Title: Jokes
Post by: Stu on May 17, 2003, 01:39:15 am
Had to post these.
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Stu
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Stu
Title: Re:Jokes
Post by: Mr. Rick on May 17, 2003, 01:56:25 am
Thanks Stu, still crying!!!!!
Title: Re:Jokes
Post by: Stu on May 17, 2003, 01:57:50 am
Liked this one as well
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed suited man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the “Suit”.
Chris - I reckon he's an accountant.
James - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris - He ain't a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris - 'scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris - Oh! What's that then?
Suit- I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris- Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris - It's in a pond!
Suit - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris - Me? Never.
Suit - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris- How's that then?
Suit - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James - What's that then?
Chris - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James - Nope.
Chris - Well then, you're a wa n k e r
Stu
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed suited man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the “Suit”.
Chris - I reckon he's an accountant.
James - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris - He ain't a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris - 'scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris - Oh! What's that then?
Suit- I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris- Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris - It's in a pond!
Suit - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris - Me? Never.
Suit - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris- How's that then?
Suit - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James - What's that then?
Chris - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James - Nope.
Chris - Well then, you're a wa n k e r
Stu
Title: Re:Jokes
Post by: Mr. Rick on May 17, 2003, 09:32:10 am
Cheers Stu! That one's going in the LM file too. If you're anywhere near us on MB at about 2am Thursday night/Friday morning, you'll hear all your jokes again. We have a sad fecker who prints, organises and files a year's worth to amuse us in France (no, before you ask, I'm not the sad fecker, well not this time anyway, I just forward them on!!).
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: PAFC OK on May 23, 2017, 02:42:20 pm
I went to Cardiff yesterday and as I left the car park I spotted three somewhat large framed young ladies walking by. In the spirit of entente cordiale I hailed them with "Hello girls, which part of Scotland is this?" "Wales" the largest and nearest of the three shouted back at me, "Wales!" "Oh" I replied, "Well hello whales, which part of Scotland is this?" That's the last thing I remember ....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: nopanic - neil on June 28, 2017, 11:03:14 pm
The REAL Holy Grail
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: JimMichaels on September 18, 2017, 07:02:24 am
Had to post these.
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Stu
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11."Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Stu
Lol! These definitely cracked me up. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rhino on September 18, 2017, 07:54:43 pm
I just got sacked from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Landy_Jon on September 18, 2017, 09:08:24 pm
^^^ stolen ^^^
(thanks)
(thanks)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: JimMichaels on September 19, 2017, 10:27:06 am
I just got sacked from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off.
Lol! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: lofty on September 24, 2019, 06:28:01 pm
gun joke
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jimclark on September 24, 2019, 10:28:14 pm
I really don't know if I should or I shouldn't. I in no way mean any offense to anyone....'not my way. It is
a funny one tho' so I shall. If warranted , feel free to delete it, of course.
A truck (lorry) driver has a load of restaurant equipment to deliver from Chicago (northern U.S.) to Key West, Florida (southeast U.S.), about 1500 miles.
He gets it down there in two days, has no loads on the way back to Chicago, nor set up when he gets back, so decides to take his time returning.
On the way up from the Keys, he decides to stop at the tourist attraction "The Monkey Jungle". He enjoys himself taking the tour and finds the monkeys rather cute.
"Hmmmm....." he thinks to himself, "I'd like to have one of these as a pet."
Before leaving, he approaches the tour guide and asks "Is it possible to purchase one of these little guys?"
The tour guide says "Yes, absolutely."
"How much might they cost?" asks the driver.
"50 dollars." replies the tour guide.
"Oooohhh, not bad. I'll take one."
The tour guide, smiling, winks at the driver and takes a furtive look around. Recognizing that the coast is clear he lowers his voice and says
"I have a special one you might be interested in." Another glance around and he continues "He does a very special trick and is only $50 more."
"Well....what's the trick? And, is it guaranteed to perform?"
"Oh, 'guaranteed for sure, I trained him myself."
"Fine, but the trick sir....."
Whispering, "You just have to smack him on the back of his head and he'll perform the best fellatio you've ever experienced."
"You sure....???"
"Absolutely."
"Okay, I'll take him but, if not true, I'll be back looking for you."
"No problem, he's yours"
To make an unneccesarily long story shorter, the truck driver gives the monkey a few hundred miles to become acclimated to the cab and driver
then pulls into a rest area and smacks the monkey. Surer than you know what, as guaranteed, the monkey pleases the driver better then he's ever been pleased in his previous 58 years.
"I'll be damned! Thank you buddy." They both rest for a few hours and then back on the road. A few hours later, they repeat the process.
Up the road, the driver sees a gent with his thumb out, decides to pick up him up, and introduces him to the monkey, explaining it's wonderful gift.
"No way," says the hitcher "that's too amazing. I don't believe you."
The driver, proud of his new companion (the monkey) says "Watch, I'll show you."
Without even stopping the truck, he smacks the monkey who obediently does him again, and says "See? Isn't that great!!!"
"Yes it is..." says the hitcher, "...I sure would like to try that myself."
The driver, pondering, "I don't know. It's my monkey and we don't know you that well, or if I should even share him at all."
"I understand. 'Don't worry about the monkey, I think he likes me and won't mind." replies the rider, really wanting a piece of this action.
The driver ponders some more, not sure what to do. "I just don't know....."
The hitchhiker continues even more convincingly than before...........
".........I promith to be fery gentle............'jutht don't thmack me tho hard." (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/runaway2.gif)
a funny one tho' so I shall. If warranted , feel free to delete it, of course.
A truck (lorry) driver has a load of restaurant equipment to deliver from Chicago (northern U.S.) to Key West, Florida (southeast U.S.), about 1500 miles.
He gets it down there in two days, has no loads on the way back to Chicago, nor set up when he gets back, so decides to take his time returning.
On the way up from the Keys, he decides to stop at the tourist attraction "The Monkey Jungle". He enjoys himself taking the tour and finds the monkeys rather cute.
"Hmmmm....." he thinks to himself, "I'd like to have one of these as a pet."
Before leaving, he approaches the tour guide and asks "Is it possible to purchase one of these little guys?"
The tour guide says "Yes, absolutely."
"How much might they cost?" asks the driver.
"50 dollars." replies the tour guide.
"Oooohhh, not bad. I'll take one."
The tour guide, smiling, winks at the driver and takes a furtive look around. Recognizing that the coast is clear he lowers his voice and says
"I have a special one you might be interested in." Another glance around and he continues "He does a very special trick and is only $50 more."
"Well....what's the trick? And, is it guaranteed to perform?"
"Oh, 'guaranteed for sure, I trained him myself."
"Fine, but the trick sir....."
Whispering, "You just have to smack him on the back of his head and he'll perform the best fellatio you've ever experienced."
"You sure....???"
"Absolutely."
"Okay, I'll take him but, if not true, I'll be back looking for you."
"No problem, he's yours"
To make an unneccesarily long story shorter, the truck driver gives the monkey a few hundred miles to become acclimated to the cab and driver
then pulls into a rest area and smacks the monkey. Surer than you know what, as guaranteed, the monkey pleases the driver better then he's ever been pleased in his previous 58 years.
"I'll be damned! Thank you buddy." They both rest for a few hours and then back on the road. A few hours later, they repeat the process.
Up the road, the driver sees a gent with his thumb out, decides to pick up him up, and introduces him to the monkey, explaining it's wonderful gift.
"No way," says the hitcher "that's too amazing. I don't believe you."
The driver, proud of his new companion (the monkey) says "Watch, I'll show you."
Without even stopping the truck, he smacks the monkey who obediently does him again, and says "See? Isn't that great!!!"
"Yes it is..." says the hitcher, "...I sure would like to try that myself."
The driver, pondering, "I don't know. It's my monkey and we don't know you that well, or if I should even share him at all."
"I understand. 'Don't worry about the monkey, I think he likes me and won't mind." replies the rider, really wanting a piece of this action.
The driver ponders some more, not sure what to do. "I just don't know....."
The hitchhiker continues even more convincingly than before...........
".........I promith to be fery gentle............'jutht don't thmack me tho hard." (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/runaway2.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jimclark on October 16, 2019, 02:26:28 pm
'Only one more, I promise..........
You know in racing there's that old rule of thumb...."If it looks right, it usually is." (Like the Ford MkIV, for example :))
Well, I have to admit, I'm no personal trainer; I don't claim to be an expert. (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/angel.gif)
But this............
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
juuust......doesn't.....looook......right! (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif)..........
(https://living.alot.com/assets/common/entertainment/u17330_slide_27505.jpg)
You know in racing there's that old rule of thumb...."If it looks right, it usually is." (Like the Ford MkIV, for example :))
Well, I have to admit, I'm no personal trainer; I don't claim to be an expert. (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/angel.gif)
But this............
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
VVV
juuust......doesn't.....looook......right! (https://tentenths.com/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif)..........
(https://living.alot.com/assets/common/entertainment/u17330_slide_27505.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Barry on October 17, 2019, 01:26:16 am
A Scottish man walks into a pub.
Normally there would be an Irish man, an English man and a Welsh man there too but they are still in Japan!
;D ;D ;D
Normally there would be an Irish man, an English man and a Welsh man there too but they are still in Japan!
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Barry on October 17, 2019, 01:50:30 am
Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on October 18, 2019, 11:58:40 am
Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
;DTwo weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your f**k*ng fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:10:59 pm
Pharaoh: “I'd like a Venti Frappuccino, please”
Starbucks Barista: “Absolutely. Can I get your name, please?”
Pharoah: "Nefernaferuaten II”
Starbucks Barista: “Ok... can you spell that out for me?”
Pharaoh: “Yes of course, it's bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, another bird, flames..."
Starbucks Barista: “Absolutely. Can I get your name, please?”
Pharoah: "Nefernaferuaten II”
Starbucks Barista: “Ok... can you spell that out for me?”
Pharaoh: “Yes of course, it's bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, another bird, flames..."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:11:18 pm
A cowboy walks into a frontier saloon and sits at the bar. After a few drinks in silence, the old timer sitting next to him turns and says, "You come through the mountains, along the wooded path? Well I cut that path myself! Through rain and sleet and snow, but the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Trailblazer now, do they?"
They drink a bit more in silence, then the old timer says, "You see that wolf skin on that there wall? Well I tracked, killed and skinned that murderin’ son of a bitch myself! Shot him twice and still had to finish him with my knife when he pounced, nearly took off my left arm, but the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Wolfslayer now, do they?!"
Another drink in silence. Old timer then says, "You see this axe I’m carrying? Well I was given this by the Chief of the Pawnee Nation for brokering peace between our peoples. But the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Peacemaker now, do they?!"
The old timer turns to his drink, slams it on the bar and exclaims, "But you f*ck ONE sheep...!"
They drink a bit more in silence, then the old timer says, "You see that wolf skin on that there wall? Well I tracked, killed and skinned that murderin’ son of a bitch myself! Shot him twice and still had to finish him with my knife when he pounced, nearly took off my left arm, but the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Wolfslayer now, do they?!"
Another drink in silence. Old timer then says, "You see this axe I’m carrying? Well I was given this by the Chief of the Pawnee Nation for brokering peace between our peoples. But the ungrateful bastards 'round here don’t call me Billy The Peacemaker now, do they?!"
The old timer turns to his drink, slams it on the bar and exclaims, "But you f*ck ONE sheep...!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:11:34 pm
A friend of mine who works on the dodgems has just lost their job.
They're suing for funfair dismissal.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
They're suing for funfair dismissal.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:11:53 pm
Just went to Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat. There was non-stop George Michael music and loads of George Michael memorabilia, so much that it actually made me feel uncomfortable.
I'm never going to Dan's again.
I'm never going to Dan's again.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:12:16 pm
When I first met my wife we developed a very simple code in the bedroom.
If she would like sex that night, pull my willy once.
If she wouldn’t like sex that night, pull it 100 times.
If she would like sex that night, pull my willy once.
If she wouldn’t like sex that night, pull it 100 times.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on January 28, 2021, 02:12:30 pm
All UK car dealerships have now re-opened apart from BMW.
A spokesman was asked when they would re-open, but they gave no indication.
A spokesman was asked when they would re-open, but they gave no indication.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Lorry on January 29, 2021, 10:37:12 pm
>>>
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Kev_mk3 on February 05, 2021, 10:24:00 am
How many Slags can you fit in a freezer?
(https://thumbsnap.com/i/ZPUnhmF5.jpg)
(https://thumbsnap.com/i/ZPUnhmF5.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: trusty on February 22, 2021, 04:50:20 pm
A man walks into the pub and asks for a pint and a packet of helicopter crisps, the barman replies that they don’t do helicopter crisps. The man replies don’t worry I’ill have a packet of plane ones
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jimclark on February 22, 2021, 09:36:44 pm
Har dee har-har.....
Git the hook out......
Git the hook out......
