeze, count me in!

Seriously though, yes I'd love to help both sponsorship and practical help.

GF

H - no ideas on sensible routes I'm afraid anbd google doesn't seem to throw up much of any use (although with the old doping trick, you should be passing the camions....) but the likes of Rick Cutler might be able to point you in the right direction.

MG Mark

It's going to be a real trick to figure out how I am going to ride to the hotel with you after the race.  I guess I'll just pull the suitcase behind on it's wheels.  I still like the Jag better!!!!!!

H, I have taken the liberty of posting a link to this thread on the Living France forum (hope you don't mind).  It has a large membership of ex-pats, many of whom are keen cyclists.  They seem to me to be likely to have a better handle on possibe routes for you.  You never know...
http://www.completefrance.com/cs/forums/929943/ShowPost.aspx

Hey, Messrs Grannies (Black)!
Sorry lads, I missed this post (- my sight's never really been the same since the turpentine incident). Sterling work and no mistake, my hat off to every man Jack of you. I'm not sure where you stand with French law when it comes to demanding money with menaces, and a broomstick, but I'll speak up for you if the worst comes to the worst.
Talking of tax returns, it wouldn't hurt to take a look at mine, the words 'spiralling' and 'cardboard accommodation' come swiftly to mind. I mean, they want to know if I would like to appeal! I live in Surrey, my Tax region appears to be entitled Sussex, and it's address is in Glasgow, and they're suprised they haven't received anything!!?? Their Helpline number connects me to a Catalogue warehouse...
Ms Mite, anther great effort and stroke of genius, continue to take all the liberties you can think of. Oh, and you're right, I never know.
Also, a welcome communication from the large cheese himself, who no doubt recalls the old DOS days of this forum. Although, I would have chosen my words more carefully, just seeing the word "wheeze" has put my training back a week and got me scrabbling for an inhaler.
Allez Allez!!
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

Cherbourg? Jesus, I wouldn't start from there if I was you!

Firstly, that massive hill coming up out of Cherbourg town is an absolute bastard and pretty much unavoidable which ever route you take. It's once you're clear of that obstacle that your problems really begin. Have you ever read a Normandy guidebook? Well they all talk about a region called Suisse Normandy. No, it's nothing to do with the local production of cuckoo clocks, nor are the residents especially humourless and neither is there a secret stash of gold teeth and fillings locked away in the banks. Suisse in this context refers to the topography, by which I mean Alps. Small alps admittedly, but there's bloody millions of the little sods dotted around the countryside. You'll be disappointed to note that the direct route to Le Mans goes right through them. I'm fairly certain you'll find it a tadge tiring, that's if the yodelling doesn't drive you mad first.

So the alternative might be to stay closer to the east coast of the penninsular initially, maybe until you reach Isigny or Port en Bessin or somewhere. From memory that route is a bit flatter and you should be able to get a good lick going. You can then try to figure out how to get down to Falaise whilst avoiding the Caen ringroad like the plague. I'm sure this isn't going to be easy, Uncle Albert's told me the Germans have mined most of those routes...

Have you considered sneaking the bike on the train to Alencon?

H; you gotta listen to this man ,,,,,, he knows all about rings!!!!!

L O Jolly Green.  8)

H, Caen is the closest as we all know, There is a route missing Caen itself by going over Pegasus bridge, we you come  off the boat keep to the left on the footpath and it becomes a cycle path all the way to Pegasus bridge. Cross the "New" bridge and then lanes to faliase etc. Le Harve to Le Mans is a far nicer route but will take an extra 1/2 a day i suspect. I rode Dieppe to Le Mans in 1.5 days in 1998 PM me for my mobile i can help with most things bike related.

Here is me with my medal after the 2003 tour de france. ;D

uh-oh...
I'd forgot about that hill just outside of Cherbourg, - mind you I shouldn't have done, as I've coasted down it a few times on the way home with the fuel guage on 'E', hoping to have enough momemtum to make it to a gas station, but usually just having enough to beach it on a roundabout. Anyway, the ferry's been booked for a while now, so I guess there's no avoiding it. The French Switzerland huh? that's just what I wanted to hear, but looking on the bright side I'll be able sing "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" when I'm going downhill (and as been pointed out before, I've been going downhill fast for a number of years now, so that bit of training's covered...).
Rick, thanks for the offer, you were in the 2003 TDF??!!
H
Oh-da-lay, oh-da-lay, oh-da-lay ooh ooh!!!

Well, I did, and if Jesus really does want me for a sunbeam, as I was so often told when I was younger, then he's going the right way about it. Yesterday, with summer in the air and a good forecast, I thought a ride to Brighton and back via Ditchling Beacon would be a good tester, a round trip of about 115 miles, with the added incentive of fish and chips and a cup of tea on the prom before turning around. I can confirm, without fear of contradiction, that there are more comfortable ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. Many more. As I reached the top of Ditchling Beacon I reckon people in the adjacent counties could hear me gasping and rattling, it was ten minutes before I could swear properly.
On the plus side, I got home in the end, although to be honest I was in a right old state. Once off the bike, looking for relief, I took a tip from Paula Radcliffes book and filled the bath full of ice cold water and sat in it for ten minutes, whereupon my winkle assumed a shape and palour I've never seen before, - Paula didn't mention that! This morning I'm walking like John Wayne, and like the Duke, only seem to have one working lung. I also think I'm going to have to burn my cycling trousers...
The thought of doing this three days in a row is a sobering one, which means at the very least I've got a lot more work to do. On the positive side though (!!!) I wouldn't have managed it three weeks ago, so I must be making some progress.
And to think I used to laugh at zimmer frames.
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-Bike

H,

Progress indeed, and it sounds like you're getting there, you little ray of sunshine.  Just don't peak too early, so make sure that you are getting plenty of fats and alcohol down you to offset all this new level of racing snake fitness.  I am a little concerned though that there appears to be little mention of emolient unguent use recently.  I do sincerely hope that you are looking after the nether regions in the midst of this burst of optimism, and that the attention-getter of the gasping/rattling/lung issue is not drawing attention away from this vital area of personal care? 

MG Mark

 
Fear not Mark, much thought and attention was given to the preparation and protection of my Gentlemens area at the weekend.
I read a book recently which addressed the chances of life on other planets (and the conclusions weren't very positive...) and it wasn't long before the author arrived at a discussion on 'primordial soup', a sort of luke warm brackish collection of amino acids and different minerals just waiting for a spark to ignite it and set it on its way to local government employment. Anyway, as I performed the autopsy on my cycling trousers on Sunday evening, it was fascinating to see just what had happened to the various pastes and solutions I'd loaded them with only just that morning, and I was reminded of some of the authors observations, particulary the one about the 'Goldilocks Zone' and sudden impacts.
As a result, I'm going to call in at NPL (National Physics Laboratory) this afternoon, which is just down the road from me. I think they may either want to sponsor me, or run me up a flag pole when the forecast turns nasty. It's a gamble, but you never know....
H

Blimey, another week has gone!
I managed a fairly steady 65 miles on Sunday with no real ill effects, although I've got a very sore knee this morning, - as well as the the obvious Other Regions, but that goes without saying. I'm actually starting to feel reasonably ok on the bike now, which has to be a good sign.
A spinning session and then another 40 miles on Thursday was my lot for the week, with the grindstone keeping me busy the rest of the time. 'The Rollers' are still sitting almost unused in the garage,  I get the willies just looking at them and my brain goes AWOL after about 5 minutes on the damn things, maybe that's where Ken Russell got the inspiration for Altered States from. Well, p'raps not, the idea of Ken on a bike is about as likely as Dennis Hopper doing the River Dance, now there's an image... I'm going to have to give them another go I think, especially as there's only a few weeks to go now.
In fact the atmosphere in the garage is a bit hostile, the jag's sitting there with the hump, - this year would have been it's 21st year on the trot down to LM and I think it most have been hoping to slope off with a few of its monkey mates for a bit of a piss up. Instead, it'll be entertaining some spiders and maybe an earwig or two, not much fun really.
Just to keep things interesting, and to add a bit of motivation, I've entered what the cycling lads call a 'Randonee' next weekend, - it's a sort of timed road race over 90 miles, with bronze, silver and gold classification to be had at the end. I suspect though, that my time will place me very firmly at the other end of the periodic table when it comes to rare metals. I'll be pleased with a 'Lithium'.
H

Well that's all sounding jolly responsible now, and I do detect the early signs of optimism for success, with the weeks rushing by as we get to your personal point of no return, i.e. setting off from home for La Sarthe with the bit firmly between your teeth on two self-propelled wheels.  Which is all a good thing. 

For the dread "rollers", perhaps you should consider moving them inside, in front of the telly, when you could induce the appropriate consciousness state by watching something suitable, whilst training and dripping copiously on the lounge carpet.  It will also remove you from the source of the guilt pangs that you are doubtless feeling, whilst the Jag scowls at you and plots her revenge.  Just have to hope that she can't communicate through the ether with the Commer, otherwise you'd really be up sh*t creek, and would probably have more than a sore knee and nether regions to contend with.  Good luck with the weekend's race!

MG Mark     

Well H, how was your weekend 90 miler? I empathised with you by dusting off my own bike and fitting slicks in anticipation of its annual trip to Le Mans (slung in the back of the hatchback)..........P & B

Got your route sorted out yet H? Ourselves and Chris Alibongo's groups will be on the Cherbourg to Le mans road on Thurs morning, would be great to cheer you on (and pass you a nice cold one ;D)

Wotcher Mr Finger,
I've just about got the route sorted, but unfortunately not my legs or a*se yet. Both seem to heading in different directions...
I spent 6 hours in the rain, doing 90 miles up and down the Surrey and Sussex downs yesterday, and it wasn't a very nice place to be, - foolishly I reckoned I needed to get some wet weather testing in. It was a bit 'orrible.
Anyway it's looking like this, - you'll need a small scale map though as I've kept mostly to D roads so as to avoid being 'juggernauted'. Any spurring on will certainly go down well. By "a nice cold one", do you mean a bottle of beer or a tub of Nivea?
H
Cherbourg (obviously)
Bricquebec
St Sauveur
Periers
Marigny
Canisy
Tessy
Vire
Tinchebray
Domfront
Lassay
Javron
Villaines
Sifle-le-Guillaume
Le Mans (Arnage)

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-Bike

PS oops, wotcher P&B, just seen your post, - I think 'grim' was probably the best way to describe it. On the verge, fixing a puncture, soaked to the skin and shivering so much I couldn't see straight just about sets the scene. I'm going to wait till the forecast says 'fine' next time.

Thats not a million miles from our usual route, Vire to Le mans leg is identical. Any idea on times? We can carry any cold items you like although recomend Sudocrem over Nivea, makes a better mixer too when supplies run low!

It's a good route by the look of it, and you've just managed to avoid the village of Commer, which is about five miles south of mayonne. Just watch out for high speed combine harvesters and tractors thundering down the D roads. The subsidy-greedy French farmers should have started harvesting their massive quota of Fetid Mire Grass, or whatever useless crop has been grown for this year's massive cash beano; nothing get's in the way of a French farmer and his fat cheque from Brussels.

Oh and please note it's not spelled Sifle, but Sille-le Guillaume (with an acute accent!), needless to say when translated to English it means Silly Willy. Why-oh-why do the French do this to us Carry On fans?

From my garden I can see : Wheat, Corn on the Cob, Sunflowers and hay growing.  All useless crops, I grant you, Andy!!!  Oh, plus a flock of cows and a flock of sheep.
Sorry about the hijack, Big H.

But Andy's right.  It's hay time in June and the farmers generally work every daylight hour 7 days a week - but at least you can hear them coming. ;D

I too have just plotted your route on my trusty Michelin H; as we're crossing on Tuesday ourselves we may well divert at Rouen and be waiting in a ditch to cheer you on (and it won't be the 1st time I've been ditched dans Francais) - it'll be a photo opportunity not to be missed! About 17.00ish where do you expect - or more like it hope - to be? Any special requests? I'll have a length of rope on board: won't let you hang yourself but you might want a tow......P & B

GGRRRRRRRRR!!! Don't start me on bloody sunflowers. It's a complete disgrace, they should all be grown in Africa, but no, the twunts at the EU pays big subsidies to farmers, mostly in France, to grow them in Europe. This therefore distorts the world market not to mention putting unsubsidised African farmers out of business and throwing their workers into penury. Just so Monsieur Le Fermier can have a new tractor and a month in Martinique every year courtesy of his subsidy bonus. Personally it doesn't sit comfortably with me. Sorry about the thread hijack too...

Zarse, you're a harbinger of doom!
First it's the bleedin' Normandie Alps, and now the kamikaze combine harvesters!
Heavy agricultural machinery, 'high speed', 'thundering' and 'D roads' all in the same sentence, what are you trying to do to me?
What I do if I see a lane filling threshing type thing filling the road up, piloted by a sound asleep French farmer wearing a white bandana with a central red spot barrelling towards me I haven't had time to decide on yet, but I suppose it better be something fairly prompt. Do BANZAI!!! make combine harvesters??
It didn't mention this in Cycling Weekly.
H

Edit: Oh no! now he's onto African farmers...

I've got a brand new combine harbinger......  ;D

Sadly, the farmers around here do not reflect your views of them.  Most struggle to earn a living and run ancient cars and older tractors.  A bigger contrast to the farming community in the part of the UK where I lived before, you could not imagine.  I have yet to meet one who knows what a holiday is - they are working every daylight hour.  As to sunflowers - I bow to your greater knowledge - they're pretty for the tourists though! ;)

I bet you've got a few harbingers tucked away? ;D

Big H, I think that Mr Z's fundraising idea for CA is a splendid one.  By far the best yet.....

Due to many variables, involving mostly unpleasant skin conditions, my schedule is a little uncertain. All I can say is...
Tuesday night we'll be kipping in Cherbourg, so it'll be a fairly early start Wednesday morning, say 8:30 ish. I'd like to think we could make Domfront as our next overnight stop maybe getting there about 5, but I could be being a little optimistic, - it certainly won't be any further that's for sure.
H

Maybe we can sponsor Andy Z to stay with a French farmer or the Mayor of Alencon for a week or too. What do you think Andy?

What's all this WE malarky then!
I assume it's you and your ailments plus lotions & potions ????

H,

Now that you've had time to get over the harbinger of doom comments, and get some optimism back into the scheme, how's the training going?  Out and about last weekend?  In need of extreme unction?  The world must know the truth!  And for all the lurkers and and non-committers out there, come on read the thread and DONATE !!!!


MG Mark

H, i havent put any dosh in your pot yet.....

I'll dig you out in MB with a crisp £20 ??

H,

Like Robbo SPS, my crisp 20 squid will be with you in LM.  I admire your endevours.

Having cycled twice around Normandy, I think you'll find that the indiginous population are very carefull of not colliding with cyclists. They even toot you as a warning when the approach.

Jerry

Cyclists are treated with great respect around here too. :)

Unlike around here where fit special attachments on the front of our vans to maim them.:-D

What a weekend!
I had allsorts planned, first off was putting the tent up,- maybe having a cold beer and a little snooze in there, just to test things are all in working order, in paricular my snoozing gear, before packing it back up in an orderly fashion; and then maybe cycling to Mars and back, or wherever the crazy men down at the local cycle club are going this weekend. I was even thinking of setting off for Portsmouth just to test my route and see how far it is.
But the weather's more like February then May, and it's been persisting down round these parts since Friday night. All I've been able to do is settle down for a little bit of inspirational reading, hoping it's going to put me in the right frame of mind. So, with a nice cup of cocoa and a comfy chair I worked my way through "How I Triumphed Over Tourettes Syndrome", and I can tell you now, it's a f*cking corker of a read.
Thanks for the heads up Mark, training has been coming along, but work and the weather means I haven't got any long rides in lately, which is bad news for the legs, but marvellous news for the arse. - In fact, things are looking pretty good down there at the moment, I've even been considering posting a few pics, I'm so pleased with it. I had been planning on riding down with my old chum Brian, who lives in Northumberland (so I'll have a bit of a head start...), he's an LM virgin, and the challenge of riding there for a good cause got him interested, so he's been training hard. However, I spoke to him yesterday and he reckons his piles are so bad he can't even open his eyes. Like a true Geordie, he's been training through the pain, but it looks like he's going to have to pull out. I don't blame him for a second, I mean, if you can't open your eyes, it's not a good idea to set off for France with a face that looks like you've been peeling onions all day. Especially on a bike with a bread knife for a saddle. I'll miss him, and I suggest we all raise a glass to his haemmorrhoids on Saturday night. The "Poo" bar would seem a most appropriate place.
So it's the rollers tonight then, I can't concentrate for longer than an hour on the things so that's about my limit, although this may have something to do with the fact that the bike's set up right next to the fridge, and no matter how hard I try to think of other things, like the 1966 final, or my inland revenue self-assesment form, I just know there's a bunch of cold beers in there dying to get out.
Speaking of which....that's two good calls from Robbo and Jerry, thanks lads, that's much appreciated. Mr Black and his Grannies have bravely volunteered to do some Kidney Research tin rattling on Friday night at the DfH shindig (and most other times I think!), and have got some official KR tins. I'll make sure any cash I get goes in there, - if I have it in my pocket too long I'll just end up buying loads of sausages.
Yes, so c'mon chaps! I'm nearly at my £1000 target, so get on down without delay if you've been thinking about making a donation but kept putting it off, - you can be sure I've been working hard for it. Your countries kidneys need you!!
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike

If you don't we'll try and catch you on Friday night (or at other times by appointment). Also we shall take a VERY close look at your returns for this year and the last 5 as well

Oh please do! ;D

H - I may try and look out for your arrival at the ferry port, bit of cheering and all that. If i had been working i'd have sorted out an escort of something. Cycling on th A3(m) is a n o no, but the old a3 is a nice route, just come off at Horndean, past the old Gales brewery, up the hill and into the road works....
You will have 3 miles of serious pain, its called a new bus route and its worse than corrigated roofing or a farmers track !!!

H

Now then, after the rest for your perimeum with last week's washout for training, I trust that the weather will be kinder, and your backside will be back in the saddle, pedalling away to get ready for the great push to La Sarthe in a couple of weeks time.  So what's planned?  More feet up with cocoa in the comfy chair?  Or a good bonk or two up and down dale over hundreds of miles and back in time for tea, tiffin and medals? 

Has an official route been devised and approved yet?  Fellow CAers could then ensure that they are installed at roadside cafes to cheer you on at regular intervals along the way.  Or at least make rude comments and signs, as you pass by on the threshold of exhaustion, coughing blood....

The total is going up nicely and has very nearly hit the magic gorillla mark, so well done H - and come on to those who haven't signed up yet - dig out some of the folding stuff from those pockets!

MG Mark

What's going on with the weather? - some herbert's just been on the telly telling us to expect hail today, he must have been putting something stronger than semi-skimmed milk on his cornflakes this morning if you ask me. Hail. Holy Maracas. I'll know he's been on the absinthe when he starts talking about icebergs down the high street and Villeneuve finishing the race.
I've just collected my bike from the bike shop (I tried the greengrocers first, but he wouldn't  have anything to do with it) after a service and check through. so I'm just about ready for the off. They turned down the offer of servicing my legs though, I was sort of hoping for a new set of calfs and thigh bones. No more long rides for me now, I'm told I'm meant to be 'tapering', although what that means I'm not quite sure, maybe whittling down a few clothes pegs and trying to foist them with a few veiled threats onto the unsuspecting public down the shops. My scrotum seems to be ready for things though, and unusually, has developed a sort of mini-cab sheen. I've been nowhere near it with the Armourall, so can only assume it has something to do with friction and stagefright, although I can't rule out some sort of complaint that's new to me. Maybe it was the araldite and cornflour that did it. Just a few weeks ago, as I remarked once before on this forum, it looked like I had Don King in a headlock down there.
In some kind of variation on the Anthony Hopkins/Magic theme, I believe my arse has started talking to me, but only when there's no one else around. Admittedly, it's got more to say when I've been drinking, but that doesn't prove anything. Surprisingly, it's reasonably articulate, but you probably won't be surprised to hear that I wouldn't introduce it to my mother. Worryingly, as I'll be cycling solo, it's likely it'll try and thrash a few things out on the way down. Anyway, no matter what it says, I'm choosing my own shorts, and that's that.
Robbo, my planned route has me heading towards Portsmouth via Rowlands Castle, West Leigh, Bedhampton, Cosham and then the A3, if all goes well I should be getting there about 2:30 on Tuesday. The thought of riding on a corrugated roof has me scuttling towards the strong drinks cabinet (and has rendered my arse speechless!), so I'm hoping to god that this route avoids the works you mention. It'll be good to see you, I'll keep an eye out.
Mark, thanks once again for the support, as agreed earlier I'll bequeath all my spare unguents to you should the worst come to the worst and I end up decorating some truckers grill. My planned route is on page 6 of this thread, and any sort of abuse hurled my way, no matter how foul or vindictive, will be welcomed.
Only 60 odd quid more and then my target's reached, fantastic stuff chaps (and lovely ladies!).
Allez, allez!!
H
www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-Bike

Without trolling through the other six pages of this thread H. I'm unsure if you've discussed already the aerodynamic advantages of giving your pins the Gillette treatment - just a thought! Although by the sounds of it you're treating the nether regions to the Phillishave so you're probably on the case....."Onwards & forwards" might be your motto when you're creaking towards the top of a crest. Attaboy!

 :-* :-* :-*
Allez indeed you lovely person

I sent you a PM as I am trying to out bid Sav on the application of cream to effected/affected areas - so far he is winning by a shilling.

I'll see you - in the usual place for a low flyer - oh and I WILL WIN re bid for cream application - its the law don't you know!

good Luck

Lisa
xx

hi lisa..

where you been hiding?

I'm in awe.  Anyone who does what you're planning to do deserves free beers for the weekend.  So if your route takes you past MB zone C look out for the R reg silver impreza wagon, and feel free to stop by for a pit stop.

Bonne chance

John Boy

There you go, I've topped you to the £1000. Just keep your shredded arse away from me, ok!

Can you raise the target? I reckon there's plenty more to come.

I presume the 'bonk' you mention is the cycling version and not the other liesurely pursuit?

Jerry

I assume so, the first time i mentioned out of the cycling arena I got strange looks ;D

Well, that's it!
The unguents are all mixed and seperated out into different buckets, depending on colour, temperature and stability. The gussets are soaking in WD40 with a dash of peanut butter. The rest of the kit's all hanging up and ready to go, I've even given the bike a rub down and put some talcum powder in my shoes. Fifteen litres of chilli have been frozen solid and sent to MB via FedEx and should be ready and waiting for me to sit on when I get there.
The last spinning session was endured last night, and I'm bound to say I'm glad to see the back of them, a man can only listen to 'You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet' and 'Eye of The Tiger' so many times without having to run down to the hairdressers. I mean, does no one listen to Frankie Goes to Hollywood anymore? I've even grown some diggers for the ride, and the waiter in our local curry house mistook me for Elvis the other night. Although, I think this had more to do with what he'd been tugging on round the back than any resemblance I have to The King.
Sadly, my worst fears regarding My Mate Brian And His Piles have been realised, and he's now definitely pulled out. It seems they've got no better, and last time I spoke to him he'd smeared them with Marmite and was on his way down to the dog kennels. Not even after a full hour on google could I find any details of that treatment, but I'm sure he knows what he's doing...
I think I'll have to get some sort of playlist put together for the mp3 player as there'll be no-one to talk to, - suggestions for tracks will be gratefully accepted. Also, as MMBAHP can't be there, I'll have his grandstand ticket as a spare, and I think it'd be a good idea to put it on the DFH Auction on Friday night. Having said that, I think it's the seat next to me, and there's a very good chance I'll be minging something terrible.
See you all down there doods!!
H

www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-Bike

 :-* :-* :-*

Woooo - it really is getting to fever pitch now in respect of your decent to Le Mans, H (OMG I lie - what about all those hills!)

I just wish I was able to be there for the big 'off' so we can all cheer you on and then drive away in our less painful choices of transport.

You mentioned the vat of Chilli - sent ahead Fed Ex (I would have used DHL) - well dont forget that after you apply that there is always my Green Curry - reaches parts other unctions might have trouble getting to.

Can't wait to see you - how about you just wear your infamous hat on entry to MB - that would get people going (or perhaps just me - fnaa fnaa)

I don't know why you don't just 'strap on' a record player to the bike instead of bothering about 'downloading' stuff onto a new-fangled i-pod do dah. You could even set up a dynamo system to make it work - then you could just go slower when you want to listen to your Barry White collection.

As for Frankie - get a life will you - you do want to make it to MB in time to see the end of the race don't you. The French will beat you to a pulp if they hear that rubbish on your Bang & O

Lisa

xx

Harry

Are you starting cycling in Blighty? If so what is your route, what port are you going from and approx times?

 :-* :-* :-*

What ?- H's bike changes into a pedalo?

wicked

thats obviously worth an extra tenner's worth of garlic for my curry ;D

Lisa

Rob,
My route's in detail earlier in this thread, but basically:
London to Portsmouth in time for a 4 o'clock Tuesday afternoon ferry to Cherbourg, and no beer or whiskey at all. Wednesday, Cherbourg to maybe Domfront via D-roads, and no cider or calvados at all, at all.
Thursday, Domfront to Maison Blanche, via Arnage, and no Ricard or 1664 at all, at all, at all.
Lisa, I'm hoping to stay on the ferry for the full length of the crossing, as I won't have a pedalo, - but you've made me wonder about taking along some flares...
H

I'm afraid it's another harbinger moment H, but I'd strongly advise against it (whilst sucking air through my teeth). Surely flares could get caught up in the chain and tip you over the handlbars into the flailling jaws of an oncoming sunflower scrattler?

(http://www.allfancydress.com/images/products/large/14505.jpg)

"Sunflower Scrattler"!!!!

Holy mothers of embrocation!! What's that going to do to me down a deserted lane?? Frank Boughs Knob, now I'm going to be Scrattled!

That's a great set of flares though but, and the Selwyn Froggitt thumbs up has got me going all weak at the knees. I think if I came across this young lady down a country lane I'd have to first start checking my water bottles for traces of LSD or rogue mushrooms, before dismounting and setting fire to my hair in a homage to either Arthur Brown or Andrew Lloyd Webber, I'm not sure which...
H

 :-* :-* :-*

My dearest H - I have that outfit (although not the girl inside it) so if ye fancy - as I'm zooming past ye at an ultra fast rate of knots on the way down - I'll toss it (the outfit that is) from my electronically controlled and chipped super fast window opening so you can wear it .............ohhh ekk missus?

How does that grab ye?

Don't tell me?

BTW - Ive been ultra tawdry n slow about matters in relation to Le Mans this year for reasons that I might blurt out one night when we are safely sat around the electric campfire watching Sav and Stu drink petrol - you will be sat on your rubber ring, obviously, so won't get all upset and suffer any more discomfort when I give you the lowdown about whats been going on. So I'm sorry I havent pledged - but i'll just get in the que with the rest of the attendees at this years race to give you hard currency (printed in St Helier) if thats ok.

If I have missed it (and I often do miss things - even when they leap out at me) then kindly post a more detailed route that you are planning to undertake as I might find my way on to some 'z' roads this year (being as i am totally alone again driving from deepest darkest St Malo) and park up the car so I can walk in front of you with a red flag - or my red knickers - that'll surely scare off the sunflower thingy ma bob machine.

Yours sincerely

Lisa
 ;D

H,

Have a great last weekend of freedom before launching yourself off on this madcap adventure next week.  One trusts that you will be adopting the "don't do too much to wear yourself out and bulk up on carbs and beer" approach to this weekend.  Chuck in a bit of fettling of the trusty steed, nip a few loose spokes up, get the saddle bag stuffed with a puncture kit, unguents and a few cheese sarnies - that should all see you in good shape and ready for the off, raring to go.  Good luck mate,   

MG Mark

Do you know which road you're taking from Sille to LM on Thursday?  Should we bring an ambulance if we come to cheer you on on the last lap?

 request to those of you who eyewitness his arrival on MB - Please take a few pictures for next years guide ;D

...preferably before he collapses in a heap...

MG Mark

 :-* :-* :-*

Perhaps on his arrival at MB he could perform that hilarious stunt with the firework, as per Lord Steve circa 2004 - or was it 2005 - dunno those years are still blurry. Hee hee.

Lisa

Thanks all!
A little ride last night, and then lashings of 3 in 1, means the end of the training, - Wahahaay!!
Termie, my route plan has me pedalling through Tennie, Neuvy-en-champagne, La Quinte, les Mons Rouge, la Cr. Georgette, it sort of gets a bit vague after that, I'm hoping I'll recognise where I am by then and make a B-line for Arnage.
If you're thinking of turning out, PM me your mobile and I'll send a text when I'm nearby. (Ooh, that sounds a bit too confident, make that an "if I get nearby")
An ambulance, or a hearse, will be ok.
Fingers are crossed over the weather....
H

good luck H, see you at the finishing line with a cool one.
Brian

Good luck H, keep everything well lubed up and you'll be fine. We'll keep an eye out for you on the way down (thurs)
Si

Undercover Testing – Is this Big H’s secret weapon?   ;D

Good Luck - and have a safe trip

H,

Getting packed up ready to roll soon with the MG, so all the very best of luck with the trip, and well done in advance for digging deep into the embrocation pot, smearing unguents, and pedalling like billy-o to get your self down to La Sarthe in aid of your good cause. 

May your cranks turn freely, the wind be behind you and may you not tire of the joys of cycling.... if you do, then just remember what you are doing it for, and the ripostes you will get on arrival, and keep pedalling.  And don't feel gui;ty about the Jag - she'll have plenty of opportunity to do that when you get back!  All the very best,

MG Mark 

Take it easy on the way there H and keep clear of the combine harvesters.

See you there.

Ok H,the time is fast approaching.We all have utter confidence in you and just keep thinking of what a hero this will make you.
You'll probably never have to buy a beer again in your life.
I'm really impressed that you are even attempting it.
Good Luck,we'll see you on the dark side

PM and the WANCs

Best of luck Big H. May the force be with you!

Good luck fella- all very proud of yer. My lot have been told that this year instead of buying me beer for playing mother and organising everything, they have to put there hands into their tight Yorkshire pockets and make a donation to the chap in the hat. I'll march them over to MB as soon as we hear the ambulance arrive!  Bon voyage and all that- hope the weather is kind.
Si

How's H progressing?

H,

Great to see you at DfH - a marvellous effort and very well done - now what about the post-event pile and unguent report?

MG Mark

my compliments on a great effort!

Well done to Big H - a fantastic achievement.  I missed the arrival party but apparently he was given a good reception - I'd love to see pics if anyone has any? 

If you haven't donated already get over to the subscription site and do so you tight bastards  ;D

Fantastic ride H, congratulations. I hope the reward is worthy.

What a week!!
I'm still walking a little like The Duke, but the euphoria of arriving at Le Mans, and in particular the welcome waiting for me at Maison Blanche was a marvellous anaesthetic, - a truly fantastic moment and one I'll remember for a long long time.
My heartfelt thanks from the bottom of my bottom goes to everyone who contributed one way or another, - as usual it was great to share a beer with everyone, and as usual the weekend went too quickly to meet everyone that I'd have liked to.
Catching up with a deskfull of 'crisis' now, but I'll be back to share a fuller report.
A huge huge thanks to all, what a crew!!
H

Well done Big Fella, 
Your face was a picture as you came in the gate, to be met by the mob of us waiting.
Again well done.

Mike

Any pics of the great arrival?

Wotcher Piglet,
It'd be great to see some!
I know one of Paddys crew took a running sequence, it would be good if I could get a few to send to Kidney Research UK, I know they were keen to see something, maybe for a mag or website - maybe Paddy could help us out with that one. And Paddy, what can I say? A stirling effort from you and your fellow flatlanders, an enormous thankyou mate!
H

I've got a rather nice one of Harry going over the finishline we had put up for him. I'll see that I can put it online tonight.

All credits for the finish line should really go to Max and the rest of the crew, he told them all to get empty barrels and get the finish line on the road. It was a fantastic finish though, well done! 8)

H's arrival at MB.

Blimey H, I didn't know you looked that good in lycra, I'd have made sure I bunked off working to be there  :o ;D

Finishline:
(http://gallery.drinkingforholland.com/g2data/albums/LM2007/PICT0005.JPG)

nice pic :D

This one from Sebastian isn't bad either: ;)
(http://gallery.drinkingforholland.com/g2data/albums/LM2007/il%20Cavallino/DSC_3981.JPG)

a real tour finish, L' Alpe D'Huez style :D

I see a green bottle in his hand, isn't that doping?? ;D ;D ;D

By the way, BigH, was nice to meet you at the DfH party

H - What can I say other than great legs!!!  It was a real pleasure to work on them.  If perchance you decide to do any more mad fool cycling type thing let me know and I'll happily give you a rub down once it's all over.  ;D

Dx

That's an offer to savour... Where's me bike?



Well done H

Another contribution to yet another vintage year.

Thanks for your efforts.

 :)

bill

And even on the DFH party on Friday he arrived on bike.



.

The donations are still coming in, so a continued 'many thanks' is due. - I think the www.justgiving.com/H-on-a-bike site is open for a few more weeks, so it looks like it's not over yet. Apart from the continental cycling, - that's definitely over...
Doris, yes, I never realised baby oil was so versatile.... not only was I walking a lot better, I was waterproofed like a duck for the next few days. How did you get on making contacts with the race teams? The best of British (and Kiwi) luck to you on that one, - I could write a testament....
Good to meet you too Werner and congratulations on the finished CA Guide, it's always a surprise how quickly the weekend goes and you don't always bump into some of the people you'd like to meet, - but how could I miss you with that hat?
H

Gooten 'arben all,
Well, the justgiving page closed up last week, so that's the end of that.
I set out hoping to raise a grand, and ended up with three, - if only all life was like that! - I've just sent a round-robin (who? well y'know, Robin, I sent him rahnd!!) to all who contributed via the charity site, and so I'll also say many thanks to all those that lobbed me cash during that fateful weekend on that sordid and fetid campsite, - I put it all on the justgiving page under various pseudonyms. Honestly!
Next year, I'm driving, all the way, eating pies and ice cream. I'm looking forward to it already.
Well done dudes!
H

to paraphrase a great guy

Well done dude!

 :)

Thats a shame, I thought you were looking kinda bronzed n buffed this year!!  8)

F

Well done!  ;D

Will you wear the lycra again next year, I managed to miss it this year?  ;D ;)

Lycra? There's no hiding place in that gear, I can tell you. I think it's meant to help you slip through the air, but it's pretty good at clearing a space at the bar as well.
I'm glad I stuck to dark colours. Thinking about it, I did stick to dark colours...
H

Exactly!   ;D

couldn't you auction the shammy gusset just to raise a few more pence?

PM

It's great idea PM, once I manage to get it off I might give it a go.
God knows who thought of putting chamois in there, some demented window cleaner with a bit of time on his hands I reckon.
H