Club Arnage

In response to the thread entitled "If you think we have fun..."

I think that people should add the own Le Mans related funny stories:-

So here is the first:-

Title: "Is that the boat leaving?"

The story starts on the day a group of Le Mans regulars prepared to leave for the trip to Le Mans.
The organiser of the group informs everybody to arrive at the Port for 8am in the morning to check in for the ferry.
So everybody arrived at the Port and met outside the port at 8am. Somebody at that point said "Is that the boat leaving?".
The problem was that 8am was not the check in time but the sailing time of the ferry.
The next ferry was not until 11pm, so what do you do in Portsmouth for a day?
One of the vehicles in the group had exhaust trouble, so everybody went to the local Tyre/Exhaust place to get the exhaust fixed.  While everybody was at the exhaust place minds turn to beer (As is only natural).
But where do you find beer at 8am in the morning? (This was a few year back when drinking establishments did not open until later).
The manager of the Tyre/Exhaust place suggested a local snooker club and with his borrowed membership card the group managed to pass themselves off as a visiting snooker team to gain access to the club bar which was open  ;D . They drank and played snooker all day until it was time to collect the vehicle from the Exhaust place.
It was decided to buy the manager of the Tyre/Exhaust place a thank you gift for helping them obtain beer so early in the morning. The group visited the local Supermarket to buy the manager some beer, unfortunately they were thrown out for being to rowdy. They then paid a passer-by to buy the beer for them.
They then returned to collect the vehicle, return the managers membership card and give the gift of beer.
To end the story, a few more beers were had in the now open pubs before catching the ferry to France.

Perhaps this should be called "When is that ferry leaving"
On the Friday before the Classic last year TTTD met up in Portsmouth at the pre arranged hotel ready for a 6:30 sailing.
There was a lot of police activity as we drove through Portsmouth that night but none of us thought much of it.
After several drinks and a short night's sleep I, as the organiser rounded everyone up and got them to the port for 5:45 ready for the 6:30 sailing.....
When 6:25 came round and no-one was boarding it was suggested that I took a look at the tickets to check the sailing time..... which was 7:30!!

To make things worse the police activity was because they had found a WW2 unexploded bomb in the town and the ferry did not sail until 9:30 while they took it out to sea to detonate it.

Can I join the queue of people who have got ferry times wrong?

Last year travelling back from Dieppe, arrive at Dieppe in plenty of time, go and have a nice lunch before driving to the port.  Arrive at the port to find no ferry.  Investigate further to discover that the ferry company had changed the times, and not notified half the passengers, hence quite a few irate passengers.  Had we not stopped for lunch we would have been in time for the re-timetabled ferry.

Advised that thenext Seacat is full, so choices are the ferry at 10pm or the Seacat at Midnight.  Decide on Seacat as it will overtake the ferry, so phone office to say I might be late for work the next way as won't be home until 2am.

Then go back into Dieppe for another slap-up meal!

To show the reliability of the Dieppe - Newhaven service when I came back from the French Grand Prix a month later the Seacat was cancelled and a mad dash to Calais ensued.

Some of you will have already read this on the old MB..

En route Dover-Calais last year, evening crossing with car/caravan + 4. Crashpad hotel booked for Rouen. On the boat we arranged the kitty - over £200 cash, then, seeing as I couldn't drink,  I wasted the crossing playing the Cops n Robbers fruit machine (unsuccessfully). As we were docking, realised I needed to get some duty free.

So, arrived at the car late and in a rush, with armfuls of stuff - ferry doors already open. Charged off and headed for Rouen. On arrival at the hotel I realised I'd lost my credit cards and personal cash - luckily the kitty was in another pocket. Worked out later that I'd put the wallet on the roof of the car while unlocking and juggling duty frees, and it must have slipped off as we left the ferry or soon after.

Spoke to all the card companies during the drive from Rouen to LM and cancelled them all. My mates helped me out with cash subs...When I got home, new cards (new numbers and everything) were waiting for me. Impressive I thought.

I reported the loss at Calais docks on the way back to a very disinterested gendarme. Someone suggested I claim loss of cash (c £200) on house insurance. it would have been covered if I'd reported it within a shorter period (3 days I think) - lesson learnt!

January this year I started getting unrecognised costs on my new cards. All BT payphones, amounts no more than about £3 and totalling no more than about £15 on any bill (4 cards). Credit card companies informed, they reversed payments. This happened again in Feb, so I asked them how it was happening. They said my old cards were being used in the Dover area, and the amounts were too small to be caught by the computer when they transferred them to the new account. They seem to have stopped again, since I suggested where they can shove their cards if I am going to get spurious payments and have to make calls to them every month...

Guys,

Smokie used the same scam when he came to PQ with us last year.Once again we all chipped in to save his embarassment.
Maybe we should start up a Smokie Scam section.

PM

Phil the Moose will no doubt confirm that at Sebring I was flush with dosh...just depends on the company I'm keeping I suppose... ;)

Next Story:-

Title: "Where is everybody?"

The story starts on the ferry to France.
The non-drivers had a mammoth drinking session of the ferry to France. Come the time do re-join with the vehicles and disembark the ferry, one of the passengers was missing! It was thought that he had got a lift with one of the many other vehicles in our group in another section for the ferry.
Most of the group met up as soon as they left the ferry, but still no sign of the missing passenger.
The were multiple attempts to call the missing passenger on his mobile phone with no success.
Attempts were made to contact the vehicles that left the port without stopping and had mobiles, but this still left a few vehicles that the missing passenger could possibly be in.
The driver of the vehicle that the passenger was supposed to be in went back up the passenger ramp and asked if they has seen the missing passenger.  They had not seen the missing passenger and put a call out on the public address system for the passenger with no result.
It was decided to go to the first meeting point on the journey where all vehicles would stop.
This was the McDonalds in Argentan for breakfast some 45 miles away.
On arrival to McDonalds contact was made with all the vehicles but still no missing passenger.
While having breakfast contact was made with the missing passenger.
After being woken up by the cleaners from under a table, he had rushed off the ferry only to find all the vehicles gone some time ago. He then phone the driver of the vehicle we was supposed to be in asking "where is everybody?".
The response was in "McDonalds 45 miles on the way to Le Mans having breakfast".
After finishing breakfast and much debate the driver returned to the port to pick up the missing passenger.


PS
I have many more stories like this.

Should have told him to hire a bike and start pedalling!

1995 we stayed the sunday night in Cherbourg. We were threatened with the police by the over-sensitive patron of a hotel. This was because we were farting too loudly and waking up the other guests up. He didn't see the funny side. Next morning I ended up having breakfast in the hotel dining room wearing only my underpants and a teeshirt as I had lost my trousers somewhere the night before during a hideous piss up in the bars of the old town. Then we missed the ferry because only my brother heard the wake up call and invited the caller to sod off.

Ended up on the 16.00 to Pompey. Derek and Justin Bell were on board, having just come third? in the Harrods McLaren. Very nice they were too.

LOL, new keyboard please... just spilled my coffee all over.  ;D

Years ago, whilst returning from France on the Hovercraft I was ill. The type were my gilfriend kept repeatedly asking me what was wrong and I was telling her to shut up as I concentrated hard not to spew. I suddenly got a bomb on a short fuse and sitting next to the toilet door darted in, sat down and my whole world fell out. What relief. Cleaned up, fastern pants and then primed the flush and hit the button. Nothing. A few more attempts and stll nothing. Came out the toilet and told the stewardess that the flush didn't work. No problem says she as I sat down in my seat next to the door. 5 mins later a young deckhand came along, poss stick over shoulder whistling away. Opens bog door and enters then shouts 'phwoar  F u c k i n g Hell, whos been in here and came spinning out the door wretchin.  Cue everyone within 5 yards turn round and look at me as I slid down my seat, getting  redder and redder  and wished the earth could swallow me up. Could'nt wait to get of.

Stu

 ;D

So there we were, at the check in at Portsmouth ferry terminal. Se7en had been given a major engine overhaul, (wont get techie) but it cost over 3k prior to the trip. In order to conserve the lump we had trailered it to somewhere near Winchester.
Journey to the ferry was fine and calm, running in you see. Pulled up at the check in and then the brown stuff hit the fan. It would not re start, again and again we tried. Panic, panic, panic. Best of luck the lovely P & O lady said. These are your passes which you will need if you get it going. Thanks said us.
Car was pushed, easily into line but we were directed by the bloke with the flashy green jacket and radio to" put it over there with all the other scrappers mate >:("
 We joined a line of about 6 cars, a Moggie, Dart, MGB Gt plus some other exotica.
Off comes the bonnet and float chambers cos it sort of starts but will not continue.
Its sparking and there is fuel, loads of it, pumping into my recently enlarged ports but it will not tick over.
Mr unknown walks over and says "I'm a member of the AA, if I say that I'm in your car then we can get that bloke in a brown uniform to have a look. Time is marching on so unless we want to get back to Winchester and get the tow car lets give it a try.
Friendly AA man comes over after having started the Moggie and has a look. Ahh yes he says "a proper engine, 1700 cross flow on webers, I know all about these. Plenty of fuel, good spark but now the battery is flat. Rigs up the jump leads and same problem exists.
What the F!!!k is this" he says. Rev limiter says I. Out come the cutters and rev limiter is no longer connected. "Now try it" he says
"Bloody hell that sounds good, plenty of grunt in that" says the bloke in the brown uniform, "bet it goes like stink" as it fires into life.

We made the boat but it was firing on 3 when we came off in France, easily fixed and no further problems. 8) 8) 8)

Se7en

You mentioned the bloke with the flashy green jacket and radio.  I wonder if it's the bloke that years ago we christened Fred Scuttle. He's been working down there for years and he is a dead ringer for the Benny Hill character. He even has his hat and glasses on at the same angle as Fred. I'm surprised he hasn't retired yet, but he was still there when we went to the Classic in sept.

If you see him, walk around very fast in a long line all following each other doing the Benny Hill theme tune. He gets completely baffled by it!

Andy Z, Fred Scuttle, is still there saw him last month, Wife & family in tucks with his antics. He believes that he is the BOSS of the ferry port. But could not get enough people to do the Benny Hill line dance. Maybe we will wind him up on 8/6/03.
Brian.
Dont forget our wager.

You should have got the missus to strip down to the webbing. I'm sure enough people would have joined in.

Fluck me u have not seen what I have ??? ???

I expect you look like little Jacky Wright, the wee bald fella who gets his nut slapped the whole time.

And I haven't forgotten the bet. Get your money ready, I've paid Felix £30 not to wear the monkey suit.

A little smaller than Jacky wright, that Felix, can not be trusted.

Got the gorilla suit organised... who pays who and where

Handy if Andy camps next to us for picking up the bet money we just need Felix nearby for the food oh I nearly forgot Paula should also be nearby can't think why!

Somebody's obsessed.  Don't forget ladies usually want some performance, rather than brewers droop! :o

No good them staying on MB, if it's performance that they are looking for. :'(