Club Arnage

For the fellow mtb (& cycloX) riders out there

http://members.cox.net/mtbbill/images/milescrash-500k.mpg

The fall


http://www.mountainbikebill.com/MilesCrash.htm

The account

Ouch !!!

Mind you , lucky bastard for being alive !!

'Kin nora!!

Mind you at least the bike was intact!  ;)

And he climbed out and rode home too!!!

Some people will go to extremes for that £250 on You've Been Framed!!

I bet he drinks Carling Black Label, or, I bet he eats 2 Shredded Wheat, with no milk!!

Rick,
Inspired partly by the heroics described on this forum last year, and partly by a month of abuse, I have decided to take up bicycling, and already have quite a few miles under my belt. That's a metaphorical belt, obviously, this lycra stuff holds its own.
Trouble is, my scrotum's in a terrible state, the wrinkled old retainer's starting to look like a bag of out of date christmas satsumas.
Perhaps you could have a look at it for me?
H

Always happy to oblige H! I consider it an honour that I have been chosen from all those gathered here to get first dibs.  :-X

Now firstly, prior to inspection, indulge me for a few questions if you will old bean....

1) What is the current state of your perineum? (Otherwise known as a "Tinta" on a bird .. as in "t'int a c**t and it t'int an a*se"). Is it bleeding after long hard rides?

2) Have you tried "redressing" to the other side? As you well know I'm sure, our dear old nads are asymmetrical and the minuscule (I use that word carefully when talking about a man's "private kingdom" as I know it easily offends!) difference could indeed make all the difference.

3) Are you actually using a saddle on your bike? Or are you like Lord and Lady Whiteadder in this department? If so, I hereby rename you Nathaniel, for sitting on a spike.

I await your esteemed reposte with great moistness.

Yours, with warmed hands,

Dr. Rick

Word of warning H, ask yourself, is Dr Rick a real Dr?  Also the same could be asked of Dr Zarse! To be fair, my arse is on fire (see Jag thred).

Planman

Thanks for the advice Rick. I've tried to take a peek at my perineum, but I have to say, it hasn't been placed in a very convenient place. I suspect it's in tatters and looks a little like Paul Scholes.
I'm off on a bleeding long hard ride tonight, if my luck's in, and have discovered that if I bend over in front of the plate glass window in Woolworths I can get a pretty good view, so I'll let you know how I get on. Maybe I can get a passer by to take a photo.
My nads are just no good for anything anymore, and I'm reminded of Newtons cradle, or perhaps the Clackers craze that swept through school when I was a (fertile) lad. I'm thinking of putting them on e-bay.
Do you think vegetable oil would help?
H

Vegetable oil always helps .. in any situation.

I've found that I can actually put the numbing sensation to good use and no longer have to rely on recounting Le Mans winners in my head at "the" moment to prolong things.

Apparently (according to the blurb on the packaging for the new saddle I've bought for this season) blood flow to the region of nethers is reduced to 18% of normal on some saddles!! Might explain a lot. This new saddle has a crafty crevice which only restricts blood flow to 82% - oh well, now where were we, oh yes, the 1923 winners were...........

One of two things happened to me...

Either I had a 40 mile cycle ride from Licester to Northampton for charity and spent a few quid on a padded cycle seat for added comfort... and had a few jars post race...

Or I was out on the town when an African Elephant slipped something into my drink...

Either way, all I remember is waking in the morning unable to walk due to some extreme pain round the back...

That's the last time I drink down the 'Never Forget' on the Unsworth Road...

I wonder if they make a bicycle seat version of this beauty?

This may be usefull for afterwards

http://www.ketteringsurgical.com/asp/product_details.asp?product=1362&l1=4 (http://www.ketteringsurgical.com/asp/product_details.asp?product=1362&l1=4)

(http://www.ketteringsurgical.com/asp/pics/784/74867.jpeg)

Sure something could be fangled together here! Not quite as aerodynamic as one would like though.

I've got a nice Selle Italia sadle on the Gitane and its perfectly comfortable for three or four hours out on the road but anything over a half hour on the training rollers and the little spud goes positively numb.  Gives me a damn good excuse for not spending much time on that instrument of torture (the rollers) anyway.
Fax

Ah, another chance for me to bring my vast experience in the erectile dysfunction treatment market to the forefront.

Basically, you're all pedaling down the floppy highway, sailing through flacid county and free-wheeling right into the town square of wobbly-ville!

Thanx for your, as always, time-honoured slant on things Dave. Straight from "Directandtothepointville"!!!  ;D

Hopefully this new "body geometry" thingie will go some way to returning erectile functionality. Viagra not required here in Middle England just yet  ;)

.......... I can sense moderation winging its way at a merry pace toward this thread as I type  :P Please feel free to do your thang Mr. Smokester!

We can always continue this conversation on MB next year anyhoo. Thinking of bringing one of the sexy bikes with me as our new Lemons partaker is one of my cycling buddies and he will want to do the same and at 73 is still darn fast  :o So we can compare saddles, perineums (tintas), methods with vegetable oil etc......

To be honest Rick, I'd be very interested in your new saddle experience.  On road I'm OK, but on the trainer in the snowy winter months here in Indy, losing Jr. for a few minutes numbness can still be quite discomforting to say the least.

What kind of hardware are you thinking of pedaling to Le Mans?  It's always seemed like a great idea, but hampers ones ability to drag the coolbox and maintain steady state blood alcohol levels.

Ah, slight miscommunication methinks Dave. Have thought about "all the way" in the past, but did mean carrying the bikes over on the LuvPug and maybe doing a few circuits of the track on the Friday (gendarmerie permitting).

As for the new saddle, might give it a go on the Sunday club ride this week just to see how I get on. Will report back. I've got two, one for the TT machine and one for the road-racer but will try one of them on the trainer first then.

If you get all moist (like I do) at the sight of sexy pedal-powered bikes, I'll mail you a fotie of the finished articles! They are a pair of Specialized Festina frames from 2001. One of them is an exact replica of the 2001 Tour De France frame (lightest in the Tour that year) - that'll be the TT bike, and then there is a similar looking frame for the road-racer which is not quite from the same exotic material but looks very close. Even got a replica team saddle to match for the TT bike. The super-sexy TT frame is brand new and never been used!! Coupled with some rather nice carbon Spinergy Rev-Xs, rather hoping to lower the 10 mile PB this year!  ;) Currently only a paltry 26:12

Anyone else still awake at this point? Just noticed I've gone off on a self-indulgent tangent again!!

 ;D

How wonderful!! I'm going to order one of these for the corner of my tent this coming June. Save having to pull the tent pegs at midnight on the corner of the nearest German tent anyway  ;D :o

Both Fax and I are sad bastards when it comes to loving all thing cycling.  Fax just got a new ride the other year and I can't for the life of me remember what it is.  I've got several machines too.  My pride is a new Litespeed Ultimate but I've got a Cannondale R2000 as a 2nd bike, Cannondale and Specialized spare frames from days gone by and a Trek MTB.  Need to get rid of some of the old crap one of these days.

sh*t, I've become a boring bastard too!

Let's get back to H's undercarriage.

My ride's not so new now, about five years old.  Its one of the FDJ Gitane frames, nothing particularly trick about it.  I always wanted a frame from one of the venerable old French constructors and got a good deal on it, kitted it out with a mixed bag of Campy Record and Chorus bits.  Its been a terrific bike.  I've got an older generation carbon Trek as a back-up.
Fax

It's the thought of Rick being moist in those overalls :o :o