Club Arnage

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/fastshow/characters/images/rowley_birkin2.jpg)

Bbbrrraagghhhh!!! Bombay!!! bbbrrrrrr!! Openning the batting at the Brabourne... Ierrrrggghhh.... Snake ! Snake!... Hurrggghh... knocked the poor tiffinwallah clean on his arse down the pavillion steps... nnaaarrgghhh... made a frightful hack of his leg.... Yaah!... then he discovered it was completely made out of rubber... blip blip blip... most extrordinary thing since great Uncle Henry Birkin won Le mans in 1929  ggggghhh... Howzat!!! ... I'm afraid that I was very very drunk!

To those who are going to Sebring, have a good one and my best wishes to all across the pond (except the preacherman with the double ended dildo). So farwell and goodbye for ten days, look forward to regailing you all with ripping yarns from The Orient, tales of swashbuckling, revellery and diarrhoea. Don't worry, I'm taking extra underpants!

Have fun in India Andy, look out for the Cobra's!
You'll be missed at Sebring, as will Rick.
Fax

Andy, have a great time, is it just the cricket you are going to see, caught some of the play at lunch, gripping. ;D ;D ;D ;D

.You may well be right Mark, this diarrhoea lark is no bed of roses I can tell you. I'm just hoping my enfeebled gastric system doesn't let me down badly during the Ambassador's cocktail party, what with wearing those white flannels. Still I've always got my pithe helmet to fall back on, and provided I block the airholes up first, I'm not anticipating too many problems.

Here's what the WHO has to say about diarrhoea:

http://www.who.int/water_sanitation_health/diseases/diarrhoea/en/

Mind you, I disagree strongly with the statement -
 
"Diarrhoea is a rare occurrence for most people who live in developed countries where sanitation is widely available, access to safe water is high and personal and domestic hygiene is relatively good."

I think we can put that one to bed straight away. Clearly the WHO officials have never been to Le Mans in June

Have a good trip, take plenty of diacalm and a champage cork and you will be fine.

You may want to pack your whites and a bat. If the current injury list contines to grow you may get a game.

Have a great time Andrew, you bald twat. I've always wanted to visit the sub-continent - for the curry, rather than the thwack of leather on willow.
Happy trails!
Matt

BBC SPORT RELIEF CELEBRITIES BATTLE
IT OUT WITH BOLLYWOOD STARS


A glittering host of British celebrities from the worlds of entertainment and sport will be battling it out with some of Bollywood’s most famous stars in a charity cricket match taking place at the Brabourne stadium in Mumbai on Thursday March 16th.

The Big One will be the climax of a six day tour in Tamil Nadu in India by British celebrities who have been finding out how UK Charity Sport Relief’s money is spent by visiting people in local projects which offer children food, healthcare and the chance of completing their education. They also involve children in events which are innovative and fun. The celebrity team will enjoy games of cricket with local children along the way practising for the Big One on March 16th.

Among the players from Britain will be Phil Tufnell, Patrick Kielty, Jack Russell, Nick Knowles, Chris Evans, Dermot O’Leary and Jay Sean whereas Bollywood’s line up will include Suneil Shetty, Aamir Khan, Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan.

The match will raise funds for IIFA – a charity which assists and supports the families of Indian film industry workers who have faced misfortune during the course of shooting films.

Thousands of people are expected to turn up at this international sporting event to cheer on the stars. Among those in the audience will be children from the various projects supported by Sport Relief, some of whom will have met the British celebrities in the previous weeks.

The afternoon will start at 12.00 and end at 5.30 and admission will be free. Tickets are available from any CAFÉ COFFEE daytime outlet in Mumbai.

Isn't 'Willow' a dwarf?
So I suppose thwacking the stubby little bast*rd with a well worn belt or barbers strop isn't such a bad idea, but it's a long way to go to see such a thing. There's a dodgy newsagent down the road with lank hair and a strange pallour who I'm certain could set it up for a fee well short of the air fair to India.
Anyway, may all the CA travellers journey safely and get sloshed on the in flight booze. Andy, I hope you manage to keep your "Bombays" closed and it's only the cricketers that get the runs.
Bon voyage!
(Tw*ts...)
H

I'm sure I saw WHO Inspectors at the Jaguar Tribune bogs in 1995, but they gave up and called in the Geneva Convention Chemical Weapons Unit

Andy - I think you're fibbing.

http://www.koin.com/entertainment/topstory.asp?RECORD_KEY%5Btopstory%5D=ID&ID%5Btopstory%5D=226

I think it's a cunning ruse to try and convince everyone that you are going to India when you're actually going to the States, to live it up in the Club doing the cricket thing and then going on to Sebring.   shame on you for such deception.

MG Mark

Have a spiffing time Andrew. Personally the thought of bumping into Chris Evans would lead me to cancel my travel plans immediately.

Four hours to kill in Mumbai airport gives me enough time to let you all know how things have been going from a bowel movement point of view. Surprisingly, far from the anticipated dysentry I've been locked in an Izal Medicated hell of semi-constipation. Even drinking from the water geyser in the J S Ramaswarmi Memorial Toilet on Charni Road failed to clear me through. I have to say these facilities would easily worst anything Le mans has to offer on the filthy public lavatory front. It's only an opinion, but I reckon the last time they'd seen any Harpic was during a quick spruce-up in readiness for the Indian Independence celebrations in 1948. It was not possible to see any of the porcelain anywhere, so encrusted were they with urea crystals and a foul brown substance I can only describe as "Gwrrraarr-ackkk".

I'll give a report for the cricket fans later (fantastic ;D), but just to say India's an amazing country with wonderful people but they don't sell Fibogel.

Are you doing research for the ACO's new village facilities?

Not sure your experience could be worse than Bangalore bus station when trying to have a good clear out before a 17 hour toilet-less bus ride!... but might go for joint first place.  Nothing i have ever seen at LM comes close.  :-\

I can remember as if it was yesterday trying to negotiate a tiny sh*t encrusted cubicle wearing a blimming heavy backpack and trying to pull down trousers at the arse and pull em up at the ankle simultaneously so they didnt hit the floor...... ahh the joys of exotic travel.

Incidentally Mr Z I have spent two 3 month trips bumming thru India and rarely had so much as a tummy gurgle... just thought those words of encouragement might help.  ;D

For those of you who are becoming weary of all the post-Sebring nonsense (principally because we were'nt there to join in!!), then I offer you a little of the surreal madness of Bombay. This photo was taken at 3am in the Taj Mahal hotel, which is effectively an Indian version of the Ritz. I won't bore you with the why and wherefores, but I have to say that Taj staff were by this time struggling to keep control of their hotel. I understand it's very difficult to swim wearing that thing...  :D